It's been almost 3 years of rehabs and look how far I've come. Now I'm putting cocaine and heroin in my arms. It's crazy how things happen so fast you don't even realize its happening, but just like the tide comes in and out at such a slow pace, you don't even notice the shore getting smaller. What in God's name have I done? For almost a year and a half I stayed clean.... Maybe I should rephrase that for nearly a year and a half God kept me clean...., no way in hell I could have done that myself, not the me that's writing at this moment. Its almost as if when I'm using I'm possessed by the Devil.
I'm sure that God helps them who help themselves, but sometimes God must feel awful generous and helps those incapable of helping themselves. That must be what he did and is doing with me. I wish my ego was smaller then Maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. How bad do I feel right now? Not bad at all, but in about a half an hour I know I'll feel like crap and go through hell! I truly believe that this life is hell and drugs are the Devil.... but the crazy thing is they masquarade as an angel of light.... It all feels so good. I feel pretty popular and in control. That's how the Devil gets you, he makes you feel good, he promises you all the wonderfulness and beautifulness you've always wanted. He tempts you with an apple so red and juicy you can't help but take a bite. Well..... I took the bait. It was all the glorious things I had been promesed but after a little while I would get sick and have to have more and more. Before I knew what was happening I had sold my soul to the Devil..... But you better believe me I'm gonna buy it back. Maybe God can steal it back for me, I'll just see if I can work out a deal with him. Tomorrow is a new day, just like the next page in this book tomorrow is totally unmarked. Tomorrow I will start again, but first I have to get through tonight.
-Erin Allen 8/95