everybody experiences loss. some greater than others. it's what you do with that loss. you've turn your loss into something greater than what the dragon can give you. think..... you've touched so many people by your story..... but why does it always take loss for people to listen AND respond???????????
roseville, mi USA - dear mrs. allen,
i want you to know that my heart goes out to you. truely. erin must have been the greatest before this evil drug got a hold of her. i know, because i myself am recovering from the same thing. i have 5 months clean now. i read all these entries and see that it's everywhere, and it affects everyone. well i just wanted you to know that i have you in my prayers...god bless you, and know that erin is in a better place now, the world we live in is hell, she's in heaven looking down on you making sure you're safe!
RS, md USA - I CAME ACROSS THIS ACCIDENTLY. I WAS LOOKING FOR A METHADONE RE-HAB CENTER. I AM TAKING 200MGS. A DAY FOR PAIN AND I WANT OFF. I AM SO SINCERELY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH. THANK GOD SHE IS UP THERE IN HEAVEN NOW WITH OUR LORD AND SHE IS HAPPY AND FREE. BUT STILL I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR HOW SHE HAD TO GET THERE. GOD BLESS YOU ALL, TERRY MARIE
MESA, AZ. USA - I pray everyday for recovering addicts and active users. There is hope, and I personally will never give up!
USA - me and my family would like to offer you our deepest sympathes and to let you know your story puts a little more fight and determination in my own sad battal against the evil drug i hope a lot of other people will try a lot harder as well in thier own battle against it
paul mcfarlane <firstname.lastname@example.org>
prestonpans, eastlothian scotland - Hello again marie this is marcy.I came back in to read some stories and got very upset over one of the comments people made.Iam so sorry that you had to read that.Some people are really sick. God Bless You Marie
meriden, ct USA - D--my husband was a practicing attorney, with his own practice. He died in april: according the the medical examiner, he "quietly slipped away"...Heroin supresses respiration; and in this instance, it was supressed to the point where he fell into a coma, and then simply stopped breathing.
He didn't want to die.
And our 6 year old son misses him terribly.
USA - I am so sorry for your loss.
I am a heroin addict of several years now. It is an unpleasant life. I am also an attorney, which makes things extremely complex (and why I can't use my name here, sorry).
One point though, the deaths of so many people could be avoided by ending the war on drugs. The same number of addict would exisit, but their lifestyle would be so much better, doses predictable,accidents rare. No associated crime.
THere'd be no more addicts than there are now, people don't avoid heroin because it is illegal.
D. 29 year old lawyer, NJ <rather not, sorry>
NJ, NJ USA - Mrs. Allen, during the holidays I would like to say GOD BLESS YOU!!!! I met you before and I informed you that I knew Erin. I am a recovering Heroin addict, at the present time I have 21 months clean-Glory Be to God!!!! Your program has been the light for alot of families, I start college in January for my Bachelor's Degree in Drug & Alcohol counseling. I have alot to offer not to mention give back to people in need... Sorry to cut this short but I have to go back to class now, my instructor is on my back!!
Wilmington, DE USA - Last Sept. my boyfriend Shane died from a drug abuse,we were living with a woman who had given birth to 4 babies the last one was his (ours?)and he was taken at 2 months and placed into foster care. the foster parents were glorified junkies! we started to vist, and before we knew it, we were hooked! after 2 months she was pregnate angain! His son was hooked on junk before he learned to read! 2 months ago he went into rehab with his cousin kenny. he locked himself in the bathroom and hung himself, Shane also died a horrable death when he tore his face apart. a tingling, a horror, a jab of the needle? my secound cousin is still in the foster care. his mom seems to be an addict also. we would like legal custody, but we were told we were inappropriate parents! us? I would have to take classes to learn how to raise a baby of drug abuse. maybe I can get the child hooked too! they are the greatest victems.
bennet sprang <email@example.com>
harvest, MI USA - i am the devil and heroin is the flower of sin
batavia, ny USA - my name is greg and im a recovering heroin addict its been about 3 months since ive done anything, and its truley a blessing to be alive. i really think that the few select people that stood behind me and wanted me to stop were truley my guardian angles, all i have to say is everyone is worth more than this disease. god bless and my prayers go out to all the addicts who are still out there useing.
greg janny <firstname.lastname@example.org>
bath, pa USA - Marie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sweet cousin, Will, to a herione overdose last spring and I see what his parents are going through. May God Bless. Vicki
Vicki Warncke <Victoria.Warncke@med.va.gov>
Cincinnati, OH USA - Hello Marie I just finished reading Erin's story and Thank you for sharing it. I to am a herion addict a recovering one at that. I have not used herion in 3 years now.Iam 35 years old i started using drugs at 13 and found herion at 22 yrs old and fell in love with it.I allowed it to take everything from me.I had no feelings for anyone but how can I get more.Today iI have everything back and more and love life.Thank you so much for this site now I can come and vist and check on people.If anyone ever needs to talk they can e-mail me at email@example.com God bless everyone.
Meriden, CT USA - I AM A 24-YEAR OLD RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT I'VE BEEN CLEAN FOR ALMOST 1 YEAR.THE FIRST TIME IN 7 YEARS THAT I WENT THIS LONG,AND I MUST SAY THAT IT FEELS SO GOOD TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK,AND TO HAVE MY FAMILY BACK IN MY LIFE.JUST SOME WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO OTHER ADDICTS OUT THERE WHO ARE STILL USING AND WANT TO STOP BUT IT SEEMS THAT YOU CANT RIGHT NOW,IF YOU REALLY WANT TO YOU CAN,EVERYBODY HAS TO HIT THEIR BOTTOM,WHERE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH,BUT EVERYBODYS BOTTOM IS DIFFERENT.SO TO ALL THAT IS STILL USING PLEASE DO IT FOR YOUR SELF,SO YOU CAN HAVE THAT LIFE THAT FOR SO LONG WE NEVER HAD AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL COME INTO PLACE. TRUST ME!!!LIFE IS WORTH LIVING WITH SO MUCH TO SEE PUTTING DOWN THE DRUGS YOU WILL FINALLY BE FREE!G.O.D. BLESS
MATT J. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
slatington, pa USA - If I was the devil himself, I could'nt come up with a better way to destoy somone and all that now or love them. I have been addicted to everything from booze to cocaine in every form the pipe(crack) nose needles. seventeen prisons,treatment centres ect ect. The pain I'v had and caused is to much to comprehend. Then four years ago while sitting in a cell wanting to committ suicide raving in pain from the loss of my little boys and everything eles in this world. I thought if there is god would cry out to him and did. miricles happened after three years clean the return of my sons,money and a good rep,I truly changed. But I never new herion. I was working trying to help young people avoid my mistakes in life, I met herion and now Iam addicted bad. I just cant get through the detox, it's just to much to take. I want so much to get one more try, I will never again make this mistake,if I could just get through detox. my little boys are,nt so small anymore Iam scared for us. I did changed, in my heart back in that cell,I still care for people, haven,t been back to jail or that life style. Please God hear my cry give me one more chance. The only way for me seams this new detox (rapid detox treatment) so I can get threw. I know how to stay clean, and have learn,t even more since that night in the cell, but the devil (or so it feels) wont let me get detoxed. rapid detox is six thousand dollars I dont have, I would make payments the rest of my life to get the treatment.The life my children had before I tryed herion is slowly getting taken away, and they only have me in this world.So thanks for your web page,its a scary place I am in and your page helped.If I can help anyone with my story let me know, its helped some in other places. andy
vancouver, b.c Canada - Hi my name is jessica. I have vist this site before. i check up on it almost everytime i come on the internet. i am a recovering heroin addict. i am 16 i i was snorting everyday for one year. i am now 10 weeks clean and feel better than ever. even when you think there is no hope, there always will be hope and you can do it if you let yourself. to erins mom Mrs.Allen , When i come to your web page...i read your site and it aspires me to slay clean and to live without the fix.. or the cravings everyday...it kinda make me feel really good that i am one out of many to overcome this addiction i have had for so short of time but what has done damage.i am very sure your daughter was A great girl and had a very good heart..god bless you, your family and your daughter. TO ALL ADDICTS..GOD BLESS YOU ALL..
CHICAGO, IL USA - Hello;
My name is Cheryl Rose and I am a recovering heroin addict. I havde been an addict for 36 years and by the grace of God I found a place for people like myself, it is called TROSA and it located in North Carolina. I am from Massachusetts and have tried many time to stop using heroin and could never get that monkey off of my back. Today after 2 years at TROSA I am drug and alcohol free and training to stay on here as staff. I started putting a needle in my arm at the age of 17 and today I am a 54 year old woman who is finally living a life. Getting clean is the easiest thing to do staying clean is the hardest, most of us don't even know that we are in the tunel never mind see the light at the end. I can only tell you that you did everything you could for your child and that what you are doing now by this web site will save someones life. I applaud your strength and your dedication to your daughter. My mother is 80 years old and until two and a half years ago I don't think she had a full nights sleep. Thank you,Cheryl
Cheryl Rose <email@example.com>
Durham, NC USA - Dear Mrs.Allen my name is Kristen Iam 22 years old and Iam 10 months and two days clean from heroin and when I read your story I cried Iam still crying I went through so much when I was useing and put my mom through hell I hope That your story will affect other addicts the way it has me I started useing in pittsburg p.a and carried my addiction with me back home and was clean a year started useing agian and thats when the needle took over and my life and my 2 babies life along with my mothers went down with my addiction i would like your permission to print your story and take it to a N/A meeting with me it really touched home with me please E-mail me and let me know if that would be ok thank you and iam so sorry for your daughter and for your pain
Kristen Shearer <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Ontario, OHIO USA - Can I add? Sorry. I wholeheartedly agree with the post below by Scott. I myself found methadone harder to kick than dope, and I have only had methadone in detox for a few days. Once you get out, and that wears off I think it's way worse. It truly does affect your bones etc., and I agree about the policing of the methadone, and keeping track of addicts. BUT for some it is the right way for them, and if that works than that is wonderful. Everyone is different. I was also leary of some of the new meds they push in detox, and are doing clinical trials on. I know this sounds hypocritical, but who knows what the heck that stuff is. I may be paranoid, but I believe it's another way to keep track of the downtrodden. Let's give the lowlifes some free CD's, and a voucher, for their participation in this new drug program. NAH. They even promised it would make withdrawl easier, and I refused it. Just my opinion of course, but whatever works to keep your loved ones I'm for it. Love to all, and I pray for you parents I wish I could help everyone of your children.
Philly, USA - Hey Mrs. Allen, Hoping this letter finds you well. You are doing such wonderful things, and helping so many people. For the parents out there who have posted......never give up on your kids. Never. I personally have been in rehabs, and detoxes and met kids whose families had just enough of the madness. It can work. They need you. It's their lives. I understand that the chaos is unbearable, and I myself feel responsible for illness, and deaths in my family caused by the stress I gave out. I'd heard clean people say that for some reason just one day you'll wake up, and it won't be so bad...the cravings will cease, and there will be hours you don't think about the dope. Amazingly it's true, and I'm blessed to have gotten there. I empathize with everyone, and their pain. It can be done. Hang in there.
Philly, USA - I'm so sorry for all u went thru! I have never been addicted but I have had a boyfriend who was. He is still alive, but his life is not in anyway th life he wished to have! I can understand the strange feeling of being attracted to Drugs, because I also am. I'm just lucky to have a strong will, which kept me from ever trying!
I miss the Persin my ex was before gettin' addicted...
So as we would say in German: Halt die Ohren steif!
Germany - im a recovering herione addict,actuuly every drug.ive battled with addiction for years.im 35,i was in 3 rehabs by the age of 18 .i went to prison at 18 for theft crimes to support my habbit.over the years ive had moments of complete sobrity.cuurently im playing with fire cuz i drink occasionaly and smoke weed.your story of your daughter touched me cuz it is me also.i havent found any peace with myself,id love to be completely drug free.ill probley die from an overdose also,iv allready done that twice but lived.its wierd cuz i dont look like a drugy,i hope your daughter and others that have passed like this will watch over me....love you.thanks
fresno, ca USA - Addictive drugs (including nicotine and alcohol) fundamentally alter the neurobiology of the brain. Interestingly, researchers have found the same change in folks who are addicted to gambling. And, as we know, most addictions begin in youth. It *is* a disease; not a moral failure.
NY USA - Lets remember not to talk trash to each other on this site. Everyone needs to remember that all people have different views on Heroin. I view this site as a support system for addicts and family/friends who have loved ones with this devilish problem. Lets love and support! No need to bash an addict of any sort. I myself do not have an addiction and never have. I have never done drugs and never will. I love this site though because of all the kind hearted people. I love to assist people as well so I will continue to monitor this site and help where I can. Take it 1 day at a time and remember everythings going to be alright in the end. Jesus loves all of us. He is you best leader. Ask for guidence when times get rough. I love everyone and stay strong. R.I.P. George Johnson. I miss you brother and will never forget! I will see you again someday when I get to Heaven!
Kennesaw , GA USA - Please learn to spell before you write any messages regarding an addiction you "obviously" know nothing about................This drug takes over your mind and soul, do not pass judgement.................
USA - THE MOOR I READ THE HARDER IT IS TO UNDERSTAND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IT IS ECACTLY U DO TO SHOOT UP AND THE FEELING THAT IT GIVES U AS I AM AT A LOSS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE BIG LOVE OF IT IS .... THANKS
USA - Hi everyone. I am so thankful to have come across this website. Thank you Erin's Mom for starting it, by reading some of the posts, I feel a bond with all of you. My son who is 23, had court yesterday to face his possession of heroin charge. His public defender suggested a pre-sentence investigation for him. The judge and the State's attorney agreed to it. John is now waiting to get interviewed by Parole and Probation to get things going. He too, has had a long battle with heroin. He did attend a 30 day rehab in the summer. It wasn't long after that he went back to hanging with his old friends who still use. He swears he is still clean. But I fear it is only a matter of time before he will be tempted and start using again. I think this whole drug charge woke him up some, but I don't know for sure. His attitude is the same as when he was using. I asked him if he had a choice to go back to a rehab again for good measure or go to jail, what would he chose. He said jail, that he doesn't need rehab anymore because he is clean. I can't figure him out. He has put us thru more hell, as you all can imagine. Anyway, I am glad I found this site to have people to talk to about all this. I don't know what will happened with this pre-sentencing investigation and all. He is due to be sentenced on Jan 7th. He has had no priors and this is his first drug offense, he go caught at anyway. He has been a user of pills and heroin for about three years now. Has anyone gone thru a similar situation like this or any thoughts, I would appreciate it. I have mixed feelings about jail time, at least he would be away from any temptation to use, but the probation, if he gets that would have to be very strict. If he can get away with anything, he will try it. That is just the way he is. The simpler and easy the rules the better and that will not help him a bit. he will need the probation officer to be on him constantly in order for him to straighten up. Please write me back anyone???? Thanks
Jean Doyle <email@example.com>
Elkton, Md USA - I came across your site this past September and wrote you about my daughter Molly. She ended up getting 30 days for probation violations and was sent to Purdy prison to do her time, where also she is on methadone to maintain her pregnancy On October 13,2004 prison put my daughter Molly on the bus to come home to me her mother..Molly spent 7 days with me and fiance' until the treatment survices I hooked my daughter with got temporary housing for her..Her baby is due this coming Sunday and we have made 3 trips to the hospital only to be sent home again false labor...Since my daughter can have her baby at anytime I have her stayin with me and I take her into town every morning for her methadone dose...As I right this my daughter is asleep here in the same room with me..Sometimes I think I am dreaming, but this is for real. Molly wants to wean off the mehtadone as soon as her baby is born..The home she will go into for 6 months, with her baby does not allow a mother whom is on methadone...At this point my concern is reality will set in and will it all be too much for Molly to handle. From the streets for the past years, having had no prenatel care to all of a sudden a mother raising her newborn. God opened all these doors up for my daughter. Its quite hard to deal with, and at this point I can only take my daughter one day at a time....I fear how Molly will react, to her own baby going through withdrawl of the methadone, as they will have to give baby morphine and valium...I know that I cannotput expectations on my daughter, but I just pray to God, this is it, and she will change her life around, and not return to the streets and her heroine...I thank my Lord everytime I look at my daughter.....a mother from Selah writes again.....
Selah, WA USA - i work with a coworker who lost her duaghter to a drug over dose i have years clean my self an feel erins story way to much.marie is there a number or hot line for my coworker who,s going thrue a tuff time right now it,s her first xmas with out her lorie please i,ll be ever so gratefull for someone she can talk with joe
miami, fla USA - PIX FIXATION THATS ALL IT IS TAKE AWAY THE NEEDLE AND USE WOULD ALL BE STUFFED ........ THINK ABOUT THAT, WOULD U STILL WANT IT THAT MUCH IF THAT WAS THE CASE, BET U DONT EVEN NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE ANSWER
AUS - I'm sorry but I wasn't knocking methadone treatment ,if it works for them and makes them feel realitivly the so called "normal", then good luck to them, what are you on about ?
To tell you the truth I just found out this morning that a girlfriend 25yrs of age hung her self last night , she lest behind 3 children , one just 4 mounts old..... Her brother is just about to get married in 3 weeks, her death is drug related and even though i am so sadden by this I still can't understand her actions, and before u say anything that u dont know untill u have walked in "these" shoes , I have and I dont care what u or the next person says we all have choices and the choices we make represent the people that we are..... No matter how hard things get if u really want to u can turn things around..It is going to take time and a hell alot of heart ache emotionally and physically ..
USA - I agree, do your research before passing any judgement. I have two sons who nearly lost their life to herion, because I, their mother was so against methadone. They are both currently on a methadone maintenance program with counseling that has literally saved their lives. Both are full-time employed, my oldest son is living on his own in his own apartment. Something he would have never had if it had not been for the methadone. You comment was it was "their choice to stick a needle in their arm" and you are correct, although you do not know the cycle of a herion addiction. It is not something you wake up one morning and say I'm just not gonna do it anymore, its more powerful then you or I will ever understand. Keeping an open mind and not judging a person is the best thing anyone can do. Do not look down upon a person who has sought help through methadone when all other methods have failed. Both of my children were in long-term and short-term facilities. This drug is truly the devil, it never leaves you alone one you tinker with it. Therefore, if methadone works, WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE!!!! Don't make a comment about this addition unless you have walked a mile (probably more than a million miles) in my shoes as a parent who has always been there for my children, never turned my back, and finally accepted metadone as an alternative treatment plan to save my children's lives!
PA USA - Dear UK You need to do some research on addiction before you judge anyone!
DE USA - Geez everyones story sounds some what similar to the next persons . I do not know how anyone can compare being a H addicted person to someone having cancer . It is nothing alike.
What all u addicts are forgetting is it was your choice of sticking a needle in your arm and it was your choice again to do it again and the time after that and so on .
I am sorry ,I do feel very sorry for you on your loss , and to anyone who has lost a loved one to H
It basically comes down to if you want to stop. Anyone can do anything they want to do , take it from me .
Dont say it is a disease what a load of crap a disease is something you have no way of preventing .
It makes me so mad to listen to people winge like they are the victoms and how society frowns apon them, what do they expect .
I have had my fair amount of bad luck and problems but I still get up for work every morning , I pay my morgage every month , I pay all my bills and yes i still go out and run a muck and do things that I shouldnt be doing but I know wher to draw the line and by reading a site like this I am happy that I have got a brain in my head and dont just choose to be a loser as like my father once told me anyone can be a loser , u dont even have to try ......
So come on guys if U really wanna make a go and get clean do it, stop talkin about it and sayin how hard it is , of course its hard
Life isnt meant to be easy its what u make it , u people have made H apart of your life and the lifestyle thatgoes with it.
The balls in your court , no one elses but YOUR OWN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
USA - This website is no blessing to people who are in need of help. Sometimes it's like you want to shoot some dope. reading these accounts just makes addicts like me fanticize abouts the highs. the jab of a needle, the rape of a loved one. i want to tell the world how i feel, but there's no outlet. it ia too bad that Erin has passed, but a few must suffer for the good of the majority. My little sister passed on 3 years ago next month, from a heroin overdose. we used to shoot each other up in the neck, I loved that. those were the good times. we had a girl together that we got hooked on h too! it was fun, you know? You know thats love when it doesn't matter what they do, you just love the high too much. But there both gone now. And it still hurts so bad to jab my groin with a needle. Three years later, another daughter was born with my other addict sister. she was born with just three fingers on each hand. its going to be tough to manipulate the needle when she gets old enough to get high.
arnie p. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
hoover, NC USA - Where i live it seems like no matter who you talk to they no someone thats addicted to o.c or herion.But, it wasnt that long ago when my former best friend whos mother was addicted to it and it was the reason her mother wasnt around her whole life spoke of doing it with her boyfriend,who i started my addiction to cocaine with.so it seems like every where you go there going to be someone that may not try but, do end up taking you down!!!i'm clean now! my best friend & her boyfriend were last seen doped up in a kids basement drooling on eachother.
USA - Dear Marie, I lost my beautiful daughter, Melanie, on Oct. 30,2004. I can hardly make it through the day. She had become my best friend and had been struggling to stay clean for a month. We still do not know what killed her but we know in some way it was the result of heroin addiction. I am a friend of your brother Carl(he was my husband, Frank's best friend). I would love to talk to you. Please e-mail me at email@example.com. Linda
Linda Gattuso <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Elkton, MD USA - I stumbled upon this site being bored at work. I feel for all the families and friends that have dealt with this horrible drug. I was in a program in Western Samoa about 7 years ago for a lot of trouble I had gotten into over the years when I was a youth. I never had a drug problem but most of the kids there did. I had a good friend named George Johnson there. He lived in Richardson Texas. I have heard about the major heroin problem there. We kicked it every day for about 8 months in the program and then he went home. I MISSED THAT GUY. I got out a couple months after that. I was on the internet and somehow found his moms email address. Her and I communicated and I was told that he was having problems with drugs again. I had no idea it was heroin. I dont think she knew either. She informed me a month after we had been in contact that he had to leave his house because she had found his marijuana. I was going to go see him and I had told her that because I thought I maybe could help. I never even had the chance to meke plans with her to come down there. It seems like the next day I got an email from her explaining to me that he had died of a heroin overdose at a friends apartment he was staying at. I burst into tears when I heard read it. I could feel her pain through the email. He always told me how much he loved his mom and how she meant the world to him. I am tearing up just thinking about how it wrecked his mom and how I lost a good friend. I hate drugs. I miss my buddy. I miss that goofy Micky Mouse Tatoo on his shoulder. I miss his art work. I miss George! I hope all addicts find help and are able to kick the monkey. I wish the best for the Johnson family and hope all is well. Western Samoa Living Forever George!
Atlanta, GA USA - I am living this hell at the moment.My beloved son is a heroin addict aged 23.I have done anything and everything to change things........and am at a loss.My heart goes out to you.May the LORD give you strength to carry on.You are living my nightmare.The pain of losing a child to this is indescribable.Rebecca.
Manchester, U.K. - i know how she fells i just buryed a 17 yera old my best friends son herion overdose and several months ago a good frien 31 jeffery scott herral left a new baby behind it is a terrble problem here in frederick md and totaly preventable rip robert burdette 17 kevin sr
kevin b parrotte sr <email@example.com>
frederick, md usa - Hi My name is Jessica. I am 16. i started doin herion 1 year ago. i tried it with a boyfriend and from there i went down hill. I also started smoking crack and doin H. I didnt know i was addicted until i was to the point of spending 100$ a day on my habbit. since then my addiction has no been as bad as it was,but after a while when i stoped talking to my b/f i was using alone. About 6 1/2 wks ago i was arrested on a warrart and i also caught another case. 5 bags. i was in jail for 3 weeks i spent one week at cook county and then i was transferd to a juvi for another 2 weeks. this friday i will be 7 weeks clean witch is the longest i have ever ever been clean of this drug. I crave everyday. I dream of the unforgetable feeling. i miss it, but i dont miss the old me. i stoped going to school when i was 15 and thought i could do it on my own. lived in the streets. did everything/anything i could do for this dream i wanted.i am now back in school...fighting my addiction everyday. I live about 20 mins away from chicago and i would get my shit off the streets. i pray to god everyday that i am blessed to still be alive and to be clearheaded for so long. ANYONE WHO IS TRYING TO STAY CLEAN~ it can be done..god bless all of you and pray that you can be blessed with a miracle and fight that dream.GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!! ****if anyone would like to talk please e-mail me.
Chicago, Il USA - I am a heroin addict. I've been on the stuff now for nearly four years.I tried to give up crack about a year ago, but it was all for not!! But with drugs comes prostitution, and I love prostitution in a dark restroom in a bus station- sigh**! stealing helps keep the junk in my arm! I'm living a pretty normal life now. At the station all my hair was ripped out, I was bald, my head was repeatedly stamped on until I was nearly killed. My parents who I hadn't seen for ages were phoned up by the police to say I had been assaulted. It was more like gang raped! My mom said she had gone through enough pain, and to just take her out back and shoot her! some mom! She wanted me back at home, and was even willing to pay for my heroin on the condition that I stayed off the streets and allowed my parents to sodomize me! Wow! I now have a full time job and pay for the heroin myself. Theres not a day that goes by that I wish I could just erase it all. My mum took me to the Carribean last month for me to come off it. I did two weeks clean but as soon as I came back, heroin was all could think about so I had to go and get it again. If I could wake up tomorrow and have no knowledge at all about the guy i killed for my last fix, I would. But it's not that easy. When I think about the needle in my arm, I have to have it! I love it that much!
hawley H. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
brand station, MD USA - i am sorry for what you went through, anh i will pray every night that nothing like that happens to any of the other heroin users, GOD BLESS you and your family.
CO USA - Erin's story is so close to that of my son, except my son has been given another chance. He is now 34 years old, and started into alcohol and drugs before he was 15. He has lost everything, but mostly he has lost himself. He is in a half-way house now after several detox and re-hab attempts and is trying again to stay clean. His mind, body, spirit is depleted. It breaks my heart that these wonderful young people are destroyed because they made the wrong choices when they were nothing but young teens. Everyday I fear that a call will come to us like the one that came to you from the coroner about your Erin.
TX USA - i have continued reading what people have written on this site, and just want to say thank you to mrs. allen for making it. i have met a person who i found was in my shoes. it's always good to know that you're not the only person out there in the situation. and to be able to contact other people is great. i am a recovering addict myself.. i've been clean for 3 months and plan on continuing .. anyway thank you to all of the ppl who write on this page and share their stories, it's that, that gets some of us thru this... knowing that we have the support of others whom love us
RS, md USA - This is an important website - thank you Marie, and my heart goes out to you, and the other people who have written in to this site. I know people who have been, and who are addicted to this drug and it is devastating. But for anyone out there who is addicted - i have also met people who have recovered and who have gone on to live healthy and productive lives. So don't give up. God bless.
australia - MRS ALLEN...HOPE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE DOING OK..I POP IN AND OUT OF THIS WEBSITE FROM TIME TO TIME....THINGS ARE THE SAME HERE AS MY MIDDLE SON TRIED TO CASH A STOLEN CHECK AND ENDED UP IN JAIL FOR AT LEAST NEXT MONTH..SORRY TO SAY IT IS KIND OF A RELIEF AS I KNOW HE WON'T BE USING. AND THIS IS TO THE PEOPLE TRASHING "ADDICTS"..." DO NOT JUDGE THESE PEOPLE UNLESS YOU HAVE WALKED IN THEIR SHOES!" Never in a million years do they want to be like this...they were sucked in by the peer pressure and encouraging words of the "real killers....THE DRUG DEALERS! my prayers are with you all...lets just hope there is a MIRACLE..
ma USA - Marie, I wanted to send you an email - but lost your email address. Please contact me at
email@example.com - I'm looking for a long-term rehab/halfway house follow-up. Dan's off heroin/methadone - ready for the long term follow-up - But we have no insurance. I was trying to get him into Fr. Martin's Ashley or Miromont - Let me know if you have any connections or ideas. Thanks! Kitty
Kitty Valera <firstname.lastname@example.org>
USA - I live with my boyfriend and he is a heroin addict. I have never met or been around this type of situation before, and i am not sure how to deal with it. It is very depressing to see such a wonderful person go through this mess and knowing that he is better than this is crushing my world. I dont go a day without thinking about him doing this but he doesnt do n e thing about it. I told him i was going to leave him if i found out that he was doing it again he promised that he would quit and no sooner than a week later he was high on it again, proving to me that he chose heroin over me, and that hurts really bad. Please give me some advice, i am scared and sad and angry all at the same time, what should i do?
md USA - to get off herion and have a normal life. look up the drug called suboxone.you will thank me.its a wonder drug that came out last year. SUBOXONE.
staten island, ny USA - I happened to come across this site, and began to read through this...It is so sad that this evil is everywhere. This was supposed to happen to other people not you and I. But it does and at times we feel there is nothing we can do. Hi my name is Sandra, I am not an addict myself, but a daughter of a man who is. I am not sure what drugs my father was into but I do know that it landed him 10 to 15 in the federal prison. The worst part is that he isn't the only person in my life that battles these demons. My best friend, the entire group I hung out with in jr. and sr. high school. They have been in prison, rehabs, and even the e.r. but still they don't change. The minute they are free they go right back. It kills me inside it brakes my heart to see this. My little brother is caught up in it. The talks I give him to try to help they just aren't enough. To see what my dad is going through isn't enough to change their lives. I pray everyday that god helps these poor souls. I love my dad with all my being, I would die for his well being if it were possible. All we can do is be strong for them, pray for them, and to continue to love for them. They need us....
Beaver, PA USA - hi marie agian so sorry about your daughter.Its been 4 months now since my last post here and still no sign from mary she has since left the halfway house the first week there and i still find it hard to let go any how to all you addicts out there do you want to die or live think about it. drus will do just that or make you very old and sick. i myself tried pot many years ago only twice and i hated the feeling it gave me. dopey feeling.herion is ten times worst
Cause it kills your brain to steal lie cheat have no feelings for others even your parents all addicts think about is drugs and nothing else
Sell your soul mind and body to the devil is that what you want THINK ABOUT IT Never in my life have i even deal with a addict till i met my girl freind whom i did fall in love with for i did not know at the time she was clean what a wonderful women but in two months turn into the devil i know by my study drugs conquer the mind
she did a complete 360 in life treated my dirt but knowing she knows not what she diong drugs took over other wise we were a match im still hurt and will never forget her and my way back highschool freind that set me up with her he knew but i did not.GOOD FRIEND HA Trash that he is to hurt a good soul and heart for which i have gods gift to me in all I HATE DRUGS AND WHAT ITS DOING TO MARY BUT ALSO TO ALL YOU ADDICTS GOD BLESS YOU ALL BEAT THAT DEVIL. Any one that would like to email please feel free to
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west spfld, m USA - I Am very sorry because i used todo it but i was not hooked on it and i can amangine what you are going though and i wish you all the luck to help move you on.
nampa , ID USA - Today I addiction has not progressed to where Erin's Did or has. I am 30 years old, come fromee a wonderful family that had enabled me, helped me turn my self into a full blown addict by the time I was 20. 2 pregnancys with gallstones did not help the OB Rxed Mepergan-Forte ( syn. MOrphine & phenagan) lost my first baby at 1 mo old to meningitis (BAC). now ive shot herion prob 3 or 4 times 1 of the times all night long IM a pretty chick and people are
happy to to get me trashed. It is so hard and I need methadone maint program bad.. jax metro being a single mom $12 a day i might as well go get some percocets or xanax. please help any one out there. Im sick!!!! and have a wonderful little boy who is suffering and learning how to become me or his father who suffers too and adds that Drink on top of that. PLS RESPOND!!! anyone
Jacksonville, FL USA - I have read Erin's story and many of the comments left by other readers. I am unable to stop the pain in my heart for all. My baby brother is a heroin addict. Has been for a few years. My family has tried to love him through it all believing that if we didn't give up on him he wouldn't give up on himself. We still love him but it gets harder and harder to see him and deal with him. He has stolen from most of the family,(money, checks, personal property,ect...) anything he can sell or trade. No one trust him. We all hold our pocketbooks when he shows up and keep our cars locked. He has called to try to get help. The last time he called was after he had tried to kill himself. He was told that he wasn't bad enough off yet to be accepted by the program. How bad off do you have to be?? We don't know where to look for help or what to do if there even is anything we can do. We know that he has to want help in order for things to ever change and we will never give up on him. He is Loved. Since he called to get help and they wouldn't do anything for him he has gotten worse. Everything has escalated, almost as if there is nothing to loose anymore. I too wait for that phone call. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for giving others like me a place to share what no one wants to hear. AC
far north, VT USA - dear mrs. allen, i have just stumbled acorss Erin's site.. it's ironic b/c as i was going thru web pages i was on my cell phone with one of my friends.. and we were talking about an assemlbly that we had viewed at the Rising Sun Middle School when we were in 8th grade. then all the sudden i found Erin's site! i started reading it, and very quickly realized that this was the girl! this was the girl that our assembly was about. i just graduated from high school this year, so the assembly was at least 4-5 years ago, yet, it's still so fresh in my head. i remember it as if it were yesterday. i still remember you crying talking about your daughter, and i still remember the Pink Floyd song
RS, MD USA - i'm sorry it's actully cats345@hotmail, i messed up, but, anyway, someone who runs this site please please please get in touch with me. thank you
USA - I was wondering if someone who runs this website could contact me . I have an important question and can't figure out how to get in touch with the webmaster of this site.thanks,
USA - If we don't find a good half way home for my sister, she has to go to jail. I don't which if either will be better. If anyone has any suggestions for 3/4 or 1/2 way homes in Michigan or near there...that are affordable please e-mail me. tank you for your help and your stories. ~Terra
USA - I am twenty years old and my identical twin sister is a heroin addict. I just moved to california from michigan two months ago. Not because i didnt' care, because i've tried everything i can think of to get to her and everytime i think she's clean, i find out that she's using...i had to leave. To take care of myself. I left my mom, she is single and finally got the courage to tell my sister she couldnt' stay there anymore...i know it was the hardest thing to do. We have strong faith and pray everyday. But my sister cried the day before she went to rehab for her fourth time in one year, and she said she was scared that she was going to be this way for ever. She was scared she would be just another junkie. I know she has so much potential and is beautiful and smart. I quess i'm writing to ask for prayers, or advice. Everytime the phone rings my stomach turns, i am just waiting for the call. I dont' want to lose my twin sister.
San Francisco, CA USA - HEROIN JUNKIES SPREAD MISERY AND DESTRUCTION WHERE EVER THEY GO AND TO WHO EVER THEY MEET. PEOPLE ARE AFFRAID OF THEM. I GOT MUGGED BY ONE AND PRICKED BY "IT'S" SYRINGE............ A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH TO THEM ALL.
des malloy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
USA - My Daughter's Father is a heroin addict. I have tried every wy to help him. He left me now. He believes I cheat on him and well whatever else he can acuse e of. I have only been faithful and a friend to him and he walked out on us. Now he wont call me and he shows up at the babysitter's home and they won't answer the door. I wil lose my childcare if he keeps this up. I dont know how to get over him. I hate this. He has been in a 30 day program and goes to a Methadone clinic. Any advice?
Norwalk, CT USA - i am very sorry for u n ur family. iwas addicted drugs for about 10yrs n to heroin for about 3yrs on n off i been to about 13 to 14 rehabs, and im in one now in fl it is called holistic i been here for about 17 days n im doing very good this is the happest i ever been yea its gets hard, but this place helps u find out y u did the drugs. n a couple weeks ago iwas about to kill myself by a overdoos. i thought i would never be happy n never get off heroin. now i know how to not run away frommy probles if u know people that is addicted to drugs dont ever give up on them bc if it wasnt for my mom i would be dead to. n yes she kick me out of her house she didnt bail me out of jail.that how u dont give up on them n help them i thought it wasnt but it is so dont bail them out dont keep them in ur house. get them in a treatment. n it took me 14 rehabs to start gettin my life in order n to star growing up. this a good rehab u guys should call it. bc no one wants to die from this. good luck everyone it works
hamburg, nj USA - im so sorry to hear this exspecialy knowing my father is a homeless herion addict in baltimore for 6 years now.
Strephen Wise <email@example.com>
ridgely, md USA - I read these websites all the time and I wonder how many of these addicts would have walked in front of a bullet or a speeding car. Taking that first fix of heroin was preparing for just that. Getting slammed by a speeding car and being pronounced dead. I guess I am sick and tired of all the after math of that first fix. No one has a perfect life. No one has all the answers but not everyone turns to drugs such as heroin. I feel so much sorry because I lost my only child to heroin. I did not put that needle in his arm. I did not steal from his grandmother. I did not lie and cheat everyone who ever cared for him. I miss him every day but I am not making any excuses for him. He made poor choices and he paid the consequences. I am glad for anyone who is clean and sober but DUH get a clue. Do the drugs do the time and the sentence.
Carol Michael's Mom
Minneapolis, Mn USA - Methadone saved me and my babies life. It may not work for everyone but I have seen the good it can do.I have been clean 2 years. I fight my addiction everyday. It whispers to me at night hell I dream about it. Heroine is the hardest drug to kick..I know I have had problems with them all.I am alive today because I decided I wanted to live for me and my kids. But I also realize that relapse can be right around the corner, so I don't get too cocky. I lost a friend of mine that was only 18 years old recently. She took too much methadone and Xanacs together.She was also the mother of 1 year old twins. I hate what addiction does to you.
Kitty Stiltner <firstname.lastname@example.org>
NC USA - i'm so sorry for your lost. i went through methadone waited in the long lines. i felt mistreated at the clinics. it just didnt fit in with my work schedule, i figuer i keep using. im going down the same street with this H. i feel like my life is one big lie. thats all i think about all day, is dope when and how im going to get it, and i hate it . i miss the person i was! i wish i was never introduced to it. one more thing i work construction building casinos, one of fellow workers was leaving work and decied to stop in the portajhons on the site. he went in at 3:30 they didnt find him till the next morning. he od at 29. after seeing that im scared ! im going to get straight. i just feel my life is worth living. again sorry for your lost and God bless us all. me..
bronx, ny USA - I am so sorry for your lose. I am glad that I came across your page. I am also a heroin addict and have been for almost a year. On April 24, 2004 I had a friend that had never tried it and had money, I told him I could get him the best high ever. He agreed with hestitation, but I was very convincing. We got a hotel room and he tried heroin, We were holding each other and I thought he was in a nod the same as me. At some point he died in my arms and I didn't even know. I killed him and was to high to know. I have so much quilt over this and to deal with it I keep getting high. I HATE it!!! I want to stop but CAN'T !! Sometimes I think is the only way to find peace from heroin. I hope I am wrong....
billerica, ma USA - I pray for all of you who are addicted to this drug. In 1 month I managed to loose 3 friends to this drug.
Dan from Colorado
Boulder, USA - hi marie agian so sorry about your daughter
ive written here 5 or 6 times and this site you made is very good good job agian my story holds the same its been now 3 months now that my girlfreind went to a halfway house i had some one call there yesterday she has not reported back there since i droped her off i know she went there to exscape not for help when we broke up over a year ago she was going with a drug dealer hes now been arrested twice thank god and i know shes not with him but i still cant let her
out of my mind for i do love her but i know she knows not what shes doing drugs take over the mind she really hurt my soul by calling me 100 times from jail lied to me wanted to work things out then a ride to a halfway house now nothing but i knew all along her game i went along with it hoping i was wrong in my state and city police
arrested over 500 drug dealers big time ones and prositutes but still they are out there i would like to say to all addicts out there there is help out there not mettings clinics but one on one consuling and treatments centers that gaurentee success where you stay for 6 months and do not leave there till you show them your really clean to live the outside world clean meetings and such are not good cause your with other addicts in a bad form they even deal drugs there and all they talk about is drugs which give the other addicts ideas the other program i mention yes they talk drugs but also how to meet certain goals in a clean life not in na meetings
ive done study deeply on this because of my girlfriend any how god bless you all beat this devil put him where he belongs hell for good
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west spfld, ma USA - I Used Heroin for ten years from 1987 to '97. Of coarse, most of my old usin friends are now gone.
I'm very sorry to hear about Erin, If I knew her- I'm sure she was an angel. Heroin is pure Evil.
Erin may have been Taken- But God has Her now...
For your lost one, I am sorry.
Long Beach , CA USA - My brother just died yesterday from a heroin overdose. I just don't understand he had 2 beautiful babies. He said he would not do it anymore and he had been in the state prison and we thought he was doing good and he got out on Monday night and Overdosed on Tuesday morning. I just don't understand. I just wonder if anyone knows if it hurts. I want to know the truth of whether he was in pain or not??
Tanya Sorensen <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Ind USA - I would to send my sympathy to Erin's family. I lost my boyfriend august 28, 2004 due to herion. He was recovering since he got out of jail in may. He seemed to be doing so well. but some how slipped. I was with him the night before he died and woke up to a phone saying that he was gone. I was in disbelief and sometimes still am. I truly wish that the government would do something to get this drug off the streets or have more help available.so that people are aware of this evil drug that is taking peoples lives unnecessarily. Thank God for the peace that he has been able to give me. he was a good person but the devil got the best of him. please keep me in prayer. and mya God bless you
Danielson, Ct USA - I would to send my sympathy to Erin's family. I lost my boyfriend august 28, 2004 due to herion. He was recovering since he got out of jail in may. He seemed to be doing so well. but some how slipped. I was with him the night before he died and woke up to a phone saying that he was gone. I was in disbelief and sometimes still am. I truly wish that the government would do something to get this drug off the streets or have more help available.so that people are aware of this evil drug that is taking peoples lives unnecessarily. Thank God for the peace that he has been able to give me. he was a good person but the devil got the best of him. please keep me in prayer. and mya God bless you
Danielson, Ct USA - God bless Erin. Theresa, if you are reading this, and i am sure that you are, I just want you to know that I miss you very much and you are always in my thoughts. Please email me if you get this. Love, your ol' friend Tim
Tim il <email@example.com>
Phila, PA` USA - I'M SO SORRY,
MY DAUGHTER STEPHAINE (20) HAS BEEN USING HEROIN,SMOKING ICE, SHE IS NOW 85 POUNDS (WET) AND WILL NOT SEEK HELP. MY GRANDBABY HAS BEEN LIVING WITH ME FOR 4 MONTHS STRIGHT AND SHE HAS SEEN HIM 2 TIMES, I NEED HELP I DON'T NO WHERE TO START SHE GET'S ON THESE KICKS WHERE SHE NEEDS TO BE A MOM AND THAT I'M THE BAD ONE SAYING I'M KEEPING SHE FROM HER SON . LILMAN IS 13 MONTHS SHE MISSED HER FIRST MOTHERDAYS HIS FIRST BIRTHDAY HIS FIRST TOOTH AND HIS FIRST STEP. I LOOK AT MY STEPHAINE SHE CAME OVER ON 09/06/04 WITH ONE OF HER GIRLFREINDS SHE CAME IN AND STARTED PACKING UP SOME THING FOR LILMAN AND SAID SHE WAS TAKING HIM THE THE NIGHT,OUT OF THE BLUE NO PHONE CALL FOR 4 WEEKS AND SHE JUST WANTS TO TAKE HIM I WOULD NOT LET HER SHE SAID THAT LOUIS (BABY DAD) 32 BEEN MARRIED 2 TIMES HAS 2 BOYS WITH ONE AND A GIRL WITH OTHER DOES NOT PAY HIS CHILDSUPPORT,OR HOLD DOWN A JOB JUST FOUND OUT HE HAS WARRENTS OUT FOR. HE TOLD HER YOU DONT BEEN THE BABY HERE FOR ME TO SEE I'M LEAVING AND NOT COMING BACK. I TOLD STEPHAINE I WILL DRIVE YOU AND LILMAN TO IRVING LET LOUIS SEE LILMAN,( I TOOK MY SON (19) WITH ME IN CASE THE WAS ANY TROUBLE. WE GOT TO SOME RUN DOWN APT. AND HE'S LAD UP ON THE COUCH SEEN ME GOT MAD, WANTING TO NO WHY SHE BROUGHT ME THERE SCARED I WAS GOING TO CALL THE POLICE ON HIM, ME AND HIM HAD OUR WORDS AND THEN HE STARTED CRYING TOLD ME STEPHAINE NEEDS HELP ( YOU JUST NOW SEEING THAT)BUT HE'S THE ONE GETTING HER THE DRUGS, AFTER ALL THAT WAS SAID AND DONE TOLD STEPHAINE HE WASING LEAVING THEY BOTH SAT ON THE COUCH HOLDING LILMAN HE WANTS TO GET DOWN AND WALK AND PLAY BUT THERE TO MUCH STUFF EVERY WHERE FOR HIM TO GET IN TOO. A GUY KNOCK ON THE DOOR CAME IN WITH HIS GIRLFREIND AND LIL BOY MAYBE 3 YEARS OLD THEY TOOK TURNS GOING TO THE BATHROOM BY THIS TIME I'M GATHERING LILMAN THING UP AND CHANGED HIS DIAPER THEY SAID THEY HAD TO LEAVE, KISSED LILMAN AND WALKED OUT I STOOD THERE NOT KNOWING WHO APT I WAS IN AND HAD 3 STAIRS TO CLIAM DOWN WITH HIM AND EVERYTHING SHE PUT IN THE DIAPER BAG I LEFT THE DOOR UNLOCKED (DID'NT HAVE A KEY) NOW YOU TELL ME FOR OVER 3 HOURS FIGHTING WITH MY DAUGHTER OVER LILMAN BUT IN A FLASH THERE GONE AGAIN. LAST NIGHT MY MOM AND ME STAYED UP TILL ABOUT 3:45 WITH HIM CRYING FOR THIS MOMMY AND DADDY HOW CAN ANYBODY JUST FORGET ABOUT THERE BABY LIKE THAT. I'M A 38 YEAROLD (GRANDMOTHER)
HAVE TWO MORE TEENS AT HOME 15 AMBER 19 RONNIE MY MOTHER GREATGRANDMAL MY HUBBY AND IT TAKES ALL OF US TO TAKE CARE OF LILMAN I'M GOING TO FIND OUT IF THEY ARE GOING TO DO WHAT THEY SAY. I'M GOING BACK OVER THERE LATER TODAY HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO TALK TO HER ABOUT GOING IN TO DRUG REHAB AND THAT HE WOULD TURN HIS SELF IN TO GET LEAGAL SO HE CAN GET A JOB TRY TO BECOME A FAMILY SO PLEASE PRAY FOR MY LILMAN AND ME. I NEED SOME INFO ON GETTING TEMP CUSTODY OF HIM SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORRIE ABOUT THEM COMING AND TAKING HIM FROM US.CAN SOMEONE HELP?
Dallas, TX USA - I just came across this because I was searching and feel very alone. My son is now in Rehab for Heroin addiction. If I even started to write what I have been through some people would say oh, you are lieing. I want nothing more than to have my son back and for him to be whole again and functioning in society. He has family support and he is loved so much. When I read Erin's story and Marie's story, it was almost like I had written it my self and I cried. I want nothing more than this to be a help, for my son. I would love to correspond with other Parent's that have been through this type of horrible addiction. Please, feel free to email me... Everybody out there pray for all addicts, they all want help but do not know where to grasp, and where to turn...
Linda Bladek <firstname.lastname@example.org>
little falls, ny USA - HI MARIE AGIAN SORRY AGAIN THANK YOU FOR THIS SITE FOR ALL OF US WHO HURT FROM THIS MONSTER THAT HURT OUR LOVE ONES WHEN I WAS MARRIED AND GOT MY DIVORCED I GOT OVER IT BUT THIS ONE SEEMS TO LINGER ON SHES BEEN GONE TO THE HALF WAY HOUSE
NOW FOR TWO MONTHS AND NOT A WORD FROM HER WHEN SHE WAS IN JAIL SHE CALLED ME A HUNDRED TIMES THEN WHEN SHE FOUND OUT I COULD NOT HELP HER GET OUT OF JAIL SHE JUST TURN THE PAGE GAVE HER MONEY
MY HOME IF SHE WANTED TO STAY AND MORAL SUPPORT
BUT SHE JUST PLAIN STOMPED ON IT WHEN I HAD DROPED HER OFF THAT DAY SHE SAID DONT MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS I SAID NOTHING THEN HELP HER WITH HER THINGS THEN SHE SAID THANK YOU AND ILL CALL YOU OR WRITE YOU SHE HAS NOT DONE SO ALSO SHE HAD CHANGED HER MAILING ADDRESS TO MINE
AND I STILL GET HER MAIL COULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY IS IT THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO LET KNOW ONE KNOW HER WHERE ABOUTS I HAD WROTE HER A LETTER TO THE HALFWAY HOUSE AND TOLD HERIM HER FOR HER ONLY IF SHE WANTS ME IF NOT IWISH HER THE BEST OF LUCK AND ALSO ASKED HER WHY SHE LEAD ME ON TO BELIVE SHE WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT AND I WAS PLAIN ABOUT IT AND SAID SHE LIED AND FELT HURT
BUT I STILL LOVE HER AND KNOWING SHE DONT CARE ABOUT MESHE PROBLL FORGOT MY NAME WOW THIS SMELLS LIKE A DEAD RAT YOU KNOW I CAN LOOK AT SOMETHING IN MY HOME ANYTHING HERE AND IT REMINDS ME OF HER CANT SEEM TO LET GOWHY IS THAT
MAYBE CAUSE IM REAL LONELYBUT I ALSO SAW THE GOOD PART IN HER WHEN SHE WAS CLEAN GOD ONLY KNOWS WHATS SHE UP TO NOW I HAVE CONNECTIONS HERE
IN MY CITY AND SHES BEEN SEEN BUT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET SHE MAKES ONE BAD MOVE SHE WILL BE BACK IN JAIL SO I THINK SHE KEEPING A LOW PROFILE
THEY DO THAT IM TOLD THEN THEY WILL COME OUT IN THE OPEN AND USE AGIAN ITS A MATTER OF TIME NOT MATTER WHERE THEY AREI FEEL FOR EVERYONE HERE THAT HURTS CAUSE WE ALL HAVE GOOD HEARTS TO TOLERATE THIS GAINT HEAD GAME AND ONE DAY BEAT THIS MIND ALTERING DEVIL GOD BLESS YOU ALL I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE SO WE CANT VENT AND HELP ONE ANOTHER
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west springfield, ma USA - I am very sorry for your loss. Wish I had words that could help.
D. Marc <firstname.lastname@example.org>
downers, IL USA - I've just revisited your web site and wonderred if my mom was going to be telling that I wrote to you about 2 months ago about my boyfriend who is a heroin addict. Around that time my boy took me out of Philly to his home in kent. I have been living there for the past year. Although most people will say you can find it anywhere, he picked a pretty good spot where we could not find it. this has presented quite a problem. I recently received news that my mom is dying of hepititus c and moved back in with my parents in Philly. I have been here three weeks and it is tough. For one they have my mom on Oxycontin and just knowing that makes me crave the shot. But I can't help but think how after a year of not having it, I can want something that in six months completely destroyed my life. I keep thinking I want to try it just once and I can handle it. I am an intelligent person. I thank god for my boy. He will be here in one week from kent, and hopefully will bring the goods and a clean needle. who knows where I would be without him. It was by reading this that kept me hooked on the wonderfull high, and the jab of a dirty needle. my boy was clean for about two weeks and just up and left one day and got high. It's so hard and i was soo jealous! i really thought this was it. The fact that he left has crushed me and left me with such a bitterness in my heart and such a desire toward this drug. I think ill shoot up! cheers!
jay kenpher <email@example.com>
kent, OH USA - i cant believe the feeling from my first shot! wow! im going to do this forever!
allison p. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
dayton, oh USA - I am so very for the loss of anothe addict who couldn't stay clean long enough to see the miracle happen. My brother passed away last year in Mach at the age of 26. I am clean and on the Hep. C treatment and the needles I have to use sometimes make me want to go back out but then I remember what happened to my brother Christian. My son Michael age 19 is now in a treatment facility and I hope he can make it this time. He's been in 3 other before the age of 19. I myself overdosed at lest 4 times some were because I didn't want to live that way anymore and the others were because I just overdid it. I go to meetings reguarly and it's saving my life because I want to live today!!!!!! I want to show my kida that there is a better way of life. Rest in Peace friend and to my brother may he also rest in pease!
shellyann DeMarco <Eclipsa63@mns.com>
Southington, ct USA - I just wanted to say no matter who you are you are the only one who can make the choice of not using. I was addicted to Heroin i lived on the streets i stole begged and did anything to support my habit. Those of you who are still trying to help your son or daughter don't give up. It was my parents unconditional love for me that helped me come clean. I have been clean for 3 years now have recently got married to a wonderful man in the military an have custody of my daughter back. It can be done!! God Speed...
Stephanie H. <email@example.com>
Bremerton, Wa USA - I am so sorry for you and your family. My 22 year old son, David has had addiction problems for about 10 years now. He has been addicted to heroin on and off for about 3 years. He's not doing well and I prepare myself everyday... It's very hard to feel so out of control when trying to help someone you love with this addiction. I cry everyday and mourn him everyday, knowing at any moment I'll be getting that call. He's been in so many rehab's..He's done some time in jail. I just want to see my real son one more time, it's been a long time now with all the lying and stealing and manipulating...I pray all the time he finds God to help him with his addiction. Linda
Hamburg, nj USA - I just got through printing out the story of Erin to send to my 21 yr. old daughter whom was just put into King County Jail this last Friday.9-3-2004.I have dealt(?) with my daughter's heroin addiction for many years now...I always prayed she would never get pregnant..She is now over 6 months pregnant, and at a couple months along she went on the methadone program....That did not last very long..It is very painful, beyond emotional when your daughter calls you collect and tells you I know just the right amount of heroin to take when I miss my methadone doses so I don't loose my baby...I came to the conclussion that like your daughter my daughter even with a life growing inside of her cannot or will not quit her heroin use....My daughters father has basically wiped his heands of her and thee only ones in this world my daughter has is her brother and my parents. I basically begged my daughters Probation Officer to please keep her in jail now at least until she gives birth to my grandaughter..My daughter had called me the day before she was put in jail wanted me to come pick her up in Seattle and bring her home to detox have the baby then telling me to give the baby up for adoption..knowing she had a warrant for her arrest... I notified her COC and that evening they went and arrested my daughter where she was waiting thinking I was going to pick her up. How more painful could it get? Loosing not only my daughter but now my grandaughter..Almost 2 yrs; ago when my daughter got out of prison after spending one year in for assualting a pregnant lady with a knife, then she said she would never do anything to go back..Then when she got out of prison my fiance' and I fixed up a room spent money on a gun cabinet,as she is a felon I bought her anything I thought she would or might want..That lasted 3 weeks and ended with her stealing my new digital camera and my fiance's car in the middle of the night, which was found where it broke down on the freeway near Seattle WA. 4 hours away from my home.
How does one go on??Only by God's grace and love am I able to endure these past 10 yrs. and now I am faced with a helpless unborn grandchild whom is lucky to be alive still in my daughters womb.I even thought of writing Dr. Phil or Ophra Winfrey, not being rich enough to put my daughter into a secured treatment center, but what it boils down to is my daughter wanting to change and quit....When she was first on her methadone the few times we talked on the phone she sounded so out of it, and I thought this is just another narcotic and a legal way for my daughter to use drugs. You did everything that you could to help your daughter. What more can we do when they don't want to quit?.I feel like I have to do something more, so I know in my heart I tried everything...I have done so much research on heroin addiction that I almost feel like I know too much...For 2 yrs. I used cocaine, snorting it...That was 14 years ago....So I know if you truly want to quit you can..When I did use I never was around my 2 kids, thank God.The only time I sleep well is when I know my daughter is in jail..I know your pain and I thak you for sharing Erin's story...
May God Be With You Sincerely Cathy from Washington State
Selah, WA. USA - My condolences are with you. I am married to a recovering heroin addict but we're separated now due to his addiction. I think thats the best thing for him, myself, and our beautiful 7 month-old child. Maybe you can send some experience, strength, and hope my way. Again, my greatest condolences to you and your family.
Danville, PA USA - I'm so sorry for what your family went through. I have just found out that my daughter is using heroin. It breaks my heart. Please take care and try to remember the good.
USA - Hi marie,
I have been clean from heroin for 2 years now, and besides leaving it behind, I left my best friend too, Natasha. She and I would do heroin together for years, last night I got a phonecall to say that someone had seen her selling her clothes on the street and prostituting herself to the dealers. I have been sitting with fear and sadness in my heart ever since... to just know that the drug takes control of your personality and desire to be free , it is so frightnening, I wish all heroin addicts could read your daughters story and just listen... I wish it could be printed on every billboard. I wish my friend could read what Ive just written and have faith in life and love... I just wish....
Cape town, South Africa - Looking for a narconon meeting came upon this site had to read. My deepest sympathy goes out to you! I know what a horrible thing this addiction is,as my own daughter is going through this very same thing. She is raging and there is nothing we can do. She herself is a mother and Thank God we have her son. At least he is safe!!Reading your daughters journal has enlightened me a little on the curse. Thank You for sharing this with all of us
God Bless You and your family
bridgewater, ma. USA - HI MARIE IM BACK AGIAN AND AGIAN SOORY FOR YOUR
FOR I KNOW YOUR HEART IS BROKEN FOR MY IS ALSO IM HERE AGIAN TO TELL YOU AND ALL OTHERS THAT MY RESEARCH HAS PROVEED SOMETHING ILL TELL YOU WHY JUST ABOUT A HOUR AGO MY NEPHEWS GIRLFREIND SAW MARY IN OUR CITY WHERE DRUGS ARE PURCHASE AND LIKE I SAID I BROUGHT HER TO A HALFWAY HOUSE ITS A HOUR DRIVE FROM HERE I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT ADDICTS SNEAK OUT FROM HALFWAYHOUSES OR GET THERE TIME AWAY BUT STILL USE DRUGS SOME RETURN
WITH DRUGS IN THIER BLOOD IF THAT HAPPENS THEY GET TOSSED OUT CAUSE THEY GET TESTED I KNEW SHE WOULD DO THIS CAUSE ITS SO MIND ALTERING NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO ADDICTS
I LOVE HER BUT SHE LOVES DRUGS AND I CANT DEAL WITH THAT I NEED TO VENT AND THIS IS THE PLACE AGIAN GREAT JOB ON YOUR SITE KMOW MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS GOD BLESS YOU I ALMOST WENT TO SEEK HERE BUT I STOP MYSELF CAUSE I DONT NEED TO GET MYSELF ARRESTED IN THOSE ERAS SHES SUCH A GOOD PERSON WHEN CLEAN BUT IT ONLY LASTED 2MONTHS FOR MY SHE WAS IN JAIL 90 DAYS NOW OUT AND IN 1 MONTH BACK ON THE STREET WOW GOD PLEASE HELP HER AND EVERYONE THAT HAS THIS ADDICTION GOD BLESS EVERYONE LETS BEAT THIS DEVIL
ted sibilia <firstname.lastname@example.org>
westspfld, ma USA - It's all abouts the highz!
teddy p. <email@example.com>
boston, MA USA - How do I deal with the deception?!?
Cincinnati, OH USA - I'm so sorry to hear you stories. I am on this website because my father died from complications due to Hep C in 1999. The autopsy showed methadone present in his blood. It was then shared with my brother and me that my father, my sweet, responsible father, had been living a secret life of heroin abuse. So, from time to time, I try to learn more about what others go through.
Cincinnati, OH USA - I am so sorry to hear of your great loss. I too have a great loss. My son is in a long term facility due to drugs. I pray that some day he will be free of the bars and the urge to ever do drugs agin. Let's continue to hold fast to what we believe in and trust in the Lord who made heave and earth. Prayer is the key,and faith unlocks the door. My son WILL someday be FREE!
There is not a day go by that I don't think about my son, nor a day goes by that I don't think about somebody else child who has been robbed of their freedom, family, jobs and friends.
Stay focus on what God can do.
Diane Jemison <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Munford, AL USA - I am lookin for someone to talk to to help me understand heroin addiction and give me advice about my boyfriend who was an addict for 5-6 years. I need someone to relate to because somedays I feel like I am loosing my mind with the worrying...
Anne Marie <adamandanne>
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Just wanted to add my condolances to you on the loss of your dear daughter. It makes me so sad to read your story. I have a son addicted to alcohol. He is currently in a long term facility. It is a terrible curse whether it be drugs or alcohol. My prayers are with you and your family. Love, Marge
USA - I live in the same area as Erin's Family. Herion has ripped through our community and family. Alcohol and Cocaine run a close second. I pray for all addicitons everyday. The addicts and their family and friends.
Rising Sun, md USA - hi marie agian i want to say thank you for writing back to me it meant so much to me and you did a wonderful thing creating this site and im still WORRIED about mary drop her off at a half 3weeks ago teusday have not heard a thing from her i find my self buying a news paper cause im worried the she might over dose she also like i said wrote me from jail and lead me on to belive she wanted to get back toghter and change but agian when she felt she could not get no where with me her tune change and stop calling me then agian wanted a ride to a halfway house she was so confused i felt it and her response from me at first she gave me a big hug then got cold i wonder if thats mixed feelings or the drugs talking in her letters from jail she said that i have a good heart and soul and i was good to her till things got mixed up of course DRUGS AND ALL THE SYMTOMS LAZY MOODY SLEEPING WHILE IN A FANCY RESTURAUNT WITH ME GAVE ME THE EXCUSE THAT SHE COULD NOT HANDLE MY MOOD SWINGS BUT IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID FOR HER HER LAST STATEMENT TO ME WAS SHE WANTED NO LOVE AFFAIR BUT I STILL DONT BELIVE THAT CAUSE DRUGS ARE IN THE WAY BUT WHO KNOWS MAY BE SHE COULD BE GETTING BETTER THERE BUT I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS AND IF SHE IS THATS GOOD BUT IM STILL AFRAID IVE LOST HER AND I CANT SEEM TO EXCEPT THAT CANT AMAGINE IF SHE DID OVERDOSE HOW I FEEL I WAS TOLD BY DRUG CONSELORS LET HER BE AND GO ON WITH MY LIFE I GO ON WITH MY LIFE BUT I MISS HER SO MUCHI WAS MARRIED 20 YEARS AND LOVE MY WIFE DEARLY BUT MARY GOT SOMETHING IN HER HEART THAT I FEEL SHE CANT LET OUT DOWN DEEP
I FEEL SHE STILL LOVES ME EVEN THOUGHT I THINK NOT I COULD BE ALL WRONG BUT THATS HOW I FEEL COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME FEED BACK ON THIS I LOVE HER SO MUCH GOD BLESS YOU MARIE AND YOUR ALSO IN MY PRAYERS TO AND YES I HAVE TURN THIS OVER TO GOD HES THE POWER THANKS AGAIN
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west springfield, m USA - I just read one of the submits to the site and it was a girl who had a boyfriend addicted to heroin who wanted help for him. That was me a year ago, looking for an answer to hep C and heroin addiction. Shane stayed sober from heroin for a long time when we first started dating (around 6 mos.) he was drunk as all hell. But then we broke up and things changed and then we got back together. He was using on only occasion so then i started. long story short we lost everything material that we owned. Because we liked dope and only because of that. Im trying so hard to get shane to stop or to at the least slow down but he wont, not for anything. So many people have told me that i need to leave him, for myself and to give him a wake up call. If i left him everything would turn around for me, i know that and he knows that. But how do you leave the one you love. Hes not just a boy i fell for. there is a reason we're together, the stars lined up for us. Right now the hard part for me is leaving shane not heroin. How do you leave your future husband, the future father of my children. One day i want to smile at eachother when we know thats the house to buy, the ring, the right RV, the right school for our child. How do you leave that dream? But on the other hand how do you watch him die? god, please let me go first. Right now i sit here with 3 bumps on my body from misses and one vein left. Im watching the love of my life slowly disappear. Right now i need a miracle, Because i refuse to watch him die.
seattle, wa USA - Dear Marie, thank you so much for this website and thank you to all the precious people who have posted here. My 18 yr old son is headed home as I write from Seattle where he relapsed today. He became hooked on heroin when he was 15, as a runaway. We've spent the last 9 days getting him through withdrawals awaiting a bed in a treatment facility. Shane's dad died at the age of 33 of a heroin overdose when Shane was just 8 months old. I visited Duane in the funeral home (thankfully, a more compassionate place than what you, Marie, experienced) and I remember vividly the feel of his cold lifeless arm and how I tried to warm it with my hand... the fear of visiting my son in a similar place lives with me daily. I really don't think he's "hit bottom" yet, and was able to get through the last 9 days with the help of an opiate blocking drug he bought from a friend on the streets. He is an incredibly bright and charming young man who now continually lies, cheats, steals, manipulates, and bullies to get what he wants (needs?). I was encouraged to read from so many addicts here how these postings inspired them to get help. I hope to print this out for my son. And I pray that all of you who are battling this demon will find the faith and the confidence that you can WIN!!!! I would encourage parents of children whose parent/s were lost to a drug overdose to begin educating your children young on the dangers of drug use. I thought since their father was not around during their upbringing that they would not be exposed to that world...I did not know my children would be "predisposed" to drug/alcohol addiction. Shane is addicted to both.
Linda M <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Federal Way, WA USA - Mrs Allen... This week "both" my sons are away in a 30 day detox. They are very young 17 and 19...I thought I would be relieved when they were put away..but I am not. All of us that are writing are looking for "permanant solutions", but we know there are few. Usually the detox and rehabs last 5 to 8 days then they kick you out and say you did your "protocal". I wish they could catch all these drug dealers and put them away for "murder", because that is what they are doing to our families. I know all of these people on heroin had a choice not to try it....but obviously there is no going back. I too agree with the person who wrote about doctors prescribing "Suboxone", that if they get the dose correct there may be that little help to get people to stop the urge from using. I speak to my sons daily as they call collect frequently, and I am happy that they are clearheaded for the time being and pray that they stay that way when they get home. The coping is not easy and I wish the miracle would happen for all of us that are dealing with this horrible demon. Thank you for having this site for us to vent.
USA - I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It always happens to the best of us. I'm 19 years old and have been on heroin for six years going on seven. I just can't kick it, i don't know what to do anymore. I f you can help me in anyway i would be so thankful. Once again i'm so sorry to hear about Erin. Magi
Kittanning, Pa USA - I was in high school at cb east when you came to tell us about erins story. I remember crying and thinkiing it was so sad but the possiblity of it happening to me was slim. At the time i was only 16 and my best friend all through school was addicted to heroin but i just didnt talk to her anymore. Well not long after you came to our school my life turned for the worst. I started getting high and every time i got high i thought of all the pain it had put you through. But for some reason i never had concern for how my parents felt. I dont know what they would do if they lost me to an overdose. I understand all of erins pain. I too would go to philly everyday and put myself in great danger. I eneded up living down there for 2 years. I just recently came home and went to detox. So far i have been clean. But i just wanted to let you know that after hearing your pain at an assembly in high school a day never went by that when i got high i didnt think the pain you felt and it made me think of my parents. But i truly am thankful for you sharing your story with my school. I never would have thought that 3 years downt he road i almosted overdosed too. But really i think your strength to tell erins story helped me to get clean. Thank you so much.
New Hope, pa USA - hi marie
thank you for responding nice to hear from you.
You know my girl friend is now in a halfway house
but with the resaarch ive done on halfway houses
mettings at churches with other addicts is proven a high rate of relaspe because thats all they dicuss DRUGS on the positive side are programs that cost real money and have 80 percent success rate and if you dont they put you back for free when she live with me she was clean 2 months then it aLL STARTED when she went to meetings she relasped she came home that night
crying and looked awfull eyses half shut and drawn thats when i became real smothering cause i tried to help but it made it worse but any how as you read my post she went back to it full time
and got arrested and to my surprize only got 90 days she has a police record as long as my arm
but i seen her good traits clean thats why i love her she dont love me i know this she got to love herself first and even thogh shes living
i feel shes headed for death i dont wish that but
all i think about is her and im hurt knowing she could car less about me but i do know if i had drugs for her she would have come here but no way will that ever happen im a proud dad 3 aduldt kids married and doing well but im determine to find a way to beat this mind altering devil for i feel for everyone who has this addiction devil DRUGS and i wish everyone
well for all addicts if you read this post dont let this devil in your heart GET HELP DONT TALK TO OTHER ADDICTS SEE A PROFESIONAL ITS WORKS OTHER ADDICTS DONT CUT THE CAKE GET ITive dealt with this so i know and seen it with my own eyes
god bless you all
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west springfield, ma USA - thank you for this page and this opportunity...my husband overdosed 3 months ago. He was 52 years old. We have a 6 year old son. when he was a teenager he was addicted to heroine - and teh got clean...I met him in law school 25 years later and fell in love with him and married him...I don't know what made him start using again - after 30 years! I dont know what happened. I am so heartbroken. I went home 3 months ago and found him dead. All his dreams done with Everything over. And our son missing him so much. And me missing him so much. And there's nothing but this unfathomable saddness.
USA - i happened to stumble upon this site thinking of my very good friend and the love of my life who overdosed on heroin in july. i saw a posting from his brother on here and i hope he comes back to read this. matthew talked to me for hours about how proud he was of you guys,saying that when he looked and B he could see in your eyes that you just "know" saying just being in your presence calmed him and made him mellow.and J how suave and handsome you were so proud of your future plans for being a dr. matthew was so ashamed he had left you guys for so long and i am so overwhelmed by sorrow for him and you all i dont even know what to say. i loved him with all my heart and soul. and i still do. i dont think anyone but him will ever understand how much. i grew up with him, almost half of my life was with him. and now he is gone for ever and i feel so empty. i loved you boys too, like my brothers. and i know without a doubt matt is still around us looking out for all of us.and i know deep in my heart no matter how much it hurts to know i will never talk to him again, that he is in a better place, with his father and he is ok. i can stop being scared and worried for him. one of our last conversations was of him talking about dying and being in heaven with his father and him saying to me that he prays to god to see me there and when he does he is never letting me go again. and i believe that.i hope you guys are ok. and your mother too. take care of yourselves and each other. love, kristi
knoxville, tn USA - once agian im here to say sorry about your daughter im here to suppoprt any one that has problems with thier love ones on drugs i to wrote in before about my girl freind which drugs
took her brain and crushed it all thses addicts
thinkk about is drugs NOTHING ELSE THEY HAVE NO FEELINGS THEY HURT YOU LIE TO YOU STEAL CHEAT KILL and and plain just dont care but they will ask for you help with money rides with a acuse they need help half way houses rehabs clinics but that all lies cause if they want they can help themselfs but most wont ive done reasarch so much on this the many conselors i spoke to said i should have been one because the girl i love i do love her but it hurts so much that she could care less im determine to find a way to help all concern with this devil and i pray god will help me acomplish this goal never have i use drugs and never will and i know by my faith that this devil will pershis cause the lord promise but when please god soon pu this mind altering drug to hell and keep it there let the devil use it die overdose choke vomit and tremble
any one if you would like to email with any ideas
or if i can help ill do my best for all concern god bless
ted sibilia <firstname.lastname@example.org>
west springfield, ma USA - Marie, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you are willing to share the story of Erin's struggle. I too am a heroin addict, struggling to stay clean. Erin's story has really opened my eyes and made me realize what I have to do. I'm glad to have read the story, but I am truly sorry about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. God bless, Chyla
Fulton, IL USA - I am very sorry about your daughter. My brother Beau overdosed on heroin 3 years ago this Wednesday. He was 19. My parents took the same approach as you did, Beau went through many different rehab programs. He was on his way to jail too, he and a friend had robbed some people for drug money but Beau got out of it..he died before the sentencing. He had been in rehab for over 6 months before he messed up. He and some other patient had skipped work and drove into Pittsburgh, but Beau claimed they didn't do anything. Back at home we tried to keep him on the right track but he began hanging out with old friends and things went down hill from there. Our family is a lot like yours too, normal. My parents are still happily married and have been for over 30 years. I have two other older brothers who both have graduated from esteemed colleges and have successful careers. I consider myself normal also, as normal as a 17 year old can get who has gone through what I have. I understand that addiction can happen to anyone and they can't be helped unless they want the help themself. I admire you for posting this website and informing others about the dangers of addiction, it takes a lot of courage to relive you worst nightmare on screen. I'll be thinking a lot of you and your family as we go through this 3 year anniversary..thank you.
Greenville , PA USA - Dear Mrs. Allen,
I will pray for the pain in your heart of the loss of your daugther,I hope you have the time to e-mail me back as I will truley pray for you all the days of my life. I have a son and I am so proud of him he has gone through a very tough time but I thank-God he has my strong being and the guidence of God and a lot of good people in his life.
Three years a go my husband killed himself not because of drugs but he was in a lot of cronic pain,my son,well our son went to help search for him and he found him,he could of turned to drugs but he turned to God,me his Little league Coach and his friends and girlfriend. He is fine now that he findally got it out and told me how he found him.
I am so lucky but I feel so bad for you and your family it is so sad and I don't think the medcial people think as bad as you think ,they do have a heart and they do feel your pain.When I lost my husband everyone was so good to us,.
Please e-mail and let me know how you are doing I don't know why but God has always made me reach out my hand to another Mother I feel your pain I really do
God Bless you and please e-mail me back
Love and God Bless You and May God ease your painfull heart. I will now worry how you are for the rest of my life
Tinker German Tinker German <email@example.com>
Stroudsburg, Pa USA - IM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER AND ALL THESE SAD STORYS I HAVE A GIRL FREIND SO CALLED THAT HAS A HISTORY OF HERION SINCE A TEEN AGER IN AND OUT OF JAIL REHABS METHADONE CLINICS AND HALF WAY HOUSES SHES 45 YEARS OLD SHE JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL AND BEFORE THAT CONTACTED ME ALL COLLECT CALLS FROM JAIL 200 DOLLARS SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO CHANGE HER LIFE SO I PUT 300 DOLLARS IN HER COMESARY AT JAIL THEN BANG SHE STOP CALLING ME FOR 2 WEEKS THEN BANG CALL ME FOR A RIDE TO A HALF WAY HOUSELIKE A FOOL I DID SHE LOOK LIKE HELL EVEN AFTER JAIL WITH THIER PROGRAMS MEETINGS AND CHURCH WITH ROSARY BEADS AROUND HER NECK HER OWN MOTHER SAID LIKE IVE SEEN ON TRHIS WEB SITE SHE WILL FIND HER DEAD SOME DAY I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM ADDICTS OR NON ADDICTS MAYBE OR JUST MAYBE IF I PEINTED THIS PAGE AND SENT IT TO HER SHE MIGHT SEE THE LIGHT BUT I ALSO KNOW IVE HAVE SHOW HER MANY THINGS ABOUT MY RESEARCH ON DRUGS BUT SHE WAS VERY COLD I FEEL THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE FOR HER TO SEE THE LIGHT THERS NOTHING LIKE LOVE CARING SHARING AND A GOOD HOME WHICH I HAVE BUT THAT DAM HERION IS WORST THAT CANCER EVEN WORST THAT ANY WAR WE FOUGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY THE SAD PART IS WE WILL NEVER STOP THIS DEVIL ONLY FOR SOME NOT ALL I MY SELF AM A BIBLE INSTUCTOR AND GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEM SELFS THE ANSWER TO DRUGS FOR ANY ADDICT IS TRO FINALLY COME TO TERMS WITH THIS DEVIL AND SAY NO ITS HARD FOR THEM CAUSE IT CAPTURES THE BRAIN TO SAY YES AND LIE STEAL CHEAT
KILL AND ARE BIG TAKERS AND EVEN LOVE THEM SELFS
AND ADDICTS HAVE NO DIGNITY THEY SELL THIER BODYS
SOULS TO THAT DEVIL I PRAY FOR ALL OF US AND GOD HEARS OUR PRAYER CUASE MALSO MY GIRL FRIEND WHEN I FIRST MET HER SHE WAS CLEAN AND SHE HAS SO MUCH
TO OFFER BUT DRUGS TAKES THAT OVER I WOULS LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANY WHO WOULD LIKE TO EMAIL ME MAYBE
THIERS STILL SOME HOPE FOR SOME BUT A PRAY FOR ALL THIS STOPS FOR GOOD GOD BLESS YOU ALL
ted sibilia <firstname.lastname@example.org>
west springfield, ma USA - I just finished reading Erin's story and I was crying by the time I was halfway through. I was in the same situation as her just a few years ago. I overdosed a few times, but somehow always pulled through. I lived in Lewistown Pennsylvania for most of my life. I starting drinking, using lsd and prescription narcotics at the age of 14 and became very addicted. By the time I was 15 or maybe even before, I was using cocaine and heroin. I started out just snorting it. I remember telling myself that I would never stick a needle in my arm. Before you even knew it, there I was shooting up constantly. I starting stealing from my family and best friends, just so I could get a quick fix. My weight went down to about 95 pounds. My aunt suspected something and decided to take me to the hospital to get some blood work done one night. My boyfriend who was also a heavy user decided to come along. They found heroin and benzo's in my system and decided that I needed to go to rehab. I was only 17 at the time, so I had no choice about where they put me. They were unable to get a bed for me that night, so they let me go home to pack for the next day. As soon as we were out of the hospital, my boyfriend and me took off and hid as my family circled around searching for me. I waited until we knew the coast was clear. We broke into someones house, stole the car keys, some money, and a bottle of percocets to get us through. It was now about 3am and we headed to philly. We got there first thing in the morning and copped some dope right away. I remember pulling over right by a dope cornerand shooting up, which is something you just dont do. We both passed out until the evening. Everyone on the corner thought that we were dead. We took off, not knowing where to go in a blizzard. We got into an accident and abandoned the car. We stayed in philly for a while. I called home one day and asked if they would have me back. They agreed and we were both on the next bus home. Two days later my aunt turned me into the cops for the car theft. I sat in a juvinile detention center and was eventually moved to the jail when I turned 18. My boyfriend hid out in Miami for about 6 months before being found and placed in jail as well. After serving my 2 year sentence, things only got worse. I used more and more. I was with a different boyfriend at this time and we began going to philly every day copping dope and bringing it home to sell and use. We were pulled over in Lancaster on the way home one night and he was placed in prison. They let me go because he had told them that it was all his. I knew then that things were bad, but they were about to get worse. I stayed from placde to place because I couldnt afford a place of my own. I was using constantly now and I did things that I dont even remember. To this day I still cannot remember. I checked myself into rehab. I left after 2 days and called my mother who lived in New Jersey. She came and picked me up. I never went back to Lewistown after that. It took a long time to recover and a lot of prescriptions. I can now say that Ive been clean for about 3 years and now working on wall street. I still think about using from time to time. I guess that never really goes away. I still have to live with knowing that I will probably have hepatitis C for the rest of my life. Im very thankful that I still have that though. Ive been given a second chance. To all of those still struggling-I hope all of you are able to overcome this awful addiction. Im so sorry about Erin.
Jessica Smith <email@example.com>
NJ USA - hello ive read your post and im so sorry what happened and all thse storys of sadness must stop for i have a girl friend who just got out of jail for use of drugs and half of her life she had done drugs we broke up 9 months ago because of this but she contacted me she wanted help but she lyed then had no where to turn for a ride to a half way house and she was out there in left field still clean but she wanted a drink within that hour of realease from jail ive done a lot of research on drugs and i surely dont use them number 1 mettings halfway houses all have addicts and they dicuss there storys that gives them a thought of using agian and even deal drugs
in thses programs its a fact i have spoken to many conselors and they say the best way is to go
to a program that gaurentess 85 percent sucsess by that i mean programs that you live in not a half way house setting but you can not leave at all for 6 months to a year but the addict must really what this or it will continue addicts can not love untill they love themselfs they will lie cheat hurt you and it does not even faze them
all they think about is therr needs and how to optain them for drugs reasearch fact 85 percent off addicts who enter half way houses will relape
ive been told and seen it on the web jail drug programs are a fal;se way to cause they still talk about storys among them selfs which is bad i would love to help to stop this mind altering devil right in it tracks lets pull toghter and beat this devil god bless you all
ted sibilia <firstname.lastname@example.org>
west spfld, ma USA - I'm truly sorry for the pain you are going through I've been addicted to opaites for 3 years now and went on suboxone about 2 months ago the first visit with the Doctor was a not good at all I had been on 135 mg of methadone for a year and a half the first visit the they only gave me 5 mg of Suboxone it did not work then I went to the web site that tells the doctor how to administer the suboxone it says 8 to 16 mg or until you truly feel ok I was sick called the doctor and told to come back in the morning I was to sick to go and I did not want to take anymore because he was so scared to give me more in the office needless to say I used the next afternoon went on the web site and found the correct way to take it and now I have 3 Suboxone left and called the doctor just to see If I could get Colodine to help ease the last little bit of pain chest hurts to I'm so tired of this and just want to be free I hope they help me, so I can help others get out of this hell I just had a friend die from overdose and he was only out of the detox where they put you under 2 months no matter how you get hooked the pain of comming off I would not put on my worst enemy They do need to make Suboxone easy to get I can take 1, 2.5 mg a day and be fine when it took 135 mg of methadone and I do not feel like zombie I know what your daughter has gone through and I'm truly sorry " God Bless Her"
Chris Hayden <chrishayden@russwhitney>
Caoe Coral, FL USA - dear mrs allen i have read your story and others also and it really caught my eye im not and addict but my girl freind is shes bieng doing drugs half of her life my story is and freind of mine introduce her to me he ia an addict but not using but he did use and i know nothing of it he told me he had a women staying with her and he told her she had to leave knowing she had a drug problem so we met and we hit it off well until i found out she was addict then just went down hill after that we broke up 9 months later she writes me from jail wanting to get back with me agian i found out she was using me for my contacts to get her out of jail that fail she stop calling me for 2 weeks then called me for a ride to a halfway house i took her there but i was choked by the way she looked and acted towards me and when i drop her off she said to me dont make a big deal out of it im si hurt for i know an addict cant love till they love them selfs so i know she does not love me but i still love here i hate drugs for what is does to the mind and soul i go to a therapist for stress and this has buildt it to a high level all my freinds
say why are you doing this to your self i have a heart and a big one i saw her true side and thats why i love her but drugs took it over i cant get her out of my mine why is there something there i cant see it what should i do thank you so much god bless you
ted sibilia <email@example.com>
west spfld, ma USA - Mrs Allen I am sorry for your loss, I have faced a close call with the same drug although it was a completely different scenario. Similarly to my experience, your story displays no knowledge into the logic of heroin abuse, nor the mind-set of the victim - do you believe (like myself) that the problems of harmful drugs will never be solved until people have a good understanding? My advice to those going through a similar predicament is to understand the cause and effects rather than memorise the symptons and negative effects on the poster in the doctors waiting room.
UK - I just came across your site while looking how to do my first fix of chiva. I have been addicted to narcotics for years and lately it's been harder and harder to come by. I have just about had it with being ill from w/d's.
I have always had it in the back of my mind to try heroin but was a bit fearful and wanted to keep the integrity to have never crossed that line. But today, I went and got some. matters not but to tell you a bit about me, I'm a mother of 5, grand ma of 1 and 2 on the way. I'm 36 years old and going through a divorce. Times is hard and lonely. I began writing to a prisoner and he said he could make me some money. All I had to do was get some "stuff" in to him in. So this is how I came about coming into posession of the drug today. Tonight is just another night of not having anything (my narcs) so I kept contemplating messin' with the "stuff" but after reaidng Erins story. I'm very sorry for your loss. I continued with reading the posts and am deeply moved and pursuaded to steer clear of trying heroin. thank you for saving me from crossing that line to try what I just KNOW I'd get addicted to. Thank you for saving me from being enslaved to that demon.
San Francisco, Ca USA - I'm so sorry. I just happened to come across your site, and I know it took a lot of courage to put this story out, but worth it. I'm sorry for your family and I'm sorry for Erin. I've struggled with heroin for 8 years with heroin, and the only thing that has saved me is Suboxone treatment. I want you to know that Erin was not at all a bad person (I'm sure you already knew that). She was a very sick person who was suffering. May your family find peace and comfort. --Marcos
Seattle, WA USA - Thank you for sharing your story. I am a Mom who already has lost one child, a baby girl 8 years ago to meningitis. I believe my 20 year old son is using and am terrified at the thought of losing him too, to drugs. I am an experienced RN, but I can't help him. You did everything you could to save your daughter's life. If love was the cure, she would no doubt still be here. I've heard all sorts of platitudes from well meaning people, and I'm sure you have too. God bless and heal you and your family. May God help all those in need of Him -if anyone who reads this is using, please get help so you don't break your Mother's heart!
May your sweet Erin rest in peace!
Framingham, MA USA - Dear Marie,
I am an 18 year old girl from Adelaide, Australia but i just want to thank you for sharing this story. My brother overdosed last year on Methanphetimine and should have died however he survived but now is schizophenic quite severely and i just wanted to say thanks for making people aware of the choices they make with drugs and just how dangerous they are.If this website makes one more person think twice about what they are doing to themself it is a bessing so thankyou. Love Pru
Pru Hicks <firstname.lastname@example.org>
adelaide, SA Australia - Mrs. Allen I would just like to let you know that i appreaciate the fact that you are telling Erin's story. Just recently you came and spoke to my students at Delaware Tech, and i want to let you know you enlighten me with the whole issue of Heroin. I am one person that does not know much about dealing with drug addicts, but your story showed me how real it can be. Once again i just wanted to say thank you and God Bless.
Sherri Thomas <Sreneethom@yahoo.com>
Wilmington, de USA - I am so sorry for everyone's loses due to heroin & all these drugs. My boyfriend's close friend died last year from a heroin overdose. He had just come back from fighing in Korea he was in the military but had injured his knee. The military was the only way he stayed clean. He was clean for a few years & engaged & seemed happy. Then as soon as he came back home on medical leave he got high & died of an overdose. He got high with a dealer & this guy just left him there to die alone & took him money. Such a sad story.
USA - Last Sept. my cousin Shane died from drug abuse,He was living with a woman who had given birth to 4 babies the last one was his and he was taken at 2 months and placed into foster care. And after 2 months she was pregnate angain. His son was 4 months old when he went in to the bathroom and hung himself, Shane died a horrable death he tore and riped his face apart, a corneor said its like if your arm goes to sleep and you dont feel the pain only the burning tingling, a horror. my secound cousin is still in the foster care. his moms second temp. legal custody was granted to her she dose have her rights as well. she did give birth to her 5 baby in another state they took it from her at birth she was born testing postive to drugs. this state is looking for permanatacy for her. I will have to take classes to learn how to raise a baby of drug abuse. which i hope to get custody of both of Shanes babys. and that some how these precious little babys will be able to grow up to be healthy happy adults. in my family the babies sadly are the greatest victems.
USA - I would like to send my condolences to you and your husband for what has happened. Your story opens the eyes to those who read it. My fiancee battled a two year addiction to heroin and has overcome it. It took him moving to a different part of the country, and time in prison to quit but he has done it. He has been clean since Dec. of 2001. It is a most beautiful thing that you can take a tragic event in your life, and change the lives of other and turn it in to something positive for the world. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Sara K. <Stanggurlon20z@aol.com>
Charlotte, NC USA - For all those reading these posts the help is there if you want it. For the addicts there is NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and CA (Cocaine Anonymous). For the family and freiends of addicts there is help too. Al-Anon, Nar-anon and Coc-anon. These are all 12 step programs and should be listed in your local phone book or you can check with there websites and find meetings in your area. My hubby was an addict and has gone through this program and is now clean for over 9 months. I am in my respective programs and I get the love and support that I so desperately need. These programs work, BUT you have to want to recover. Noo one can change you, you can only change yourself.
God Bless and love to all on this long journey.
NJ USA - Mrs Allen:
How did you cope with this when Erin was going through all of this...??? Have you learned what and whatnot to do??? Did you have lot's of support from your friends and family?? The coping is one of the hardest things...I haven't seen my 19 year old son for a couple days now..I don't dare call the police or hospitals..People around me that know of my families situation avoid us now...This website seems to be my only outlet. I know you probably don't know the answers...but thanks for having this site so I can vent. Deana
MA USA - Ms. Allen...I was saddened by the story of your daughter Erin's death. Heroin is a very insidious drug....when you are a junkie it's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning...in fact, it becomes your sole obssession....the ritual of scoring, fixing, cooking and shooting. I started smoking heroin when I was 30...and I loved it...it was better than sex. Then, eventually, I was fixing it... I would fix before work and then fix right after work (ironically, I was a social worker). I kept it a secret from my wife...I was spending $100. a day...I just got cash advances on my credit cards. Then, one day, I did a speedball(mixture of heroin and cocaine) and I overdosed. I was on the floor of a hotel room in a prayer position with my legs tucked under me for 24 hours....luckily hotel staff found me... they pumped Narcon into me (an anti-opiate) and it left burns/scars on my arms...on the way to the hospital my heart stopped...my legs were so swollen they were thinking that they might have to amputate them from the knees down....but they saved them with intensive surgery. My kidneys shut down and I was on dialysis for 3 weeks. I had amnesia...but have foggy memories of my concerned family members (my parents flew all the way from Toronto...my sister flew all the way from England. I never knew how much they loved me and how close I came to dying. It destroyed my marriage...but my ex and I are still friends...we have 2 great kids. I walk with leg braces...I can't move my toes and have very little sensation my feet. I am on long-term disability because I had brain damage and have a very poor memory. I am on the methadone program and I am a firm believer in it. Take it from me...the West Coast of Canada has tons of heroin and cocaine...it's like all the addicts from the rest of the country move here because it's so liberal and hippy/dippy. Anyway, thnaks for your story...keep up the good work. John.
john percy <email@example.com>
Victoria, BC Canada - I JUST WATCHED A&E WHICH SHOWED ERINS BRAVE MOM..MARIE...IRONICALY MY SON JUST LEFT THE HOUSE TO PUT HIMSELF, ONCE AGAIN INTO DETOX....I WISH THERE WAS GOVERNMENT FUNDING FOR TREATMENT THAT WORKS!! I WISH AND HOPE FOR EVERYONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH THIS HURTFUL DISEASE....ERINS STORY IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH...I DO THINK THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN...FOR ME AND MY FAMILY...AND ALL OF YOURS :)
MA USA - This comment is to "in need of help". I have a very similar situation, but we found help in the last place we thaught possible, the most expensive treatment center in our area. When we called the person answering the phone said that the cost would be $17,000 for a 28day, which is way out of my reach. But, my husband called back for himself and spoke with an intake counselor. After hearing his story, and he went into very elaborate detail, they excepted him with only $50 down and lowered the rate for his stay down to $4500. Huge discount. If I were anyone looking for treatment, I would call the most expensive, treatment center. Their pockets are very deep and are truly there to help the patient with their addiction, no matter what you are able to pay, or not for that matter. Good luck!
Ft. Myers, FL USA - We all have to fight for drug companies to let physicians prescribe opiate blockers (suboxone) or any other helpful drug to these addicts. These drug companies are quick to prescribe oxycontin...and make billions off them, but they limit who and who cannot prescribe other helpful drugs...the oxycontin, or percocet and vicodin lead to heroin..when the junkies can't afford them anymore...trust me...our family has gone through hell...and are still there...because of this horrible....horrible addiction...I also read about another drug called "IBOGAINE" that is very helpful with heroin addiction..but it is not available in the U.S.?? We need to rally and get someone to try harder...I mean look....detox and rehab are only temporary solutions....How can we stand to see our children or husbands or anyone kill themselves anymore...I hope some professionals read these stories and can start some kind of petition to help us all. GOD BLESS
Mother of an addict
MA USA - A few weeks ago my brother Matthew Hamilton, after about 5 years of not seeing him, comes back home to Tennessee from San Diego, CA. Matt has had a history of many different types of drug use, and has tryed several times to quit them, but failed. But this time he seemed more serious and determined to quit. He was even showing signs that he was finding God and He means hope and a purpose of life to a lot of people. I thought that he was finally getting his life on track by getting a job, and joining a halfway house to live in, but then he left the halfway house and went back to California. He called a few days later and appologized for leaving so suddenly and said he'd be back soon. He called the other night and talked to my mom and said he'd back back, again. Then just today my mom tells me that they have found Matt on a park bench in San Diego over dosed on heroine, dead. And it just kind of hit me all at once and I was sad and shocked... I believe my brother stayed gone all these years, then finally came back to make things right between his family and I and to kind of try just one last time to get better, but he left back to San Diego where I believe he killed himself by purposely overdosing on heroine....
William Hamilton <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Knoxville, TN USA - A few weeks ago my brother Matthew Hamilton, after about 5 years of not seeing him, comes back home to Tennessee from San Diego, CA. Matt has had a history of many different types of drug use, and has tryed several times to quit them, but failed. But this time he seemed more serious and determined to quit. He was even showing signs that he was finding God and He means hope and a purpose of life to a lot of people. I thought that he was finally getting his life on track by getting a job, and joining a halfway house to live in, but then he left the halfway house and went back to California. He called a few days later and appologized for leaving so suddenly and said he'd be back soon. He called the other night and talked to my mom and said he'd back back, again. Then just today my mom tells me that they have found Matt on a park bench in San Diego over dosed on heroine, dead. And it just kind of hit me all at once and I was sad and shocked... I believe my brother stayed gone all these years, then finally came back to make things right between his family and I and to kind of try just one last time to get better, but he left back to San Diego where I believe he killed himself by purposely overdosing on heroine....
William Hamilton <email@example.com>
Knoxville, TN USA - I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND ALL THE PAIN YOU HAVE WENT THROUGH AND ARE STILL GOING THROUGH. MY BOYFRIEND AND FATHER OF MY SON IS A HEROIN ADDICT THAT USES NEEDLES AND HE ALSO SMOKES CRACK AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE. HE HAS BEEN IN AND OUT OF REHABS AND NOW HE IS IN JAIL. HE KEEPS BEGGING FOR ME AND HIS FAMILY TO BAIL HIM OUT BUT WE WON'T BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE THIS IS HIS LAST CHANCE TO STAY ALIVE. I WISH THIS NEVER HAPPENED AND I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO BECAUSE I LOVE HIM MORE THAN WORDS COULD SAY AND OUR SON NEEDS HIS FATHER, BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS. IT BREAKS MY HEART AND KILLS ME INSIDE THAT WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AND I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS TOO. I'M SO SORRY ABOUT ERIN. MY SYMPATHY TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
jessica campbell <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Warren, Mi USA - Deana, Please never give up hope.
Marie Allen (Erin's mom)
USA - ONCE AGAIN I AM TRULY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS...IF ANYONE OUT THERE HAS A "SUCCESS" STORY...IT WOULD BE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR...READING ALL THESE STORIES TELLS ME THE STATISTICS ARE NOT GOOD AND THAT MY SONS DON'T HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE???
brockton, ma USA - I, too, have a child that is a heroin addict. he is 21 and has been in and out of rehab. people look down om him becuase of his habit. My sympathy is with you because I know in my heart if he doesn't stop, he, too, will die. Heroin robs you of your life, your family,your friends, and your dignity. It;s the devil in disguise. Only the addict can help themselves. We have tried but unsuccessfully. He has to want to do it. We are financially ruined and emotionally drained. Tearssss are a part of our everyday life. JHoy is gone, pai is abundant. Please pray for ALl addicts. they chose the drug the first time, after that, they became powerless.
sCRANTON, pa USA - I was sitting here tonight, looking for a place that could help me cope with my husbands addiction, and I stumbled upon this web site. As far as I know my husband has been a victom of heroin for a little over 2 years. In these past years he has been in and out of 7 different detox centers here in FL. About 8 months ago he began methadone treatment, and stayed clean up until a month ago, when our insurance decided that they would no longer cover his treatment and the clinic turned himaway for non-payment. I thaught his struggle was finally over , when he began methadone he was taking 100mg a day and in 8mo. had brought himself down to 21mg. He convinced me that he was at a low enough level to detox from it and be clean. He enrolled himself into a detox center and stayed for 7 days. After 7 days he was released and within a week I began to notice money missing out of the bank. I confronted him about it and he told me that he didn't know where the money went. A couple days ago he came to me and confessed to taking the monies and that he was once again addicted to heroin. I dropped him off yesterday at yet another detox clinic. I don't know what to do? Please help? We have 2 small children and I am to the point that I can't take it anymore. He has tried many times to attend a 28 day program, but all of the centers tell him detox is the first step. After he goes through their detox programs, the center then tell him they don't have any room for him in their 28 day. These centers are supposed to be their to help him, but they are only taking our money and sending him away. I have been reading this site for an hour now and I am affraid that I will be the next to tell my story of a loss. We have asked the state, they tell us that they only help if he is convicted of a crime! We have asked "non-profit" organizations and they say only if we have the money! I have asked our insurance and they say we would help if it was alchohol! I have run out of money, I am running out of strength and patience, and most of all I am running out of hope. Before this I have never been confronted with drugs of any type. I ask again for some help, for me. I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO HELP HIM!
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for giving us a place to let out what is being kept inside and for giving us a place where the people listening don't judge.
in need of help
Ft. Myers, FL USA - God Bless Erin.
Andy (aka - Adrian Pervin from Durham)
Durham, UK - I don't even know how I stumbled on to this site but I have been reading for hours. I have seen lives destroyed by heroin and try to learn as much as I can about it. I have an 18 yr old daughter who has friends that are on it, I wonder if she has tried it. I have never been more scared of a drug in my life. Erin's story broke my heart and I think what you are doing is great. Look at all the people you have touched and as you see you are not alone, although at times I'm sure you feel like you are. I have a friend in jail who has 3 kids growing up w/out her because of heroin.I know it will eventually kill her. She robbed everyone who cared about her and even sold herself. I can't wait to give my good friend your site. Her son is battling this addiction and it seems hopeless.I have watched her family fall apart. Well I am going to keep reading until I cant anymore.Again, I am sorry for your loss and I think you are an inspiration to all parent who have lost children to drugs. I would like to know when and where you speak so I can bring my daughter. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. BOBBIE
Carneys Point, NJ USA - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I was just informed by a high school friend that my high school boyfriend and five of his friends all OD'd on heroin. I just feel sick knowing how he died, and for sure, every "faceless junkie" does have a story.
CA USA - Well it's been 20 mths. since my beautiful 20 year old son, Hunter, died of heroin overdose. I put him in jail to detox him, not understanding the extreme mental depression that lack of the drug causes. When he came out, he overdosed. I saw him on the beach, peacefully sleeping, not realizing that he was dying. He has left so many shattered lives behind. We love and miss him terribly. Some days, I just want to lay down where he died, and go....a mom
USA - I can't say, I hope you read this letter I wish I could talk with you. I need to talk to people who knew Erin. Please. Marie Erin's mom
Wilm, De USA - I look back on how my life used to be, I start to cry at what I see, Robbing and stealing just to get by, Remembering it all i start to sigh, Used to wake up hurting every day, Wondering how we were gonna pay, We're getting dope sick we better hurry, steal the tools from that truck and scurry! Drove to the pawn shop and got all our dough, raced to Riverside as fast as the car could go, drove thru the horseshoe and copped all our dope, without it I didn't think I could cope, Hurried down rt. 13 to get our spot, all we could think about was that one shot, Ripped open the bag and poured it all out, I wondered if this was what my life was all about, Rolled up the dollar sniffed the dope up my nose, I was feeling it then I started to doze, A few minutes later the rush was gone, I wasn't as happy as when I first begun, I sat there quietly and started to cry, I didn't know what to do I wanted to die. Remembering it all I wish i had known, of God's forgiveness and the love He's shown, I'm free of the drugs now I want to sing, And tell others of the new life He brings, I'm no longer imprisoned my mind is free, Every day I'm thankful that God saved me.
can't say <wrote this when i was clean>
Wilmington, DE USA - I'm a heroin addict and I knew Erin. I never wrote in this before because I didn't want to come to terms with everything. I used to take Erin up to the Badlands in Philly almost every day along with our friend Teddy. Erin was a sweet person and a good friend. I'm sitting here not knowing exactly what to say. I guess I'm mad at myself. Even though I didn't kill Erin, I still drove her up to Philly and contributed to her downward spiral. I just finished the Crest program this past March and I'm back to using. After everything that happened with Erin and some of my other friends, I don't know why that hasn't detered me from using. I'm kinda at a crossroads here and I'm not sure which way to go. I love you Erin. You were like a sister to me and I'll never forget you! *MUAH*
I can't say
Wilmington, DE USA - hi
ur site is kool keep it up
me i dey here from lagos REMY MUGU <email@example.com>
njaba, imo nigeria - I too am sorry for your loss Mrs. Allen. My own daughter passed away from a heroin overdose May 30. She 24 yrs. old and no stranger to the recreational drug scene. She had a polyaddiction and was presently on probation. It was only the second time she had done heroin. The friends with her did not seek medical care for fear of legal action. I talked to the detective that was on the scene and he said if it's a drug overdose they don't pursue it, only if it's a murder. That's the way it is here in Houston. I wish more people knew that in many cases, legal action is not for the reason that folks would not seek medical care in the event of overdoses. Sometimes I miss my daughter so much my heart feels as though it is breaking. I've done a lot of research since then, and the repeating theme seems to be that a person's decision to try heroin for the first time will change their life forever. I get the idea that many people don't realize this. I know my daughter didn't mean to overdose when she did. She snorted a lot of heroin, and took ecstacy. Her death affected at least three people (also drug users) in a way that they will never forget. Perhaps this was the purpose in my daughter's death. And with her purpose fulfilled, God called herhome.
houston, TX USA - I am so sorry for your tragic loss. As a mother, I could not begin to imagine the pain that you feel. I hope and pray that God will give you the strength and peace that only He can...
chas, wv USA - Here is a poem for anyone trying to understand herion.
There was a girl who was young and confused,
this girl did nothing but use and abuse,
She'd worry her family going on a binge,
thinking her only true friend was her syringe,
Nothing could make her feel right,
she'd wished she'd die every night,
As she got older the problems got worse,
with dealers and cops, she must of been cursed,
Her family helped her no matter what she did,
but she know they regret this kid,
It all becam to much for her,
she decided suicide would be best for sure.
You know how it feels to hit rock bottom?
it doesn't care who you are or where your from,
it gets deep inside and takes over your mind,
No matter what you do you still feel so far behind,
You watch other people living their lives,
so happy, having control, feeling alive.
You just wonder why me? how can i do this to my family? why doesnt god love me?
Theres a million and one things you regret,
stealin, lying, making horrible threats,
always thinking about how far your in debt,
It's hard to picture life without it,
Your trapped in a bottom less pit,
fallen deeper and deeper in your own sorrow,
only caring about that next hit.
Which you'll do just about anything to get.
It's scary how it completly changes you,
but if you don't realize it, what can you do?
you won't listen to what anyone has to say,
its either die, go to jail, or get helo today!
USA - I am very sorry to read about your Erin. I've been trying to stay off herion for two years now. Right now I am 20 and have like 50 days clean. The only reason I got clean was because of my family. I got an infection in my spin and hip from bacteria on a needle. Luckily my brothers brout me to the hospital, I never would have gone one my own. It hurt so bad, but I didn't care about myself enough to care what happened to me. They had to trick me and carry me into the hospital. It was so bad I could have died. I had to spend 42 days in the hospitl. But thats what it took for me to realize how much I had changed and how quick. They tried talking to me and threating me but I didn't care about anything but not being sick. My dad will and does do anything and everything for me to try and help me. I love him so much and we were always so close. I didn't even realize how much we drifted apart. But because of them I realize how much I hurt everybody and how much money I've caused my parents with mad fines and stealing and lawyers and cars, everything. Please know i am sure Erin would never want to hurt you and probaly didn't always know what to do. It's very scary knowing a drug has control over you and it consumes your whole life. You start working for the drug. If anyone does not know how to help someone who needs I can say try asking them to do it for someone they truly love, it takes a long time for them to start caring about themselves again, well for the drug to let them. People say the drug does not let you love anything but it, but that wasnt true for me, I loved it the most, never felt guilty unless I was sick, but the point is keep trying. It is very hard to get started. they will hopefully thank you for it, once they get back in their own mind. And for anyone who is strugglin and wants to stop. Put yourself into a detox, the state will pay for it, and once you make that first step, they will see you want to stop, and not look down on you, but help you. Or it will continue to get worse. If you want plan it out, do it when you are feeling ok about yourself, get there before you start feeling like you cant or dont want to do it.And if you think nobody cares about you anymore because of everything you've done, its not true. I do. And once you start spending time with people who are clean you'll realize. Of course it will be hard and first, but it have to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back up. And fuck the people who just don't understand or dont want to or are just hipacrits, everybody fucks up, but at least trying wil make you feel sooo much better, i never thought i could be happy, but I'm gettin there. And to the Allen's keep doing what your doing, Erin sounds like she was very strong, but it made her weak, I'm sure she feels better herself where shes at. Just try to think, even if it hurts you inside, would you rather see her here strugging, hurting so bad, or know she is okay now?
shamong, nj USA - This website is a blessing to people who are in need of someone to share their feelings with. Sometimes it's like you want to tell the world how you feel, but there's no outlet. Although Erin has passed, she's given more than she'd have ever known through this website. My little sister passed on 3 years ago next month, from a heroin addiction. I loved that girl like she was my daughter. You know that love where it doesn't matter what they do, you just love them regardless. But she's gone now. And it still hurts so bad. Three years later. My daughter was born three days before she died. And she wanted to meet her so bad. So I was left with a baby who was days old and a dead sister. What a stressful situation. Someday I might understand why God took her from us. But I don't think it'll happen any time soon. I think that life just sucks and no matter what you do you'll never be happy. Props to Erin Allen's family for everything.
Penn Hills, PA USA - We (our family) have also suffered with a downward spiraling dual diagnosis drug problem in a family member for years. Our son is presently incacerated, so we are resting, because we know the next step down may be death. We all love him dearly, and he has fought his dual addictions for the past 20 years. He fought his way back so many times, only to fall further down the next time. We know time is running out for him, and we have no money or strength left to battle with him. We know we will feel like you must now, when that time does finally run out. God Bless you all and bring you comfort, and peace.
FL USA - Erin keep watching over us all please.
DE USA - June 23rd 1997 Erin Allen age 21 was murdered. Her killer is still out there waiting to take his next victim. Will it be you?
USA - Your stories have touched my heart. I too have lost several family members to this addiction, including my first husband (he left me with a 3 and 13 yr old children). Ironically I am an addiction counsellor and was during my husband's use. I know the pain of watching someone you love distroy themselves with drugs and alcohol. My brother also passed away 1 1/2 yrs ago. We were told it was an accidental overdose, he's been on the edge of dying many many times by overdosing. I took great comfort in the comment above that our loved ones are now helping God do God's work and that your loved ones also bask in freedom because only God knows the pain they suffered while on earth. I often tell my clients that drug and alcohol with rob you of everything including your life. At my place of work we get on an average of 1-2 per month that one of our former clients has gone back out and died. I also get to see and hear the successes of recovery. That is what keeps me in this field. God bless to all of you in your strength and courage.
Elliot Lake, ontario Canada - I check this website daily, as I too, lost my son Dana to heroin 14 months ago. I have a story to tell as well, but cannot right now because I am at work. So sad that this drug is so much stronger than anyone it touches. I still cry every day but not as often. Dana became addicted to painkillers which ended with heroin. He was an addict for 2 years and died one day before his 30th birthday. I ache for what could have been and hate that I have to on without him.
Ms. Allen - I would love to know where you are speaking in the future...want my daughters to hear your message. I live in South Jersey...
My condolences for your loss...we both know the loss of a child is lifes worst heartache. The empty space....the shudder inside will never end.
Would love to speak with you through e-mail..you support me everyday with this website. What an awesome thing for you to do in memory of Erin. It has helped so many, many others.
You are in my prayers...God bless our children in heaven.
merchantville, nj USA - Mrs. Allen I am truly sorry for your loss! It sounds like Erin was a beautiful person. I recently lost my sister to the terrible addiction, she died May 6,2004. My sister also had an intellegant mind 4 years of French, 2 years of Russian and 1 year of German. It seems like the most intellegant people get caught up in the wrong things. I feel that I'm in some knid of surreal world, since my sister's death. We had to have her creamated because the Dr.'s kept her on life support until we could get to Conneticut. It was horrifying seeing my big sister laying there helpless, on her death bed. We couldn't save her we tried and tried. She had only been a junkie for less than a year, we told her Wendy just one bad shot and you could die. I wish that there was something that I could do. Some way that I can help, but I have to realize that people who are "addicts" have to help themselves. The only thing that we can do is offer love and support when or if they want help. I'm leaving tommorow to go to Florida for my sister's memorial service and I know that I have to say goodbye. I have to accept her death. This has been the hardest thing that our family has ever gone through, and I see our lives being dim without her here. I read pages and pages on this website and cried the hole time. I feel for the people who have lost loved ones, addicts and anyone else that has to deal with this drug that just takes over. To all the addicts I'm sure this is easier said than done but "if you really want to get clean there is a way. Set aside all the pain you have caused yourselves, family and anyone else. You guys have enough self worth to live a healthy normal life. e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
Nicole O'Brien <email@example.com>
akron, oh USA - God bless Erin and her family. Erin's story saves lives...it changed mine. cyber i.d's - Andy aka: marshall-muff; Andy aka: marshall-law and Andylope <na>
Belgium - Thank you for speaking to our class last night. I'll never forget your message. Your strength and courage is amazing. I'm so sorry for your loss - your daughter Erin was so beautiful. I also have a daughter named Erin (age 13), and I will be sure she hears your Erin's story. I'm grateful that you are willing to share this with others. You are saving lives and sparing others the pain that you have experienced.
God Bless You,
Wilmington, DE USA - I stopped to see you last night after you talked to our class. Your words were so influentual. I will never forget you or Erin. She was such a beautiful girl. You have continued her beauty well beyond her death, in your words and influence on others. Her legacy to this world, carried out by you, is a very powerful tool in helping to make others aware of the potency of heroin. I, as a future teacher, will be keenly aware of the signs of heroin use. Perhaps Erins' story will be of influence to some of my students. I am in awe of your strength and courage. You told Erin's story will such clarity. You are quite an amazing woman. God bless you, Natalie
Bear, DE USA - I also am so sorry for what happened to your daughter, but for the grace of God there go I. I have been in recovery now for more than 20 years. Heroin was what finally caused me to face the fact that I had a problem. I knew that there was a program that worked because I had been court ordered to AA for 7 months 4 times a week about a year earlier. It had not worked for me because I didn't want it to. Finally I was sufficiently humbled (or humiliated) to go back and stop everything.
I had a brother who OD'ed and died two years ago, and another brother who is an addict right now. All I can do is pray for him because at this point anyway he does not seem to want to stop and I cannot be around him. I believe drugs like this cause 75% of the crime in this country. I hate the stuff myself because of what it did and is still doing to my family, but I believe it should be legalized and available to addicts from Doctor like it is in England. A lot of dead junkies would probably still be alive. I realize that this is a controversial opinion, but I am a realist, not many junkies recover. I was never addicted, I was so scared because I KNEW I was headed down that road, that is why I stopped, I believe I had a choice, stop or die a slow (maybe quick like my brother) painful death. I chose to go back to the program which I felt was beneath me, it saved my life.
Bob Young <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Millbury, Ma. USA - I havn't read the site yet so I can't really make a coment but I have been a heroin addict for nearly 2 years on and off so I really appreciate any one who takes the time to help people like me and who are opened minded to heroin addicts. I have lost nearly all my friends to the drug and get comments thoewn at me all the time so it is nice to see people who do attually care. xxx
manchester, united kingdom - I am sorry to you and your family. I am a 23 year old recovering heroine addict. I have been clean for about 8 months now. I am in my last couple of weeks at a 6 month residential program for women. I remember how much pain I was in before I came in to treatment and GOD willing I will never have to feel that pain again. I pray every night for the sick and suffering addicts who don't know that there is help out there. 12 step programs work. The program was freely given to me when I felt like I didn't deserve it. Again I am so sorry about your daughter.
Debra Clapper <Debclap@yahoo.com>
Lawrence, MA USA - http://www.InKyndallsName.org
Find help from this drug. Find strength in God's peace. Rest assured He is with you always... No matter what.
Erin Znidarsic <email@example.com>
Cranburry, NJ USA - I lost my sister to heroin 9 months ago. My sister, Nikki, is working on a program to help educate 7th and 8th graders about the effects of drugs. She recently had the president of the board of education of our home town contact her about doing a presentation for Junior High schools. Please pray for a positive outcome. God bless Erin. May she rest in peace with the Lord along with all the loved ones we lost to this horrible drug! I will miss you forever, Kyndall. Erin: may you enjoy the afterlife forever and ever... All my love and prayers to Erin's family- Erin Znidarsic Jordaa <firstname.lastname@example.org>
woodbridge, nj USA - I am an independent filmmaker, and my next project is called PRODIGAL. It is about a young teenage girl that, although raised in a loving home, goes down the path of addiction. This path leads her into alcoholism, prostitution, heroin addiction, and eventually a life-changing near-death experience. I spotted this page on page 12 of my browser. That's very sad considering its important message. If anyone has anything to help my research(stories, photos)it would be greatly appreciated. God bless. JOB 42:3 Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge? Therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not.
paul melton focus productions <email@example.com>
Charlotte, nc USA - My condolences to you and your family. My aunt is going through a new found heroine addiction with her 17 year old son. He doesn't want help. He is currently in an outpt, 1/week counseling session. There is nothing more she can legally do. Between her, her husband, and brother-in-law, they take turns watching him at home. I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to suggest to help him. I realize from reading this web page that this is going to be a long, life process. I pray that God gives us all- addicts, families, friends, the strength to get through.
Windber, PA USA - I typically come to this site once a day to read other stories. I think I wrote last Oct. when I stated I had a 23-year-old son who I thought I was going to lose. Jan.15th of this year he was incarcerated, served 3 months of a 6 - 12 month sentence. Those 3 months (being in jail) got him clean, long term, who knows. All I know is reading everyones stories makes me realize this is a very serious problem. In the past I have contacted other parents to make them aware that their children were slowly killing themselves with herion, but no one wanted to listen. For every parent, friend or significant other my prayers are with you....Through my son's 8 year addiction the most valuable thing I have learned is it's okay to tell the user that I love you, but it has to be from a distance, otherwise it will destroy you as well. Another point I would like to get across to everyone out there is "Say What You Mean, But MEAN WHAT YOU SAY". God does have a plan for each and every one of us, what that is I don't know and I know its not always fair, but trust in him..........Pray harder then you have every prayed before. I find myself at night praying for all addicts, even though I don't know them. All I know is the pain I feel as a mother and the pain they must be going through. Pray..............
PA USA - I lost my son to heroin, 2 years this past June 4th. It seems like yesterday. It appears the second year is harder than the first. As you come out of shock, it is the only time you realize that you were IN shock. A whole year of your life is missing.
There is a new treatment out. I research EVERYTHING. It is not legal in the US. Of course not. It would put people and rehabs out of business. The drug is called Ibogaine. You would need to go to Canada. Yes US citizens can be treated with it. The cost? Ready?? fifty dollars. Some people only need to take the ibogaine one time, others need it twice. That's it. If my son were here today, I would already be making arrangements to take him. no doubt about it. I have now met 2 people who went the ibogaine way and are doing great. My girlfriend is now taking her 22 year old aughter there to get off the methadone. Go to your browser and type in Ibogaine. There are many stories that are told about it. If only my son were here today.....if only
toms river, NJ USA - I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved child, and for everyone else that has loss a child to this terrible disease.
I am the mother of a 21 year old son that has been a heroin addict since he was 15. Several years ago I myself became addicted when trying to deal with the pain and helplessness of my sons addition at the same time my father was dying in the hospital. Though I have remained clean for almost 3 years now on the methadone program and am enrolled back in nursing school, my son is getting worse, though it seems sometimes that it couldn't get worse. He has OD'd 5 times that I know of. One time he OD'd at 3am in his bedroom. That night I couldn't sleep and wanted to read the Bible. I wanted to get the Bible companion and couldn't find it. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but kept thinking of that book. I finally went into my sons room at 3am which i never do to find it, and heard him gurgling. I turned on the light and he was blue. The Doctors said if I had gotten there 15 minutes later I would have found him dead. He ended up that time in ICU for 2 weeks with aspiration pnuemonioa and they didn't think he would make it. I thought after that he would wake up, but as soon as he left the hospital he was using again. Everyday i wait for the phone call that he is dead. It is hard for a parent to live 24 hours a day wondering when their son is going to die. I've been through so much pain, I don't feel anything at all sometimes it seems. There were jails, rehabs, suicide attempts, etc.As a matter of fact, almost all these storys i read I could have written. They put my son in a detox, and 20 days in rehab and set him loose on the street again. I am so angry when I hear about the good and successful programs that work, but these are very expensive, and not affordable to me. I would give my life to get my son into a good rehab. It seems good rehabs are only available to addicts lucky enough to be born into wealthy familys.
It is even hard for the average person to afford the methadone programs. All I can do right now is get through school and hope and pray my son stays alive until I can either afford to get him on the methadone program, or save enough to get him into a good year long rehab. Even for the methadone program, it seems that the only ones lucky enough to get on, are thoses that are not as bad and can still maintain a job. Welfare no longer pays for methadone in my state(New Jersey).
You must be employed to be on it, and my son being dual diagnosis with mental problems, is incapable of holding a job. My son by the way was a sweet kid, and very smart before he started using. Now he has stolen from us so many time my family no longer wants him in the house, so I have to sneak him in so he don't have to stay at the rescue mission where he has been beaten and robbed before. It seems that the system just throws these people on drugs away and have given up on them as hopeless. THey offer them the minimum of assistance so they can say they tried. I wish there were better programs available for the people unable to afford good treatment and wonder how long these poor souls are going to be swept under the rug of society. The average person that does not have any close relationships with an addict don't have a clue whats going on out there that they don't see. And the addict themselves are not the only victim. The family that is not guilty of doing anything wrong are the ones that suffer the most. It seems that my son don't even care what happens to him, and I have to care for the both of us. My life has been so terrible the last few years that I don't have anything that makes me happy and the only thing that keeps me going on is knowing my son wouldn't have anyone if I was gone. Sometimes I wonder if I am really in hell now. I'm sorry for everyone on this board, and what they are going through. I will pray for you all.
Trenton, NJ USA - I am so sorry for the loss of your girl Erin...I pray for you all...God love you...Please pray for my daughter Candice..so she dosn't die from this addiction..Thank you
Wilkes Barre, Pa USA - Help,
My daughter is in the Luzerne County Jailin Wilkes-Barre Pa her name is Candice ...in on breaking probation for D.U.I.from last year
She is 22 on heroin 90 lbs and full of tracks up and down her arm...Where can she get help...in the Wilkes-Barre area or nearby..?
Please Please help...her dad died of a heroin overdose in 1999.
Thank you and God Bless you all,
Wilkes Barre, Pa USA - (I tried to post but not sure if it went through or not 2nd try..)I went to camp avait and mount aviat with both Teresa and Erin. I remember at camp when we were suppose to be sleeping Erin,Teresa and I would eat snacks and laugh a good two hours after we were suppose to be asleep. I don't remember what we had to talk about I just remember her being so entertaining,high energy sassy and beautiful. I am sorry to hear about the loss. It's probably been close to 15 years since I have seen her but its funny how much her energy and personality stayed in my memory she really had that type of presence. 6/6/04
Chicago, IL USA - with a heavy heart i have read thru most of the condolences to you on the loss of your most precious daughter i to have a son addicted to heroin in the last yer he was arrested in jail and was in a long term facility and a half way house and now is living in a home with recovering drug addicts yesterday we went back into court because ryan dealt the drug to use it for himself and we were so hoping for only probation but he got 6 months in jail it seems to be never ending and im just torn apart today what can i do to help him get thru his jail sentence it is a termial disease this drug is the devil its torn my family apart ryans dad is still addicted to cocaine and pilss all has been destroyed around me someone askked what would make u put a needle in your arm what makes them do it pain i dont know im not an addict im his mother i keep all addicts in my prayers and hope that the good lord watches out for all of them we have a war in iraq but even a bigger war in this country its called heroin god bless u all and and maybe if we all band together in a day of prayer we can some how someway help ryan mother debi
forty fort , pa USA - The world has lost another beautiful person, named Erin. When I met her. I met this beautiful girl which is an understatement she was stunning. She was equally smart sweet and sensitive. Everyone wanted to know who this girl was.I could not believe that a girl with this much potential was living life so fast at 24. She could have done anything. She wanted to be a model or an actress and instead ended up with a bunch of losers. I thought I could help because I had gone through 10 lost years of abusing myself with cocaine when I could have been doing something more productive with myself and my life and my money looking back. I thought I could save her some time. She called me her angel when I tried to help. She had a hard time kicking them it did not help that she had an enambler helping her that would buy her these drugs just to keep her around. He said that he loved her. Some love. She progressed from speed and xanax to her old drug of choice which she had tried and conquered previously and said she would never touch again. Well she did and she died. She had a family that loved her and had put her in a rehab in her hometown 1 1/2 months previous to this. Spent a fortune on this to get her help. Drugs kept her coming back here to this state. Which is sad. She had 230 people attend her funeral in her hometown and a family that loved her. She touched everyones life that she met. This is another tragic loss of a young life. She will be sadly missed. To anyone who reads this. Everyone one quits when it is their time. Make your time today before it is to late. It takes will power, but you can do it. Once you conquer it don't go back.
Hollywood, CA USA - Hello,
I know how your pain is when it comes to herion. I have a cousin who i care deeply for he started to use. He would never get to see me because i live in Washington and he lives in Chicago. Well in the summer i always went to see my family up there and well he was always there to see me before i had to leave. This last time he wasnt there at all. I left and found out they found my cousin under a bridge sleeping so they thought but found out that he was using herion. That he had used to much. The day i got that call was the day that i strated hating everything about drugs and achol and how i almost lost someone so dear to me to herion. But i am glad to say that he is now going through treatment and is in job core and is doing good and has been clean for like 3 months. Guess what this summer he is going to be there to see me... sabrina <Brina0887@aol.com>
tacoma, wa USA - I WILL MONEY FOR MY JOB TO CANADA SEGUN OPALEYE <SOLO_ADETIFA@YAHOO.CP.UK>
MUSHIN, LAGOS NIGERIA - WOW, I Feel you pain about Erin, i sat here and cried as i read your story over and over again. I have had an addiction of herion for 2 years and i have recently been clean for 9 months.. yeah its a start but I deal with friends that are in and out of rehab, but stilll doing the drug!! MY LIFE IS WORTH LIVING
Amanda Fuller <Fmisty21@aol.com>
USA - I would like to note that I recently went to rehab here in Missouri. Valley Hope, is the name of the center. There are many located here. It was, BY FAR, the best rehab around. One of the top in the nation, and not to expensive. I highly recommend all in need to look into it. They focus on the person and the drug. They get to the source and the staff truely cares.
Remember, like a cancer patient needs chemo to get beat their illness, we need treatment to help us with ours. No matter what our addiction keeps telling us. There is hope for everyone. I was able to FINALLY see some light as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death.
Also, to all fellow needle users. Don't be frightened, but along with the drug withdrawals, we have to battle our addiction/withdrawal of the actual needle use. For me, the two were parallel in withdrawal pain. I not only craved my tar, but, almost more so, I worshipped my needle banging. Even if it were only filled with water. I had to stab myself.
But all of this lightens day-by-day. Some days are tough, but not as tough as they were when I was dope sick.
MUCH LOVE TO MY FELLOW ADDICTS/JUNKIES- MAY WE ALL SOME LIGHT BEFORE WE REACH THE END OF OUR OWN PERSONAL VALLEY OF DEATH!
St. Louis, MO USA - Oh, where to start/what to say?
HEROIN- my most recent "true love."
I am 60 days clean today. Words I'd never utter.
TO ALL ADDICTS AND ACQUAINTANCES
BEWARE- WE (addicts) ARE IRRATIONAL/SELF-DESTROYING/MANIPULATIVE LIFEFORCES. WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE, WE ARE SICK PEOPLE WITH A COMMON DISEASE. OUR DISEASE, WORKS OVERTIME TO KEEP US SICK/VICTIMIZED/JUNKIFIED. IT PROHIBITS ALL ACTIONS/THOUGHTS IN WHICH OUR LIVES WOULD BENEFIT. NOT ONLY DOES OUR DISEASE KILL US, IT REACHES OUT AND GRABS ALL WHOM ARE NEAR US. IT DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE. IT MAKES US FEEL WORTHLESS AND UNDESERVING. IT CLOUDS OUR MINDS BEYOUND ALL RECOGNITION.
DON'T BE FOOLED----WE NEED HELP!
St. Louis, MO USA - I am sorry for your loss. I understand you pain. I identify with Erin's pain.
I am clean from heroin addiction for the last 17 years. No drinks, no beer, nothing. Thank God. Please visit www.recoverynukkad.com if anyone is looking for freedom from addiction.
Vik Vik <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Bombay, India - I cannot state enough how sorry I am for your loss.I have fought the demon of herion addiction for years.This time making it 4
yrs this past April 27th.
I read somewhere one time that addiction is not a spectator's sport...everybody gets to play,and how true that is.
I am lucky to come from a very supportive family ,just as you were with your lovely Erin.My kids suffered ,and everybody else who loved me.When I hit bottom I didn't stop either.I lost my hand due to iv drug use,and continued until they locked me away for 7 months.
When you talked about how they treated you at the police station it breaks my heart.No matter what a person is or does in life ,there is always somebody that loves them.
I know I'm babbling on.I ssem to do that when my emotions are stirred.
I would like to invite you to read some of my poetry (2 which are on feelings of addiction)at www.allpoetry.com,Author,Jacki D.Please leave me a comment on my author page.My heart is with you
Jackie Jackie Eastridge <email@example.com>
Bristol, Va. USA - Wow, Erins story touched me. i have been battling drugs for 4 years now, i have been in 11 rehabs, 2 jails, and 4 mental hospitals, i just recently got addicted to heroin, but before heroin i was shooting cocaine, i thougth that was gonna kill me but this is really going to kill me, im having thoughts of stopping hearing erins story, i think thats what i needed, casue i have 2 options left prison or death, and i want neither. and i no how you feel and what you went threw casue i put my paresnt through hell and back. god bless you and thank you for havign this site.
Smithtown, NY USA - Hello,
I just read Erin's story and am so very sorry for your loss. I am a recovering heroin addict. I say 'recovering' because I will always be in recovery, I do not believe that there is such a thing as 'recovered' addict. It's hard work staying clean, anything can spark an urge to 'get high', a song, a smell, even a sunny day. I was turned on to heroin by my older brother, he was aready an addict. I used with him and his girlfriend, and I would often laugh at them when they said they were 'bogue' (sick from withdrawl), as we were on our way to downtown detroit to cop our drugs. After about three months, I was not laughing anymore. I was hooked, and just 18. This was back in 1981. After numerous arrests, medical problems, family problems, in 1985 I began methadone treatment for the second time. This was the start of my recovery. By 1987 I had stopped using. During the two years prior I would use every now and again, but in 1987 I stopped completely. I had gone back to school and got my GED, then went and took some computer courses, then to business school. I graduated, got a decent job, got off of welfare, bought a brand new car, had an apartment, credit cards, checking accounts, etc. I was a functioning, normal adult! I stayed clean for about three years, and then used again. For some reason I got the urge to use, and all I had to do was go see my brother. I would do this every now and again, I'd use and then straighten right back up. When my mom became sick in 1996,and a year later passed on, I went on several binges. My last binge, the last time I used was in 1997. It's been seven years now since I've used heroin, or any narcotic. I still think about it though, and am grateful that I moved out-of-state, because I firmly believe that old places and old faces are dangerous for a recovering addict. Removing myself from my old stomping grounds was a huge step in my recovery. Also, I am a firm believer in methadone. Methadone saved my life. Many people say that all we are doing is substituting on drug for another, and maybe that is true; however, one drug is legal and one illegal, and that makes a world of difference in life. With heroin you are running the streets, you are engaging in illegal activity, you are destroying your body and putting yourelf in danger on a daily basis. With methadone, you are not doing anything illegal. One can get off the streets, they do not have to go through the withdrawls, or the feeling of being sick, it's just too much and this is why an addict cannot be successful when kicking cold turkey. With methadone you can actually begin to live a normal life. You don't get high off of methadone, you just become 'normal'. People complain that you have to go everyday, stand in lines, go to counseling...but if you were using you'd have to do much more than that to get your money and your dope. Also, after being clean in any given program, you no longer have to go everyday, you receive 'take homes'. For example, I only go to the clinic every two weeks. One day I will detox off of methadone, but at a slow pace. I always felt guilty for being on methadone for so long, it's been 19 years now. I no longer feel this way because the nurse at my clinic told me that people take medications everyday for diseases. There's medication for low blood sugar, for high blood pressure, for heart disease, for depression. I have a disease...it's addiction, and I am taking a medication for this disease. This has helped me get over my guilt. If there are any addicts reading this, I urge you to check into methadone. It can save your life. It saved mine. And again, to Erin's family, please accept my most heartfelt sympathy, I do know what you are going through. My brother overdosed May 1, 2000, he was just 43.
Asheville, NC USA - I am sorry for loss, and I had no idea that I too
have been a victim of this horrific problem. My great Aunt, her oldest son & daughter all od from herion. We had not seen them in 20 years.
We my family & I called to catch up once we found the number. My great (Her brother)Uncle with heavy heart began a torid awful tale that was jaw dropping. My great aunt became an addict. Her son died of an overdose. Her daughter was an HIV postive addict
who ran from her home in Chicago to Florida with her HIV boyfriend he died, she was alone & drug dealers killed her ( she was never found) My great aunt got a call from her begging for airfare
She tried to get it for her, she was never heard from again 10 years ago they declared her legally dead. With one dead son & a daughter missing she indulged in her deadly habit once more in the company of her one of her grandchildren ( who was also an addict at 11)! She died of a heartattack at the age of 54 due to an overdose. This is where drugs can take you DO ANYTHING TO SAVE YOURSELF! I cannot believe this happened to teh shiny haired beautiful little girl whoI once knew and stood beside. We both had all the promise in the world. She didnt make it, her mother didnt make it, he brother didnt make it they lived a life of hell & angish, no laughter, birthdays, nothing but a horrible unhappy life until they finally died.
FL USA - Thursday, May 13, 2004 at 09:35:14 (HST)I can't even begin to image the loss of a child to this devastating drug. But I know how it feels to lose a husband to this drug. My Husband past away 1 year ago from a heroin overdose. Leaving behind two toddler children, who love and miss him so much. Just when our marriage was the best it had ever been and he just started college, everything was GOOD. Until it called him back again and he gave in, it took his life and the people who gave him the drug left him there to die. No one called for help until a couple of hours later. I know how it feels to lose someone who you loved so much with all your heart. So never forget you are not alone.
Houston, TX USA - Thursday, May 13, 2004 at 06:14:11 (HST)Behind every faceless junkie there is family and story. I hope my story wont end up tear wrenched and shortened. Erin, your story has touched me in a big way;I hope you finally found the peace within yourself you desperately seeked.
Manhattan, NY USA - Friday, May 07, 2004 at 04:04:55 (HST)Hi, I just read your daughter's story and it hit so close to me. I am 19 years old and have been addicted to Heroin for 3 years. I have been in and out of rehab and yet I keep failing to stay clean. I am now on my second day clean, going through withdrawels. It seems I would learn my lesson from all this pain I have to endure..but I don't. I am sorry for what happened to your daughter, and seeing what I put my parents through I could not imagine how you must feel.
The only reason thats driving me through this pain is my parents. I cannot stand the guilt I posess for what I have done. I hope your daughter's story helps encourage me to put down the junk once and for all.
I hope the best for you and your family
brooklyn, ny USA - Friday, May 07, 2004 at 01:24:14 (HST)Erin's story is a heartbreaking. I have a 19 year old son who has been struggling with his addiction since Oct. My life has been hell, and my heart aches daily.
Valencia, CA USA - Thursday, May 06, 2004 at 11:34:31 (HST)Hi! Hearing Erins story I feel the pain. I am also a Herion user. I been doing it for about a year now , Before that I was addicted to crack for atleast 10 years . If it isnt one drug it is another . I been in rehabs my whole life . Now I just lost my daughter my brother has taken her away until i get straight. It is hard but I feel now I finally hit rock bottem, losing my daughter made me realize I need to sraighten my life up . My mom was a drug attic for many years and still is but popping pills to her isnt . Well I hate my mom for the life she gave us. I dont want my daughter to hate me . She is my life, and I need to change so she can know that. She has been in and out of my life for the past 9 years and I can not keep doing this to her . I am in the methdone program right now but that is not enough for me , so I am looking for a long term treatment so i can change my life because right now I hate it . These stories made me realize how I am hurting myself and other around me and how much more I can have in life. Thankyou everyone .
Brooklyn, NY USA - Thursday, May 06, 2004 at 09:54:49 (HST)Im sorry to hear of your loss.I am just starting out in helping people with an addiction and i hope i dont have to come across any that will pass away i hope i can make a diffrence to there life.i really feel for you and your family with all the pain and im sorry she didnt get all the help she should of had.
Manchaster, uk - Thursday, May 06, 2004 at 03:48:23 (HST)TO ERINS FAMILY...MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN...THIS DRUG IS THE DEMON OF ALL DEMONS....I HAVE SEEN ALL WALKS OF LIFE ADDICTED TO HEROIN...I HAVE TWO SONS ADDICTED TO IT AND THEY ARE ONLY 16 and 19..THEY HAVE BEEN IN AND OUT OF DETOX..REHAB...AND NOW THE 19 yr old...HAS SECTIONED HIMSELF IN PRISON DETOX...HE CALLS COLLECT 4 TIMES A DAY AND I AM SO AFRAID WHEN HE GETS OUT NEXT WEEK (30DAYS SOBER) HE WILL USE AGAIN....I SHOWED THEM THIS SIGHT AND TOLD THEM THE PAIN ITS PUTS A FAMILY THROUGH ....BUT THAT DRUGS GETS AHOLD OF THEM AND THEY ARE LOYAL TO IT...THE LIES...THE STEALING...THE HURT....THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC AND I THINK SOMETIME WE CAN COMPARE IT TO A TERMINAL ILLNESS.....WHAT CAN WE DO???? WHEN DOES IT END????
brockton, ma USA - Wednesday, May 05, 2004 at 16:03:15 (HST)My name is andrea.i lost my brother just 5 months ago to heroin. i know what it's like to loose a loved one you care for so much and when you put every effort into helping them. My brother was 26 years old and at this age was reliant not just on drugs but the fact that he calle prison his home and a stable place for him to be and to be happy. After just four days of being out of prison he died . I went to the the inquest last week and was none the wiser to weather he died fron suicide or from overdosing. He tried so many times to get out of the situation he was in with drugs and being so lonly . Due to being depressed and suicidal myself i could not help him as much as he needed me. I am not a drug user but due to life and past times it has made me bad i just wish i had,had the time for ashley just to hold him and love him. i sympathise with your situation of your daughter. And am saddened with the fact that you have to share your thoughts with other people but reading this i know i am not the only one fighing for my children and other peoples children to lesrn the facts that drugs will come to a family situation sooner or later when least expected. If you are listening out there help fight it please don't ignore the fact so it might go away. Without help love and care no fight is worth living for?
Andrea mills <firstname.lastname@example.org>
worcestershire, united kingdom - Tuesday, May 04, 2004 at 12:40:53 (HST)In the story u told me,u mentioned Pink Floyd.Ever since then,I've been hooked on Pink Floyd,not on herion
lisa age13 <babyrebel1304>
wilmington, de USA - Sunday, May 02, 2004 at 10:57:06 (HST)Marie, I hope that you realise through this register that you are not alone. All addicts, alcoholics and our friends stand with you. My name is Patrick, I'm an addict in recovery. I miss many friends hugely who died like Erin. I would be happy to spend my life trying to help others avoid the same fate. Be brave, peace and strength, Patrick.
Patrick Wheeler <email@example.com>
sydney, Oz - Tuesday, April 27, 2004 at 22:56:27 (HST)I am glad you decided to share this story. I am sure it wasn't easy. I read this story when I came out of detox (3rd time) and wonderred if my mom was going to be telling that story. Around that time my husband (who is sober) took me out of Philly to his home in Ireland. I have been living there for the past year. Although most people will say you can find it anywhere, he picked a pretty good spot in N. Ireland where I could not find it. I recently received news that my mom is dying of breast cancer and moved back in with my parents in Philly. I have been here three weeks and it is tough. For one they have my mom on Oxycontin and just knowing that makes me crave. But I can't help but think how after a year of not having it, I can want something that in six months completely destroyed my life. I keep thinking I want to try it just once and I can handle it. That if I space it apart, I can avoid being dopesick. It is crazy. I am an intelligent person. I thank god for my husband. He will be here in one week from Ireland and who knows where I would be without him. He had to learn alot about this addiction. Thank you to everyone who posted and to Erin' s parents. It was by reading this that kept me sober a year ago and reading this that kept me sober another night.
philadelphia, pa USA - Sunday, April 25, 2004 at 15:27:01 (HST)I've just revisited your web site. I wrote to you about 2 months ago about my boyfriend who is a heroin addict. It's sad bc I read the letter I wrote back then and I was so full of hope. Now I'm just so exhausted, things have only gotten worse. I am no longer with him, this drug has destroyed him, us. He was in a really good rehab, went through detox, was clean for about two weeks and just up and left one day and got high. It's so hard bc i really thought this was it. The fact that he left has crushed meand left me with such a bitterness in my heart and such a hate toward this drug. I live in philly and take the el to work so I ride through these neighborhoods everyday. The amount of people that are hooked on this drug is disgusting. mothers, fathers, 14 year old children. How do you cope, how does one remain hopeful? I've done everything for my ex and nothing was ever good enough. Ya know honestly, it makes me curious, what is so great about this drug that would make so many people choose to go through such hell just for that high. I have to pray to God everyday to keep me from going down that road, cause curiosity killed the cat. I have a college degree, I'm a manager at a major corporation amd I pray that I don't get sucked in to this life. I love my ex so much, sometimes I think I would do anything just to be with him, then I have to remember how hard i have worked to get where I am today. And I know that that first time will be the begining of the rest of a life full of hell. I pray for all the addicts out there, look to God he's the only one that can change your life around, you just have to ask him and mean it with all of your heart. To all those in my position that are not addicts, stay strong, we didn't ask for this, but unfortunately this is the hand that God has dealt us. Keep Faith in God, he doesn't give us more than we can handle but without God, theres no way. My prayers go out to all of you.
phila, pa USA - Sunday, April 25, 2004 at 13:41:53 (HST)Well I last posted here on about the 10 Oct 2003 and I was over 1 month clean then,well Im sorry to say that I didnt make it,within a few days of that post I was back using,telling myself that I would only have a shot occasionally,ha ha,we all know that is near impossible,it was only a few days and it was like I had never stopped,well Im back trying again,this time Ive put my name down for the methadone program but over here in New Zealand the waiting list to get on the program is about 18 months,great ahh,well Im not waiting that long,Ill keep my name there and go along to my appointments,but Ive managed to score a small supply of done and Im using that to try and get away from my addiction,Ill use the done over the next week,gradually cutting it down each day and hopefully it will get me over the rough patchs,god I hope so,going cold turkey like I did last time is tough,
I feel good about trying again,Ive got to keep trying,I want to be clean,my life is slipping away and I dont want it like that.
New Zealand - Sunday, April 25, 2004 at 10:39:22 (HST)This story reminds me so much of myself. The journal entry was written at the time I was just starting to use heroin heavily. To think back to that time chills me to the core. I have gone through over 8 years of hell since then, and I know what it is to wonder, as Erin did, how on earth you could continue to do these terrible things to yourself, yet you do. With every shot you put into your bloodstream, you sit and ponder why you have sunk so low, but can't seem to find a way to stop the cycle. I am now on methadone, and it has helped me tremendously. It hasn't made life perfect, as no drug or treatment can possibly do that. But it has given me the ability to stand back up on my own two feet, brush myself off, and get back to living a real life. When things are less than perfect, it doesn't slam me back down on my face. I make it through, and pray for the strength to live life a little better in the future, so that hopefully it will get progressively better. May this story inspire everyone who is touched by this illness to get help anywhere they can find it. Life can become worth living again, it just takes a little time. I regret that Erin lost her life to heroin before finding out that there is hope. God bless you all.
Keith Phelps <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Raleigh, NC USA - Sunday, April 25, 2004 at 04:46:24 (HST)Since 1999, i have cried for you daughter. The past 4 years have been hell for me. Please help me, give me a chance to enter you child's rehab center. I annot find one as good in Toronto.
tim tafilica <tim email@example.com>
toronto, on canada - Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 20:06:48 (HST)As I sit here and read your page all I could think of was the pain I put my loved ones thru all the many yrs I used heroin. Thanks to methadone I'm now almost 52 yrs old,Am an Avid Advocate for Harm Reduction. I lost my husband back in 91 to a heroin OD and it took me 10 yrs to get over that and come to some peace with it. I found out later it was his choice as he had AIDS and thanks to the local needle exchange I was not infected. last year I fell in love again with someone who opened up my heart and made me feel whole again. I was engaged to be married and was the happiest woman on earth. January 16th of this yr I lost the Love of my life to an OD and again my wolrd had been shattered. I wish you well in your Grieving process and hope this page will save souls that have been walking in the shoes of Addiction. I am proud to say I have not done any illegal substances for about 8 years now and I Thank methadone,and of course my hard work,to this miracle.
My Heart is with You,I know the pain
Santa Cruz, CA USA - Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 08:37:25 (HST)My condolences for your daughter Erin, and thank you for having the strength to set up this site in her memory and to try to help others.
I lost my sister to heroin in 1989, so I know just how bad it feels. We were both addicts but her death gave me the strength to quit after 6 years. I stayed clean until 2001, then ended up with a habit again. Crazy. But I'm back on a methadone programme now and have been clean around a year, apart from one brief relapse about 3 months in. Which just goes to show that it can be done, if you want it bad enough. Good luck to anyone else trying to quit, and friends and family of people trying to quit. If anyone would like advice or support or just to talk to someone who's been there, then feel free to email me, I'd be more than happy to help :-)
Take care people.....
Big Dave <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Newport, South Wales, United Kingdom - Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 07:09:47 (HST)My cousin started abusing oxycontin about 2 years ago. He then moved on to herion coc whatever he could get a hold of. He has tried treatment house and halfway house,and about 2 weeks ago we found him prostiting himself in a hotel room someone near LA. We got him back home and have been keepung a close watch on him. His mom and dad are spent, so I volunteered to try to help by letting him move in with me and my family. He's been clean for a week and just started the new in office tx suboxone. So far so good, but I'm looking for any advise that you can give him on how to be the best sober support that I can. He's a good guy and he and I are close in age and our relationship has always been strong. I'm the only one left in our family that refuses to give up on him. What can I do?
oh USA - Thursday, April 22, 2004 at 15:21:32 (HST)Every so often, I come back to ready the last entries. I lost my only child in January of 2003 from a heroin overdose. When I found this site I was in such pain I did not know where the next day would lead. Time has come and time has gone and the pain still lingers. Some days worse than others. Since I lost my only child I have also lost my parents, thank God, not from heroin. My entire family in 9 months. I know that they are in God's hands. What totally disturbs me is that every time I come back I hear another person saying that they lost their loved one to drugs a short time ago. Does it ever quit. When will this page be completed and we can say that we saved another life, not lost another life. If you are doing heroin, get help or you will die. If you have a loved one, doing heroin, get them help or help them get help. As long as this demon is among us, our friend, children and family will die. We can make a difference. My prayers are with all of you.
Carol Michael's mom <email@example.com>
Minneapolis, Mn USA - Wednesday, April 21, 2004 at 14:26:06 (HST)Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. Your story really touched me. My 18 year old brother is addicted to herion and wants to die. He has been doing herion for about 7 months that we know of, and I dont know how much longer my mom and I can take. We have tryed everything.. He doesnt want to go to jail, or rehab he wants to kill himself. Last night he overdosed but he is ok now, he took alchol, cocaine, herion and oxycotten. Please help is there any way we can get him into a program where he cant sign himself out of??
coram, ny USA - Wednesday, April 21, 2004 at 10:15:33 (HST)I drive through the gates of this place now your home. I worry that you are cold and alone.I roll down my window and play your special song, I only wish that you could sing along. I look toward the sky and think I see your face. You are now with God and he will take my place. I know someday we will be together again but until that time I will play your song I will roll down the window and I will sing along. Erin I miss you so much. MoM
wilmington, DE USA - Tuesday, April 20, 2004 at 04:08:11 (HST)I just lost my husband to addiction 3 weeks ago. It is such a horrible thing that addicts and their loved ones go through. My husband was 44 years old and had been using cocaine almost daily when we lived together. We started living apart 5 1/2 years ago, because I just could not take it anymore. We still saw each other every day and he went through several treatment programs. He made a big improvement, but never could give up drugs completely. Lately, it was prescription drugs. His last night he took 24 vicodins when we went to stay at the beach for the weekend and never woke up. I found him dead the next morning in the bed. I am having a horrible time, feeling guilty that I should have known something was wrong by the way he snored. But with him, nothing was consistent, so I wasn't really too worried. I had known of him to take 60 pills in a couple of days and nothing happened. Why would it be different this time. I miss him alot, but not the times when that beast would come out. Oh, what I would give for just one last good hug.
Miami, FL USA - Friday, April 16, 2004 at 15:34:49 (HST)All of your stories have touched me, and I pray for all of you. My ex-boyfriend was an addict and he was in prison. He broke a beer bottle over the face of a dealer because he was mad the dealer had no heroin. The dealer bled all over the place and he almost died because of the gash. Dave, once fled the prison (it was more like a juvenile center) and took more drugs.1 day later, he almost OD'ed in his bedroom, he called the ambulance. In prison, again, he slashed his wrists. This was almost ten years ago. I don't know where he is now. He was my first love, he was brilliant, he had the best smile and the most charming personality. Drugs stole everything from him. Drugs stole him away from me and everyone who loved him.
Montreal, QC Canada - Wednesday, April 14, 2004 at 07:40:49 (HST)God bless Erin and all her family who remain truly loyal to her cause.
Staffordshire, England - Wednesday, April 14, 2004 at 00:21:57 (HST)Mrs. Allen.... as I read about Erin's story I had goose bumps the whole time. I am from Philadelphia and my addiction to heroin started in North Philly right in the heart of kensington. Throughout my whole addiction I have tried to do it Dawn's way to stay clean. I went to NA meetings and just basically stayed abstinent from time to time, but never actually worked the NA way of life. In october of 2002 I went into rehab and and then into a halfway house... I actually let the counselors in my rehab choose one for me, since I always seemed to pick the ones right in North Philly (go figure) anyway, they sent me to Pottstown Pa which is about 40 minutes outside of the city... I went there optomistic that this time would be different because of being so far outside of the city.... but what I didnt realize was that if you are not ready to change every aspect of your life, and I mean every aspect, it will be only just a matter of time before you use again! I stayed in the halfway house, went throught the motions, didnt speak up in meetings about having feelings of wanting to use, and before long I convinced my fiance (who is a recovering crack cocain addict) to let me drive his car down the way to kensington. Now he had never used heroin up until that point, but that was the day that I introduced him to heroin. We have both been blessed enough to not lose our lives up until this point because of the heroin use, but we didnt just use heroin, we started shooting cocain and smoking crack also. The point of everything I am trying to say is that I realized after reading this story and all the condolence letters from other parents like you, that I want to stop before it is too late... one major thing that all addicts have in common is that we are self absorbed and along with not caring about ourselves (how can we? if we are sticking needles in our arms) we also dont tend to think about the other people in our lives who suffer from our addictions! I want to stop so bad after reading all of this because I would never want my beautiful, loving , caring mother to ever have to feel the way you do about Erin. I am a mother myself. I have a gorgeous daughter named Abbigail and my worst fear is that me or her father may overdose and she would lose a mother or father or both!!! What a horrible thing addiction can be!! Anyway, as much as I have wanted to get clean for Abby, I havent stopped using, bucause you have to want to do it for yourself and not other people for the prograsm to work, but I KNOW after reading all of these letters that I ma ready to stop! I cant do it anymore... It is truly time for me to grow up and die, so I can have a quality life. So that I can be the mother, daughtter, sister, fiance, and person I am truly meant to be!!!!
Philadelphia , Pa USA - Tuesday, April 13, 2004 at 10:51:42 (HST)It was very difficult for me to read your daughters story. I too am a drug addict, I have lost count of the numerous times I have been at the point of death, and begged God for my life. I just recently had a relapse and encountered that same experience. And when I read your daughters story, I just could not stop crying, I could feel her pain, I know what she went through. But, I really do feel stronger after reading her story. I greatly appreciate your efforts to tell your daughters story, so that through your loss others might gain insight to this serious problem. I am currently a junior in college; I hope to stay clean and become a teacher and like you warn young people of this deadly disease of the mind.
Galveston, Tx USA - Saturday, April 10, 2004 at 19:24:42 (HST)Hello Mrs. Allen. My name's Clarissa and I'm 15 years old. To a lot of people, the story of your daughter is a huge shock. The sad thing is that when I read it, it didn't surprise me a bit. As a high school student, drugs are a part of my everyday life. I think it's pathetic and scarry that when someone talks about using drugs, it's as normal as someone talking about playing sports. It's as if it's an ok thing. I wish I could convince everyone that it's not- it's a terrible thing that kills! Next year, i'm going to join the SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) club at my school. This year, it only had 15 people out of a school of over 2,000 and i think that's sad. I'm very sorry about the loss of your daugher and I wish I could do something to keep it from happening to other people.
Fort Wayne, IN USA - Saturday, April 10, 2004 at 16:37:16 (HST)i need ur help am from nigeria 21 years old please just help to usa when i get there when am working i will pay u back akindele bamidele femi <firstname.lastname@example.org>
agbado, ogun nigeria - Saturday, April 10, 2004 at 01:33:45 (HST)Hi.
I frequently visit this site because I lost my 23 year old sister to heroin 7 months ago. I am still heavily grieving. I made a site kind of like this one to share her story and help educate and possibly prevent someone from using. Feel free to visit. God bless you all; users, family, friends. www.InKyndallsName.org Nicole DelBuono <email@example.com>
toms river, NJ USA - Friday, April 09, 2004 at 08:42:54 (HST)Dear Mrs. Allen
My name is Joe and I am a drug addict. I have been using since I was 13. I started with alcohol and ended up with a nasty heroin habit. I'm not gay but I have sold my body on the streets of D.C.. I have stolen from my family from friends from stores. I've been locked up many times, I have pending charges now. A firearms charge and a heroin charge. I'm clean. I have beaten, and been beaten. I am my own worst enemy. I am a man filled with love, joy, and a passion for life. I also am a man filled with hate, rage, and a death wish. I don't know if I'll be alive tomarrow but I need to remember those of us like your daughter. I will be blunt some people have to get the short end of the stick some need to die so that others may live.Your daughter got the short end, she passed so that I could live. The universe came to carry away a soul, and it took hers that mine could stay and for that I am eternally greatful. I don't know you and I never met your girl, but I don't need to. We're all the same. All players in a show set on a giant stage hurtling through space at record speed. Her part in the play this time sucks, but it's all balanced. I'll sign out.
Mrs. Allen I hope for nothing but the best for you and yours.
JOSEPH F. MANSON IV
Joseph Manson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
fairfax, va USA - Friday, April 09, 2004 at 05:29:33 (HST)This story really touches my heart. As I write; I wipe my tears. My son has an heroin addiction. Twice to detox, and once to Rehab.(and only stayed 1 day)checked out from Center. Now he goes to a Methodone Rehab Clinic. His second day attending, and I and family members are totally against this...because from our understanding this will be a harder withdrawl than the heroin! He plans only 6 months, then to drop dosage or plain get-off this narcotic! Think this is just another way of an addict to get drugs; but it's only legal from a clinic. Highly appose of this operation! My heart goes out to you and your loved ones. I pray for yall.
Sincerely, Liz Blankenbeckler
USA - Tuesday, April 06, 2004 at 12:16:06 (HST)Dear Mrs. Allen, I am so sorry for the heartbreak you suffer. I know it only too well because I lost my beautiful 16 year old daughter to heroin. Your story about Erin, and Erin's own journal writing are so moving. At least you are trying to make some good come out of it. It is so very, very important to get this horrible sickness "out of the closet", so that everyone will begin to realize that this can happen to anybody and that NO ONE "chooses" to become a drug addict. I know that my attitude towards drug addicts changed dramatically as a result of my beautiful, loving daughter's involvement. One of your readers wrote a reprimand, saying that Erin never should have started! He is right. That is the best prevention, BUT, the number of kids who are unknowingly playing with death the first time they smoke a joint, is nothing short of mind-boggling. It seems to have become totally acceptable among young teens. If only we could truly find out WHY such huge numbers of our kids are trying drugs, and stop them before they ever start, that would be so wonderful. Since my daughter's death, I learned that most of her friends were/are using some form of illegal drugs. These are kids she was friends with since elementary school days. Nice kids. Good kids. It is really, really scary. I have to wonder how many of them will ultimately end up in the ground with Katie. In any case, you are doing a wonderful thing by getting the word out. I think if there were some way that every person and every organization involved in any kind of anti-drug messages, could possibly all be listed in one central registry and then united into one large, "parent", or "umbrella" organization, so that all efforts could be coordinated, MAYBE, just MAYBE our government could be made to realize that the REAL war is right here at home!!!! I am sorry that Erin relapsed. I wonder if her treatment was really of sufficient duration. That's another problem. Commonly, an addict is extremely lucky if they can get 30 days inpatient. Although Katie came to me, confessed her heroin addiction shortly after she began using, and begged me to get her INPATIENT care, she did not "qualify" for inpatient treatment! A needle-injecting 16 year old girl admitting her problem & begging for REAL, serious help, was authorized only outpatient treatment, believe it or not. Her situation wasn't bad enough. SHe had never had an OD. I rejoiced when I got the call that she'd been taken by ambulance, thinking at last she'd qualify for inpatient care. But, Katie's first OD was also her last OD. My website tells her story: beat-the-drum.org. Keep up your good work! You are helping to get the word out about this terrible affliction! Sue
Bensalem, PA USA - Saturday, April 03, 2004 at 07:08:57 (HST)I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE LOOKING FOR SOME KIND OF HELP, FOR MY OWN ADDICTION TO THE SHIT, JUNK, CRAP WHATEVER YOU WANT CALL IT. iT SADDENS ME TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE LOST LOVED ONES BECAUSE OF THIS DEMON. I PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU THAT ARE STRUGGLING AS BAD AS i AM IT IS A HARD LONG JOURNEY, I'M SO SCARED RIGHT NOW IM LOSSING EVERYTHING I EVER LOVED AND CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DRUG IT HURTS ME TO KNOW ALL THE TERIBLE THINGS IVE DONE TO PEOPLE I LOVE. YOU AREN'T ALONE. IM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS PRAY I'LL SURVIVE THIS. BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN I NEED SOMONES HELP I CAN'T AFORED METHADONE OR TREATMENT BECAUSE I SPENT AL MY MONEY AND NOW STOLE IM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF AND I FEEL SO DURTY, BUT IT CONTINUES TO CONSUME ME, WHY??
IL USA - Saturday, April 03, 2004 at 00:07:04 (HST)While reading about Erin's story, I couldn't help but cry. I've been down this road a time or two. I've been to jail, to rehab once and to two different methadone facilities. I failed myself during my first methadone treatment, I started using again. I then found out I was 2 months pregnant and 4 days after I found that out, I lost my baby. I believe God took my child from me to open my eyes and teach me the hardest lesson I have faced in my 21 years of life. I now realize what I did to myself and to my family. I am so thankful to be here today and to be clean. I feel God was watching over me and he has something better in mind for me than the path I was on. I pray I never have to subject myself to that life again. My heart goes out to everyone who is still struggling with the addiction and to those who have lost a loved one because of it. I just pray I can stay clean and be the person I know I am. God bless you all!!
Northern Cambria, PA USA - Friday, April 02, 2004 at 14:30:16 (HST)I came across this page while looiing for resources for my job. See I am one of these substance abuse counselors and I even worked at one of the Crest facilities (Dover) for over two years. I see these people fighting for their lives day after day and the horror they go through along the way. I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that your sharing of the story will help at least one person make the change. I also read in one of the other messages that you speak in public forums. Should you have the time, I would love for you to speak to one of my current groups. You can reach me at 856-299-3200 ext 113. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
Dover, DE USA - Thursday, April 01, 2004 at 18:28:11 (HST)MArie, I am so sorry about what happend to your daughter. You came to my school today ( Redding Middle School) and told the story about Erin. It really touched me and showed me how even if you go to rehab to try to stop it doesnt make you stop. I thank You again for telling your story becasue it helped me understand what heroin can do to you. Thanks Again
Middletown, De USA - Tuesday, March 30, 2004 at 13:30:24 (HST)I came across this site while researching for a project that I'm doing on heroin. While reading your story.. I almost broke down and cried. It was painful for me to read, I can't even imagine having to go through it. Making this page was a brilliant idea, I hope it reaches out and touches people. God bless.
Peterborough, Ontario Canada - Tuesday, March 30, 2004 at 09:05:57 (HST)I have not completed the reading about Erin, but when I do I'll write again. I found the site by looking for support as a loved one of a herion user. I'm looking for an approach that help me deal with my issue about the addiction and hopefully help me to talk with the user. I know that this is his problem and not mine, I just need to be able to let him know I care and am aware without him getting angry and defensive. I am a mother of 3 1 a preteen and 2 teens and I can not condon the behavior around them. I've been a relationship before where he was addicted to herion and it's too much to handle. They wanted to be treated and respected as an adult but can not see why or understand the discomfort from the people who care.
Jodi Duffie <email@example.com>
Baltimore, MD USA - Tuesday, March 30, 2004 at 08:12:30 (HST)Hi Marie, my name is Donna and my daughter is a heroin addict she is currently withdrawing with subutex. I never ever thought this would happen to our family as it does effect the whole family but it has. I am only grateful my beautiful daughter wants her life back I know this is going to be the biggest battle of her life and she has only just turned 18. I always thought as her mother I would of noticed the signs but I didn't I noticed the life was going out of her and put it down to her jealous boyfriend who I tried so hard to keep her from him it pushed her more to him hence the result. I just hope we will survive this as a family and not have the tragedy you have endured. Best Wishes to you and your family. Donna <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Northants, England - Saturday, March 27, 2004 at 07:03:58 (HST)i just wanted to say im so sorry about your loss. i just found out that my bf of 6 yrs started using he came to me and asked for help i live with him i dont know how i ever missed the sings. i just never thought he would i guess. im torn part of me feels like i pushed him to do it and part of me hates him for it. i love him to death and will stand by him. it gave me alot of hope when he asked me to help him he hates what it does to him and cant stand the fact that hes hurt me. i was happy to see there is hope of him staying clean there are so many articles about not many stay drug free after using. i need to believe there is hope for him never going back. i dont know much about it and i have never used so it makes it hard for me to understand why he cant just quit other than the fact that deep down he still wants to do it is this right or am i just that uninformed. wishing everyone all the best in this fight. stay safe and stong and never forget someone out there loves you. GOD BLESS
PA USA - Friday, March 26, 2004 at 21:24:43 (HST)sincerist condolences,i to am a recovering addict,with two sons who are also addicts,they r the main reason i could get my self clean otherwise iam of no use to them
sydney, n.s australia - Thursday, March 25, 2004 at 03:33:21 (HST)I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. RIGHT NOW I'M STRUGGLING WITH MY HEART AND THOUGHTS I JUST RECENTLY LOST MY EX-HUSBAND WHOM I DEEPLY LOVED SO MUCH OF WHAT I HAVE READ ON THIS SIGHT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT MANY PEOPLE ARE STRUGGLING WITH SO MANY DRUG DEMONS --THE REASON HE WAS MY EX IS BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN AND I JUST COULD NOT PUT UP W/THE DRUGS ALTHOUGH I DID FOR 3 HARD YEARS I TRIED EVERY WHICH WAY TO GET HIM HELP AND HE WOULD REFUSE--FINALLY I JUST GOT TIRED OF HEARING "IM SORRY I WON'T DO IT AGIAN" & STAYING UP ALL NIGHT ARGUING OVER NOTHING(HIS OWN CRAZY THOUGHTS) IM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING WHY ?? DID I DO IT TO HIM DID I DRIVE HIM TO DRUGS? LOGICALLY I KNOW I DIDN'T WE HAD A WONDERFUL LIFE BUT MY HEART JUST KEEPS ASKING WHY ? IT ONLY BEEN 2 WEEKS SINCE MY KIDS AND I LOST HIM --I CAN'T STOP CRYING -- I KNOW HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW I'M HAPPY THAT HIS SOUL IS FINALLY RESTING AND AT PEACE. THE DEVIL HAS NO MORE CONTROL OVER HIM THAT MAKES ME HAPPY BUT I DID LOVE HIM AND I DO MISS HIM
ESPANOLA, NM USA - Monday, March 22, 2004 at 09:26:59 (HST)i am very sorry to here about ur loss i lost my best friend in january from herion and he was only 17. thank you for sharing ur story i hope it will help other people god bless
ma USA - Sunday, March 21, 2004 at 10:34:17 (HST)As my days of heroin abuse become ever more distant, I am left with a tremendous feeling of guilt. The pain that we (as addicts) cause our parents and friends is immense.
I cannot begin to imagine how losing Erin must feel. I despise heroin and everything that it does...I despise the dealers who deal in death.
Please continue to tell your story Mrs Allen as it will make a difference.
God bless Erin. Andy <email@example.com>
London, England - Sunday, March 21, 2004 at 01:36:28 (HST)Yesterday we sent our son to a rehab (for herone addiction) for the second time in two years - he has been in and out of halfway houses and has relapsed more times than I can count. My heart goes out to you for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hoboken, NJ USA - Friday, March 19, 2004 at 02:40:11 (HST)Mrs.Allen,
today you came to my school and gave your presentation. I cant stop thinking about it. I have never been touched as deeply as I was today. You are so brave to be able to tell your and Erin's story. I watched as the girls around me fell silent, and felt my own tears pouring down my face. Someone very close to me was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and your presentation gave me the courage to say no. These past few weeks, a lot has happened in my life and I sometimes wonder if it could get any worse. And i now know that I am lucky to have not gotten into drugs. After you talked to my school, the hallways were somewhat quiet and I watched girls wipe away the tears from their faces. You trully touched each and every one of us. I would love to hear from you. You really made a difference in my life. Thank you and God bless <3
Wilmington, De USA - Thursday, March 18, 2004 at 12:51:49 (HST)I found this poem on cocaine web-site and I think it's worth reading.
MY NAME IS COCAINE(anon)
My name is Cocaine - call me Coke for short.
I entered this country without a passport.
Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.
Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.
I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.
I'll take renowned speaker and make a bore.
I'll take a mother and make here a whore.
I'll make a schoolteacher forget how to teach.
I'll make a preacher not want to preach.
I'll take all your rent money and you'll get evicted.
I'll murder your babies or they'll be born addicted.
I'll make you rob and steal and kill.
When you're under my power you have no will.
Remember my friend my name is " Big C ".
If you try me just one time you may never be free.
I've destroyed actors, politicians and many a hero.
I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.
I make shooting and stabbing a common affair.
Once I take charge you won't have a prayer.
Now that you know me what will you do ?
You'll have to decide, It's all up to you.
The day you agree to sit in my saddle.
The decision is one that no one can straddle.
Listen to me, and please listen well.
When you ride with cocaine you are headed for HELL!!!
Boston, MA USA - Tuesday, March 16, 2004 at 07:39:33 (HST)Thank you for your webpage. I'm sorry for your loss. My niece Amanda died a couple of weeks ago from heroin. She was only 21. She has two kids in the system that I am trying to adopt. I needed to read what this addiction is all about. I didn't know anything about it. And as I read more and more I still can't believe that this happened to my family. Nobody thinks that and that's where thoughts and actions have to change. I have vowed to help my great niece and nephew any way I can and to help other kids by sharing Amanda's story. This war on drugs doesn't seem to be getting any better but we can't give up hope. Just keep trying, educating and helping those who need it. God bless you all who write on this web page. I'm praying for you all (and I'm not even religious) your words have comforted me in a way and inspired me to help any way I can.
monique sibb <firstname.lastname@example.org>
lindsay, ont canada - Tuesday, March 16, 2004 at 04:59:43 (HST)Maybe Erin is better now.I dont know ,sometimes I wish I could believe we could go to a better place after that,but I canīt and that scares me. Maybe I will never be able to forget that .I dont know. But honestly is there someone outside who could say : Yes I am never going to fall back again? I dont think so.Just tell me ... and maybe I can be able to believe in life again
Bulgaria - Friday, March 12, 2004 at 16:09:55 (HST)My Ex-boyfriend is a Cocaine Addict for over 20yrs. I say Ex because the drugs tore us apart. I never realized how much of a problem it was for him till we moved in together. I never used so I was very angry with him all the time. I just couldn't understand. I now realize he didn't lie, steal, ect. because of me, but because of the addiction. I Love him with all my heart, but I couldn't put up with it anymore. He admits he has a problem with drugs & alcohol, and also admits he doesn't want to stop eithier one of them. He also stated once he's already dead just doesn't want to lie down yet. I went through the wanting to change him, feeling bad for him, and he used that weakness I had against me to lie & steal to support his habit. The more into his addiction he got again (when I met him he was trying to clean up his act) the more heartless, cold & cruel he became towards me. He became abusive physically & emotionally. But then when he was in his numerous rehab's that he was sentenced to attend he was the sweetest kindest person. Thats the person I fell in love with. Now he's in jail for numerous charges including theft from my mom, & he's looking at many years. I greatly anticipated his arrest, and now that they finally got him I'm torn over the fact that yes he deserves to be in jail, but the drugs and only the drugs led him there. I am happy they posted his bail very high so that he won't be on the street again anytime soon. I think he is on Methadone in the jail to help him. I can only hope & pray that one day he turns his life around. But I always keep picturing myself attending his funeral. To everyone trying to get clean keep up the strength and never stop trying, if you relapse try again. No matter how many times my Ex falls I'll always be there for him, & to everyone whose a loved one of an addict, you have to be strong, know when to say enough, but don't ever leave there side.
Boston, ma USA - Friday, March 12, 2004 at 11:23:38 (HST)I am very sorry for your daughter. I just wanted to let you know that your daughters story helped me with my own addiction. I have 5 years clean now, thanks to Erin. Stay Strong!
newark, de USA - Friday, March 12, 2004 at 10:22:45 (HST)
OK Miss Hudson, got your email. I'll call your mobile. Try to keep up the good work and consider moving area if possible. Grazzer.
USA - Wednesday, March 10, 2004 at 19:03:21 (HST)Itīs awful isnīt it? Every time I look back I feel like someday I will return to where I have started from.Heroin took my dreams ,my family ,my friends ...my life away.But now I am trying to get it all back and I hope I wonīt fall back again.I never want to feel that awful pain and agony inside myself,I want to breath the air and feel free ,I want to be able to smile and cry,I want to be able to love again. And still I cant escape that wish inside of me thatīs tearing me inside.
Pray for me
Bulgaria - Wednesday, March 10, 2004 at 15:50:45 (HST)Sometimes when i think back to my days of using heroin it becomes easy for me to remember the numbing bliss I felt and forget the pain that always accompanies it. It has been almost 10 months since I last shot a bag of dope and no matter how hard life gets, I play that tape all the way thru....I will never let myself go through the agony again. I am not perfect, but I won't touch heroin, and ever since reading about Erin's story, I never skip a day going to this site; it has helped me stay clean. For everyone who is struggling, stay strong. Don't forget that every heroin user has to stop at some point- it's up to you how. Death, jail, or a new life without it. Don't give in.
NY, USA - Wednesday, March 10, 2004 at 11:45:55 (HST)I am really sorry! Right now she is better.
Kennett Square, PA USA - Wednesday, March 10, 2004 at 05:47:14 (HST)Ronnie Headford (Durham)- I would love to hear from you, My email address is below. I am using at the moment, i relapsed the other week after taking subutex. what did you do you detox with methadone,subutex or pure will power, id love to hear from you. Get in touch!!
Sheffield, South Yorks, Eng - Wednesday, March 10, 2004 at 01:20:00 (HST)My mother had first read this story and then printed it out and told me to read it. Erins story had taught me & showed me something I needed to see/hear~
For the past couple of weeks, I have been greiveing & cursing the creation of HEROIN. I hate it. It has taken the best thing away from me, my boyfriend (who is my best friend!), who is going into rehab, and I hope to have the normal him when he gets back. Heroin addiction I would have to say is the hardest battle anyone would have to fight in their entire life. There are winners and losers in this sick game, the winners are in RECOVERY, and the losers are DEAD.Whenever I think of this addiction, I cry for the people living in it, because it gets you and grasps you so tight it is hard to get out. I got caught up using heroin and arrested for possesion of heroin. My family was shocked, but they caught it right in time. I am an honor student, planning to attend college in the fall, I work, I am/was responsible, If you saw me, you would never think I would be in my position. No one ever thought this would happen but it did. HEROIN GETS YOU LIKE THAT....~ I am currently starting rehab, and I pray to god everyday, that i will stay off that path, and I pray that all of you will too. I would never touch Heroin ever again because it flipped my life upside down,take the love of my life away, hopefully just for now, and it cant take you anywhere but down, and spending 2 nights in JAIL for possesion,,.,, also taught me a lesson to where it will take you. YOU JUST HAVE TO STAY STRONG AND WHEN PEOPLE DONT BELIEVE IN YOU- You have to think F*** THEM! And show them wrong, that you can do it.
Everyone makes bad choices in life~ If you are still ALIVE... TAKE IT AS A BLESSING AND RUN FOR HELP, RUN SO YOU CAN LIVE. I pray for all of you and hope you all are strong winners in this sick deadly battle. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY BOYFRIEND THAT I DONT HAVE TO WATCH HIM KILL HIMSELF WITH HEROIN ANYMORE THAT HE WILL GET BETTER AND HOPE U ALL WILL TOO
Ny USA - Tuesday, March 09, 2004 at 19:37:06 (HST)I am really sorry about the death of your child but she should not have started in the first place!!! Best Wishes
Devon Goddard <Skibabe@aol.com>
Kennett Square, PA USA - Tuesday, March 09, 2004 at 14:22:27 (HST)Please accept my sincere regrets about your daughter. I also have had problems with drugs in my 25 years of life. I have been clean for almost two years and have started college. I hope that your faith in the Almighty God is keeping you going. Remember, there is a resurrection hope for everyone that has gone to sleep in death. Revelation 21: 3, 4 is my favorite because it talks about God wiping out sorrow and Death. Erin is still remembered by her Almighty God and her sins will be forgiven.
Havre, MT USA - Monday, March 08, 2004 at 17:22:09 (HST)Mrs. Allen, so sorry to hear of your daughter's death. My husband met/heard you speak at a Citizen's Police Academy-he was so touched that he came home woke up our 12 year old and talked to her about drugs. He was in tears. In the 7 years of our marriage I have never seen him so moved and touched. You really touched him and made us open our eyes.Through your lost we can hopefully keep our daughters drug free. I can't believe all the young people out there using and they start so young. Not like when I was growing up. My cousin was a Herion user now she is on Methadone(don't know if she will ever stop it)-my aunt has met you and lived not to far from you when the girls were younger. I see what the drug does to a family-we are thankful that my cousin is still alive. There were times when we thought she wouldn't be. To all the young people out there DON'T EVEN TRY IT 1X-I hear it is so easy to get hooked on then you can't get off of it. I pray for my daughters to say no and talk to us about anyone who trys to get them to use. Young people need to get involved in other activites,CHURCH,SPORTS,FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE and stick with it. Pick friends/boyfriends/girlfriend VERY carefully-if they use or try to get you to lose them! Get them help if you can.THANK YOU Mrs Allen for speaking up to the young people Keep it up I hope through your lose that others will be found and not have to suffer as your family has.Do you speak at private schools also? I wish you would goto my daughter public school and speak and her old private school. Doesn't matter what kind of school anyone can use. PRAY FOR OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. TLH
Newark, DE USA - Monday, March 08, 2004 at 11:43:33 (HST)Ronnie, If you would like to speak with someone I would love to talk to you. My e-mail is email@example.com Shannon <s_pilley @hotmail.com>
Baltimore, MD USA - Monday, March 08, 2004 at 03:34:45 (HST)sorry fir your loss i thik more people should add a condolance i have been using heroim for 4 years i started when i was 15 before that i injected amphtamines from the age of 13 now i am currently clean and at collage doin bench joinery i would like to talk to a nother addict through ths site for support so leave a message for me please
durham, england - Sunday, March 07, 2004 at 08:49:22 (HST)its ronnie i am still clean your dautghter has made me think in a diffrent way about drugs thank you
DURHAM, ENGLAND - Sunday, March 07, 2004 at 08:35:51 (HST)God bless.
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/JUSTTRAINSPOTTING/ Andy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
London, England - Sunday, March 07, 2004 at 01:37:11 (HST)hi its ronnie again erins story has give me a lot of hope i think its really sad heroin is a disabilty thats the way i look at it i think you,s have done areally good job with this website i guess your name is marie thank you for giveing me hope
ENGLAND - Friday, March 05, 2004 at 05:03:29 (HST)hi my name is ronnie im 19 years old and a male ihave read erins story and think it is so sad i am curently on a methadone programe and doing well i just want to say to oyher addicts live in the day get through one day at a time
USA - Friday, March 05, 2004 at 04:57:23 (HST)Dear Marie, I feel your pain. My brother and sister in law are addicts. They have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful son. My youngest neice was born addicted, three months early but at four she is doing very well. I just hope her beginning isn't her end. My other neice has emotional problems and my nephew is doing wonderful. My brother and sister in law are currently in a treatment program. It took many years of hurting us and themselves to finally ask for help and mean it. My mother has been effected the most. My brother is the baby of the family. At forty he is still very dependent on her. The methodone program he is in should have started detoxing him already but I think most of these programs are only in it for the money, How Sad. My son's girlfriend is also an addict. She is going through some intense therapy and medication. My son has never given up on her. He loves her very much. She is a good person with a very bad problem. I also have a step daughter that has lost everything to this horrible drug. I wait daily to hear that she has been found like your beautiful daughter. I only hope that someone will notify us. We haven't seen her for about 6 months. I guess I just needed to tell someone who understands. God be with you and your family.
baltimore, md USA - Thursday, March 04, 2004 at 16:22:03 (HST)Hi Marie, I have written to you a few times to tell you what I have been through with my Mom and boyfriend both beoing addicts. I just figured that I would fill you in on how great everything is going. I first saw this site in 2002 when my life just like it seemed that it would never get better with my Mom and boyfriend both getting high. It did get worse but then it started to get better. I saw my boyfriend go from having everything to nothing in no time. I told you before that he did get on a Methadone program. He is still on the program and to all of the people that fight this horrible addiction... if you don't have the will power but want to get clean get on a Methadone program. It has worked for my boufriend and it can work for you. Him and I are now talking about getting married and starting a family. I really think that after losing his bestfriend back in September it has really made an impact on his life and the way he looks at getting high. It's not just a feeling, it can take over or even take your life. He didn't think that it could ever happen to him or any of his friends but it did. I miss his friend dearly and I wish that it didn't happen to him but it did and we can't change that. But I just wanted to tell you that my boyfriend is doing better then ever and is working on making a great life for us. It's amazing seeing him come through all thats he's been through. I really thought at one point in time that we were not gonna last because it was gonna take his life. But he beat it and our life is now like a fairy tale compared to the way it was when he was getting high. Thanks Marie for this great web site and God Bless... Shannon Shannon <email@example.com>
Baltimore, MD USA - Wednesday, March 03, 2004 at 10:22:19 (HST)It has been a year since I lost my younger sister to heroin, so I can empathize greatly with your situation. I wish I knew what I could do to help the drug situation in this country, so that when people hear how she died, they don't inwardly think that there is one less junkie. Many people have reached out to our family and for that I am grateful, but I want to DO something.
Nashua, NH USA - Tuesday, March 02, 2004 at 05:58:51 (HST)I am so sorry for your loss. I hope we change our attitude about kids like Erin. We need to have drug policies that are copassionate towards victims like Erin and hard on those who raped her.
Udayan Sinha <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Fairfax, VA USA - Monday, March 01, 2004 at 16:27:09 (HST)I am so sorry - my sister died of herion - we didn't know it was a new thing. It is so devasting. I admire you so much how you didn't give up on your daughter. You were great parents. With an addiction nobody knows what causes it - it's so hard and it lasts a long time. Your daughter had pain or something i say something but like my sister we don't really know people can seem ok but you never know. She had everything but something was hurting her or whatever. My heart goes out to you. I think it's great that you have this website and you raise money etc. If only drugs were stamped out.
melanie jane <email@example.com>
USA - Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 14:00:04 (HST)dearmrs allen im sorry about your daughter my 24 year old brother got hooked on heroin he used to smoke pot then painkillers then got hooked on heroin i havent seen him in a month my mons so worried we used to hang every day now all he wants to do is heroin he denies it but when you get arrested 6 times 4 buying heroin and shopolifting its offyus he stole a 6 thousand dollar family embloom necklace thats been in our family 4 100 years all my cds my moms car her jewelry my xboxand everything hes worked 4 and last time we saw him we caught him trying to get our big screen tv out of our basement. the police in philly are always telling us to pick him up 4 vagrancy cause he sleeps under cars hes tried to get clean but he cant he can but he wont he used to have the prettiest girlfriend and had lots of friends now all he cares about is heroin my mom always tells me she remenbers when he was a baby and took care of him we just know hes gonna be in jail or dead i hope he gets l,ocked up 4 a couple years its almost likes he needs an exorcism well im truly sorry about your loss i wil pray 4 u and yours and please pray 4 john
philadelphia, pa USA - Saturday, February 28, 2004 at 04:09:12 (HST)dearmrs allen im sorry about your daughter my 24 year old brother got hooked on heroin he used to smoke pot then painkillers then got hooked on heroin i havent seen him in a month my mons so worried we used to hang every day now all he wants to do is heroin he denies it but when you get arrested 6 times 4 buying heroin and shopolifting its offyus he stole a 6 thousand dollar family embloom necklace thats been in our family 4 100 years all my cds my moms car her jewelry my xboxand everything hes worked 4 and last time we saw him we caught him trying to get our big screen tv out of our basement. the police in philly are always telling us to pick him up 4 vagrancy cause he sleeps under cars hes tried to get clean but he cant he can but he wont he used to have the prettiest girlfriend and had lots of friends now all he cares about is heroin my mom always tells me she remenbers when he was a baby and took care of him we just know hes gonna be in jail or dead i hope he gets l,ocked up 4 a couple years its almost likes he needs an exorcism well im truly sorry about your loss i wil pray 4 u and yours and please pray 4 john
philadelphia, pa USA - Saturday, February 28, 2004 at 04:09:08 (HST) I, MYSELF, AM A PRACTICING ADDICT. I, LIKE COUNTLESS OTHERS HAVE GROWN WEARY OF THE DAILY
RITUAL NECESSARY FOR US TO FUNCTION. TODAY, I
SOUGHT HELP FOR MY ILLNESS, ATTEMPTING TO FIND
A DETOX, REHAB WHATEVER, WITH THE TYPICAL RESULTS
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? SAME OLD THING, EVERY PLACE
NO INSURANCE- NO HELP. THE PROGRAMS THAT DO OFFER A SLIDING FEE SCALE ARE CLOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE TO GET IN, MOST WITH MONTH LONG WAITING LIST. NOT MANY DOPE DEALERS OFFER BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD, THE HELP AVAILABLE IS INTENDED FOR THE MIDDLE TO UPPER CLASS AND THOSE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE STILL HAVE MAINTAINED EMPLOYMENT. PERSISTANCE AND SHEER LUCK WILL PAY OFF IN THE END, HOPEFULLY YOU WONT GET SO DISCOURAGED YOU STOP TRYING. I FIGURE EVENTUALLY I'LL GET IT OR DIE TRYING. THOSE OF YOU WHO'VE TRIED HUNDREDS OF PLACES THE HUNDRED AND FIRST JUST MIGHT BE THE ONE. YOUR LIFE IS CERTAINLY IS WORTH IT. WISH ME WELL AND SAY A PRAYER FOR ALL OF US.
BALTIMORE, MD USA - Friday, February 27, 2004 at 01:23:14 (HST)my heart goes out to the family ,and to those who have to deal with this day in and day out ,,,love to you all in that bad world ,,,, Lynda Trombley <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Middleburgh, N.Y. USA - Wednesday, February 25, 2004 at 20:10:53 (HST)I too am an addict, but fortunatly I've kept clean now for about five years, all by the grace of God! I know how hard it is to struggle everyday to just stay clean for one more day, one more hour, one more minute even. It's damn hard, but I couldn't have done it if it weren't for the support of my family. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had friends who have passed away from over dosing. It's a very painfull thing to have to go through.
Fresno, Ca USA - Wednesday, February 25, 2004 at 19:44:21 (HST)Im so sorry to hear about ur loss, i had a girlfreind called vicky for about fours year who i l0ved through ll my heart, i lost my v to her and all that. Vicky diedf from od and i was devostatied, ever since im now on the gear and aint got a clue what to do as i just miss her but when i take gear i dont think of her at all, i really need help and i dont know how much more i can take any more and feel like meeting up with Vicky all the time as ive no familey so go t nothing to lose......Oh well shit appens ah, maybe im destined for an earlier death.
jonny fenn <email@example.com>
Oxford, Uk - Monday, February 23, 2004 at 02:59:34 (HST)Just as everone else, I too am sorry for your loss. My boyfriend is a heroin addict. He's been in and out of several istitutions, attempted suicide, stole from me, lied to me...etc, all the typical behaviors of a heroin addict. It's the saddest thing in the world to see how this drug can have such a hold over someones life. I love my boyfriend very much and I always will. But it is obvious to me that after several attempts, he is not ready to stop. I see the pain and the struggle in his eyes, I see how bad he wants to stop, how bad he wishes he could, so that we could have a normal life together, yet he can't help but give in to that urge that leads him to the streets of kensington. He truely is the most amazing man when he is sober. My advice to anyone who has a friend or a loved one with an addiction is to pray. Leave it in Gods hands bc I learned that you yourself cannot beat their adiction no matter how strong you think you are. Therefore the only thing that gives me hope is that my boyfriend will one day look to the Lord. As hard as it is for us (non-addicts) to stick by their(addicts) side and show them all the love in the world, it is a must, just think, if its this painful for us, imagine what torment they are going through. love them, pray for them, don't let them take advantage of you, but don't turn your back on them, they need to know that your there. My prayers go out to all addicts and all of those who have a close friend or a loved one that is struggling with this drug.
phila, pa USA - Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 17:55:40 (HST)I am so sorry for oyur loss, i know what u are going through in a way, i am 21, and my boyfriend, is 35 and he is a heroin addict and i am trying so hard to get him help and he is in a methadone treatment right now, but, he needs to get of of it, because it makes him feel like wanting to use again and i am trying to get him the best help i can here in arizona, because he is willing and he wants it. I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your family and your great loss. OMG, I cant even put into words how much i do feel for you. I have almost lost my boyfriend, soon to be husband, and i know i could not be as strong as you are, and i admire you for that. Please help me for your daughters sake, so we can save at least one suffering herion/methadone addict out togehter, if not for him or i, but, for your daughters' sake. Thank you, please help him and i out, we really do need it!!
Jessica & Joey
Phoenix, az USA - Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 17:24:59 (HST)im a alcoholic. i understand, and am very touched by Erins story. im clean from rock cocain for about a year now but im still very addicted. its hard. very, very, hard. thank you, and god bless erin and here family.
San jose, ca USA - Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 00:18:52 (HST)I am so sorry for your loss. I have a son who has been addicted to drugs since he was 16. He is now 29. I have lived my son's death in my mind a million times over the past 13 years, but realize it is nothing like truly losing him. I read so many of the condolence letters sent to you from other parents of addicts, and would like to invite anyone who has a loved one with this disease to join our on-line emeeting called Families Anonymous. We are a 12 Step program that share our Experience, Strength and Hope with each other as we learn how to live with and love someone with this disease. The most important message I'd like to share is that none of us is responsible for our loved one disease. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, or even control it. I invite anyone reading this to join our group and see if it can help you. Send an email to TABW@insightbb.com and place the word Subscribe in the subject line.TABW stands for "Today a Better Way". If you'd like to vist our Web sight, go to www.familiesanonymous.org. My prayers are with you all.
AZ USA - Thursday, February 19, 2004 at 07:41:36 (HST)After reading this devistating story i couldn't help but add to the other comments. i just baried a close friend Micheal Pennignton in october from a herion overdose and i am a recovering addict myself. God bless Erins family who tried there hardest. Herion is a mercyless drug and i commend everyone who is trying to increase awareness.
Ephrata, pa USA - Wednesday, February 18, 2004 at 08:52:06 (HST)Just came across your website while search for some info on heroin and support. I am so sorry about your daughter, it is so sad what these drugs do to their minds and souls,where do you draw the line? I am going through the same thing right now, my daughter lost her husband last year at the young age of 33 of natural causes and since then she has not been straight, she has two lovely daughters and we all live in the same house( mother daughter) and the kids are with us constanly she does nothing for them, we feed and clothe them and try to spend as much time with them as possible when we are not working, the 11 year old goes to school but the 4 year has to spend her days with her until we get home from work, and it breaks my heart she never gets out of bed except when she has money and goes to buy, sometimes I hate her for what she is putting the family through, I feel that she had a choice and knew what she was getting into, she had seen a lot of her friends succomb to this drug and she choose to try it at the age of 33, what was going through her head, I wonder
Bloomfield, NJ USA - Wednesday, February 18, 2004 at 00:19:30 (HST)Hi Marie,
I want to first say I am so sorry for your loss,I happened upon this site trying to find the support group "Heroin Hurts". I really need this for myself as I am not dealing with my son's addiction very well. He to has been in and out of Rehabs, lied, cheated and stolen from me, I can't take much more. I love him so much but I don't know what to do. I am hoping this group will give me some guidance. I fear the worst. May God bless you and your family.
Karen Levia <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Rising, maryland USA - Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 13:05:14 (HST)u came 2 mi skool u touched me w/ your dauters stori
wilmington, de USA - Thursday, February 12, 2004 at 13:09:32 (HST)I wrote before but did not get a response. I hope everyone is making out as best as understandable. As for myself I am still clean and working my Methadone/Counseling program. Everyday I thank god that the monkey is no longer on my back and how horrible this drug/disease is. It brings tears to my eyse that now i realize howmuch the families suffer. See as an addict i never saw how i affected others i thought my adddiction only affected myself, how stupid I was. I am sorry you lost your daughter to this terrrible plague that has taken over. Keep your strength and your work .
dover, de USA - Tuesday, February 10, 2004 at 09:18:37 (HST)I am a recovering heroin addict about to celebrate nine years of recovery. Somehow I came across the story of Erin and it brought tears to my eyes. I feel the pain that her family must feel and I also feel the pain that Erin had during her struggle with the addiction. My prayers go out to the addicts who still suffer and pray that they make it to the rooms of recovery. Erin is up above looking down and I'm sure she is in a much better place. God Bless
Shannon Hill <Strictlyna@sbcglobal.net>
Reseda, CA USA - Saturday, February 07, 2004 at 17:47:36 (HST)Today my friend died of a heroin overdose. All I want to know is what I can do to help my other friends that are addicted to this drug. I hate seeing the pain that all of us had to go through today, and I will not let it happen again. We love you Chris, and will miss you. I am just sorry that this had to be your escape. We all would have helped if we would have known.
Tooele, UT USA - Saturday, February 07, 2004 at 14:10:51 (HST)Both my son and daughter are recovering heroin addicts. They are 24 and 25. My heart breaks for you because you experienced my biggest fear -- to lose a child to the demon heroin. I seehow much the drug has impacted on my kids'lives, and I thank God that they are currently doing well; but I live in fear that it can all go up in smoke in the blink of an eye. "Junkie" is what the world calls kids like these. We, however, call them our children. People can't understand the sad humanity until they have gone through it.
USA - Saturday, February 07, 2004 at 07:23:08 (HST)Dear Marie,
I am so sorry for your loss, I know it must be rough.
I am 15 years old, I'll be 16 in March and my uncle was a recovering heroin addict until he died in 2000. He and I were very close, I saw him everyday. He lived less than a mile away at my mommom's house.We would always watch cartoons together or take his dog for a walk, Hugs was his name, named for the phrase "hugs not drugs". He had been using since he was a teenager along with many other drugs and alcohol. My mom has told me these horror stories of what it was like to watch her big brother shooting up. She said that he would inject the heroin in between his toes, in between his eyes, and even in the large vein in his neck since he had completely detroyed the veins in his arms. When I remember him, I remember the pot marks on his skin caused by the heroin, I never knew that was what it was until after he died. I also remember the only time he would ever leave the house was to go to the clinic for his methadone.
The anniversary of his death is coming u in march, less than a week after my birthday, and even though he didn't die directly of heroin, he, my family, and I were all greatly affected by this deadly drug.
Again I am very sorry for your loss, your daughter Erin was a truly beautiful girl. Thank You.
wilmington, DE USA - Friday, February 06, 2004 at 11:06:15 (HST)Hi Marie,
It's been awhile since I wrote but I think about Erin, and everyone else that has lost, is losing & suffering because of heroin. My cousin is out of jail now and doing quite wel.. He tried to stay around for awhile but ended up moving to another state. He has picked up a new hobby ( snowboarding) and for once in his life can say he loves his life. I miss him but know that it was best for him to head out. He left here with little more then his bus ticket but he's doing it & it makes me proud. Now I have a girlfriend that is in denial of her problems. We are the same age have been best friends for almost 18 years. We met in junior high. She never stopped smoking pot but that isn't going to kill her. A few years ago she got involved in the club drugs (E and special K) She had a great boyfriend and he wanted her to slow down, he eventually wanted to marry her and have kids. In fact he would have done it right then. She broke it off with his. She continued to use those, even occasionally used ridolin (I'm not sure of the spelling of these things or what exactly each them are. These are just words she uses to tell me what she poisoned her body with that night, so please excuse any mistakes), GHB, Tina, Crystal Meth, Oxycontin. She never drank because her father was an alcoholic and she "didn't want to die like him." Then she started hanging out with a new crowd. She started drinking (she does it each day now), using cocaine (she said this is more acceptable to people), and then more frequent use of oxycontin. Whenever I talk to her she is sniffing. She is broke, she moved in with an admitted oxycontin addict-who also sells cocaine. She now mixes the two (cocaine and oxycontin). She also lies. Her addict friend told me she does all of it everyday but she will tell me..I haven't done anything but smoke pot for 4 days now. Aren't you proud? She is wicked moody too. She and I never had a fight in our 18 years of friendship until recently. She always wants to borrow money and I'm sick of it. She owes me plenty. I'm struggling with 4 kids, a mortgage, car payment, dance classes for my kids, pre-school bills, clothes, food, etc. She has none of that except a car payment (which they are trying to come get because she is 4 months behind). She works 3 jobs and has no money. She just lost one because she kept over sleeping. Her addict friend does nothing but sell drugs and being a user he makes nothing. He keeps saying he is going to go get on meth because it's 35 a week as opposed to the 300 he spends a day on his habits but never goes. It is making me sick that this beautiful 30 year old woman is going to fall to masses with her new addict crowd. I love her but I can't give her any more money and I'm sicking of listening to the excuses as to why she can make $200 in 4 hours waitressing on Friday night and have $5 left on Saturday morning. She doesn't sleep or eat and physically and emotionally she is falling apart. What do you suggest? Sorry for rambling. God blass you.
CT USA - Thursday, February 05, 2004 at 07:39:06 (HST)Jackie- I tried e-mailing you but it wouldn't sent it to you. Please e-mail me (email@example.com)
Shannon Pilley <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Baltimore, MD USA - Wednesday, February 04, 2004 at 06:36:30 (HST)I am the mom of 2 heroin addicts....ages 16 and 19...I wish I could understand what draws these young kids to stick a needle in their arms and steal and lie from everyone they love....I wish I could understand why drug dealers sell to young innocent kids...knowing they are helping them die...I hope someday my boys will understand and get off this DEMON..this is the evilist drug...and has destroyed families. I am soooooo sorry for your loss......I hope I do not go through that.....or is it inevitable??????
brockton, ma USA - Tuesday, February 03, 2004 at 17:45:31 (HST)Sorry for the lost, I dey here my people so keep off....................
Lagos, la Nigeria - Monday, February 02, 2004 at 14:19:06 (HST)Hi Mrs. Allen,
I wrote to you a few months ago and I also talked to a girl on here named Shannon Pilley. I saw you posting Shannon, and Thank You for your prayers. I found out that I'm pregnant in the midst of all this, don't know how b/c I haven't had a period in like forever. Don't know who the dad is...prostitution? or from my boyfriend? I dunno...I'm scared to death. The baby is due on 6/29. I got into ATS Methadone Clinic in Claymont, DE but I haven't been going lately. I've still been using. Amazingly I haven't lost the baby. I don't know what to do with my life, where things are going. But I do know this-I am not the first person this has happened to. Please someone, write to me if you've been here before. Thank you for this site, Mrs. Allen.
Jackie S. <JacquelineE22779@hotmail.com>
Clifton Heights, PA USA - Monday, February 02, 2004 at 11:36:33 (HST)Marie and family, I am so sorry for the loss of Erin, I knew years ago that Erin had died, but I didn't know if it was appropriate to pay my respects. For some reason tonight I thought about Erin, I don't know why; but I knew that her mother Marie was very involved with educating people on Erin's story so I searched the internet for Erin's name. Let me first say I knew Erin during her youth at Mt. Aviat and for years after. She was a very intelligent, funny and passionate girl. She was bright soul and to me had a great future ahead her, she was destined for marvelous things. To Erin's mom and family let me say with out going into further details after her death she immediately saved my life. I don't know why I have taken this long to express this but me thinking about her tonight made me think it was time to try and close this. Marie I would like to talk with you, feel free to email me. I think you know who I am but to be specific and without giving my full identity away, Academy Hills.
Jamie D. <email@example.com>
Arlington, VA USA - Saturday, January 31, 2004 at 14:23:43 (HST)I found this web site researching info about addicts. My 24 year old brother and his girlfried are addicts, and she just gave birth to a drug addictted baby. It KILLS me to see my beautiful nephew suffer from this.My nephew is Two months now and i thiink both of his parents have relapsed. I don't know what to do anymore, and I have tried and done everything to support them. I feel lost and helpless. Does anyone have any advice?
Revere, MA USA - Thursday, January 29, 2004 at 08:05:01 (HST)Hey Chris...good luck with the home detox my friend...but please consider getting the right medical help. I know that it's not easy Chris...but stick with it, and please think about visiting your G.P.
There is really no need for you to use the street meth - besides..you can never be sure what you are getting!
Call by sometime....
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/JUSTTRAINSPOTTING/ Andy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
USA - Tuesday, January 27, 2004 at 10:22:25 (HST)I am 19 years old and have been an addict on and of for 4 years, at the moment i am trying to detox myself at home for about the sixth time, using street methodone.I came across this site while trying to feed my mental addiction to heroin, sounds strange i know. I just wanted to say i feel so sorry for you, your story made me cry and made me think abut how my mum would feel if she lost me. I realise there is greater things in life than heroin, and if help was more easily avaliable then the situation may be attacked, for i fear this problem may spread like an epidemic if something is not done soon. At the moment even though im an addict im doing a degree and hope to become a drugs worker. Through reading your story i feel i have more strength. Thankyou.
Sheffield, UK - Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 15:27:11 (HST) I am an ex-Heroin addict in recovery for the last 15 years and the story really hit home. I remember those days of sticking needles into my arms loaded with Heroin and cocaine, not caring what the consequences were as long as I got that rush. I OD'd about 10 times, cracked my head open, got beat up, was homeless and was in every county jail from NY to California as well as upstate NY prisons. I was the walking dead and didn't care until one day, through the help of my mother's prayers and the love of God, I was able to wake up long enough to see that i was dying and wanted to live. It took me a few tries at recovery and treatment but it finally paid off. today I am married with 2 beautiful daughters own a home and work trying to help others that are sick and suffering trying to find a better way. Today I talk about my past and know that I lived that life but find it hard to believe that I wanted that more than anything. today I am grateful and sober and love myself and life. I hope everyone who is as bad as I was finds the message as well as I did.
Brewster, NY USA - Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 12:26:24 (HST)I have been looking for support and came across your site. Iam so sorry for your loss.My 24 year old son is an addict.Trying and trying for 7 years..I dont know what to do.Your site is beautiful,Iwish you and your family peace and somehow to find comfort in all you did to help your daughter. would love to talk to you.Take care and remember to smile.
Jaime < email@example.com >
ny USA - Tuesday, January 20, 2004 at 15:28:10 (HST)I have been looking for support and came across your site. Iam so sorry for your loss.My 24 year old son is an addict.Trying and trying for 7 years..I dont know what to do.Your site is beautiful,Iwish you and your family peace and somehow to find comfort in all you did to help your daughter. would love to talk to you.Take care and remember to smile.
Jaime < firstname.lastname@example.org >
ny USA - Tuesday, January 20, 2004 at 15:28:05 (HST)i read your story and know the paine i have been in addiction for 12 long years in that time i have robed stole lied and hurt
people close to me .ive been in rehab a number of times only to fail time and time again. i am in my 30;s and still crave the feel of the steel!! in the next month im haveing ago a rehab again.with a better out come this time ihope. i gess it dose not matter wher u live in the world addiction is the same all over living hell.
brisbane, qld aus - Saturday, January 17, 2004 at 19:29:18 (HST)Hi Marie. I wrote to you once before and you kindly wrote me back. Thank you for that and God bless you. I lost my sister, Kyndall- age 23, to heroin 4 months ago. In that time, I have been determined to help prevent and educate about heroin abuse. Please let me share the web site that I made so that we may all help fight heroin together. I pray for all afflicted by this deadly addiction. The more we educate ourselves about heroin the more deaths and addiction may be prevented. God bless, www.InKyndallsName.org Nicole DelBuono <email@example.com>
Toms River, NJ USA - Friday, January 16, 2004 at 03:56:39 (HST)I HAVE BEEN WERE ERIN WAS, AND AM NOW A PARENT.I PRAY EACH DAY MY TEENS AND TOODLER NEVER HAVE TO GO THERE. I ALSO PRAY THAT MY HEART DOES NOT GO WERE YOURS IS AND HAS BEEN. GOD NEEDS ANGELS LIKE ERIEN TO HELP HIM HELP US.MY LOVE GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.GOD HAS GIVEN ERIN WHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD "FREEDOM"NOW SHE IS IN THE RAYS OF THE SUN,THE SONG OF THE BIRDS AND THE LAUGHTER OF CHILDREN SHE WILL ALWAYS BE WERE SHE IS NEEDED.
BRANDI R. <BRANDI_ROSWELL@HOTMAIL.COM>
CANADA - Wednesday, January 14, 2004 at 08:46:26 (HST)My condolences on the loss of your daughter.
There is a treatment for heroin, methadone, oxycontin,etc. addiction known as ibogaine therapy. Check out the website www.ibeginagain.org for more info. I was addicted for over 6 years and it worked for me where nothing else (detox, rehab,12 step, etc) did. Check it out, it's a painless, symptom-free withdrawal and gives other benefits that have helped me stay clean. Thanks.
USA - Tuesday, January 13, 2004 at 13:17:36 (HST)I have just read thru this web site and it makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive.I am a recovering heroin addict with only 4months clean,3 of which were spent in jail.I am 23 yrs old,used heroin since I was 19,and used cocaine,pot,and alcohol since I was 14.Addicition runs very heavily thru my family.I lost my aunt to a heroin overdose when I was 10. Everyone on my father's side of the family is an alcoholic,and I just recently lost my dad less than a month ago due to liver failure from 30yrs+ of hard drinking.I am taking this extremely hard.I am such a daddy's girl.I was his only child.I want so much to use something to make all this pain and hurt go away.I don't want to disappoint my dad or hurt the rest of my family like I 've done so many times before,but I don't know how much more I can take before I break down.
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Monday, January 12, 2004 at 19:08:06 (HST)Since my last post in November of 2001 - my sister has also began using heroin and it is killing her and our family. I wish there was something I could do - but I'm at the point now where I feel helpless and unable to help. All I can do is pray for my brother and sister who are also my best friends - and hope they can some how find the strength to beat this. I don't know how much more I can witness. I know it is tough for the addict, but I'm so hurt and saddened by this; it makes me physically ill. The worst part is watching my parents suffer. They are great people and just want their kids to be safe and healthy. God help us - and everyone out there suffering from this horrible disease.
MI USA - Monday, January 12, 2004 at 06:52:15 (HST)I have just read Erins story and it is tragic, Im going through my detox at the moment after using heroin every day for a year, I am currently taking Subutex. It is very hard especially when you are in a town full of drugs, Im lucky it has took me 12 months to realise it is time to stop taking this "Killer Drug" and to get my life back. The thing is the Subutex i am taking every day are not on prescription they are bought off friends, If i want to get "clean" It is a 8month waiting list before i get Subutex or Methadone Legally, I dont want to wait that long before i can get help, I want to get off heroin now and get my life back. My heart goes out to Erins family, When people goe for help they should get it, Not get told its an 8 month waiting list, By then it might be too late.
Yorkshire, Great Britain - Monday, January 12, 2004 at 05:50:45 (HST)i have a heavy heart when i visited this site..and it just reminds me how deadly it can be to use drugs. it's just the same everywhere. people just die. We had a friend who was just 23 years who was in recovery for sometime and we had a good clean fun on the eve of this new year. After 4 days he is gone! he Overdosed ..so pathetic such a waste of a young life gone forever..many people dying here not many care here..my prayers for all those lost to heroin...i'm so grateful i found recovery from the deadly disease of addiction in narcotics Anonymous...It sure Works
chennai, india - Sunday, January 11, 2004 at 08:30:48 (HST)my name is Erin Allen i carnt belive she had the ezixed same name as mei fell god is telling me something , but i just want to say im sorry about every think
Erin Allen <princesserin@hot mail.com>
london, uk - Saturday, January 10, 2004 at 10:27:27 (HST)I just read this incredibly tragic story. My heart goes out to the parents.
UK - Saturday, January 10, 2004 at 03:18:28 (HST)Can one drink after heroin? I mean, I have seven months clean from heroin, but I still like to drink with my friends (who don't use heroin). Am I setting my self up, or can I do this? Please help....I need advice more than ever.
USA - Friday, January 09, 2004 at 11:38:03 (HST)My heart goes out to the family and friends. I know and feel your pain. I lost my boyfriend/fiance' of 7 years this past Feb. to heroin. God Bless you for this website. We are not alone in this.
Ga USA - Friday, January 09, 2004 at 08:11:28 (HST)Happy New Year to all Erin's family. I know that Erin would be so proud of all the hard work that is being done here. I am sure that this board has saved many lives, and will continiue to do so.
God bless Erin.
Andy. Andy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
London, England - Saturday, January 03, 2004 at 02:13:31 (HST)i read her story and i wept.. and i am still weeping for i am a cocaine addict and the only way i can kick this habbit off is by going to rehab and nothing, nothin not even my families pains have made me shed a tear but now after reading her story and her journal i realized that i should get my life back on track before its too late i don't want to die i am only 17 yrs old
USA - Friday, January 02, 2004 at 23:15:05 (HST)Marie, Hello, i was in the CREST with Erin and i remember a pretty, fun yet troubled girl. I had alreaday been released when she left but I went to her funeral. I am now clean and doing very well afterfighting with heroin for 10 years. I am very sorry you lost your dayghter, I lost my 21 year old sister due to a ar accident, I wish it was me sometimes because she was so good and never even touched drugs. My parents were heartbroken for the 2nd time.I take methadone and it is working alon with my desre to stay clean
Emily C. <email@example.com>
Dover, DE USA - Friday, January 02, 2004 at 10:04:48 (HST)Marie, Hello, i was in the CREST with Erin and i remember a pretty, fun yet troubled girl. I had alreaday been released when she left but I went to her funeral. I am now clean and doing very well afterfighting with heroin for 10 years. I am very sorry you lost your dayghter, I lost my 21 year old sister due to a ar accident, I wish it was me sometimes because she was so good and never even touched drugs. My parents were heartbroken for the 2nd time.I take methadone and it is working alon with my desre to stay clean
Emily C. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Dover, DE USA - Friday, January 02, 2004 at 10:04:15 (HST)im trying to complete an assignment for college about herion abuse, but i realised i was pretty ignorant about the whole concept of it all. im really sorry about what erin had to go through, and to everyone else who has added their experiences here. now i know how many lives it destroys, not only to the victims but to the people close to them. i cant even begin to imagine how hard it must be just to quit an addiction like that, but i do know that, even though you love them so much, you cant just quit because your loved ones want you to. you have to be able to do it for yourself, and if you cant do that youll never do it. thanks for the help, and god bless you all xx
Norfolk, UK - Friday, January 02, 2004 at 04:43:32 (HST)As I read about Errin, tears rolled down my face. My condolances to you and thanks for the positive step by sharing with others. My daughter's in the bedroom she has used Herion but her lastest was P pure, amphetemine that is raging around New Zealand. Her boyfriend is with her, he is addicted to heion and takes this poppy tea stuff.I am exchusted she got pycotic for 3 weeks comming off p. Finally I got help, I had the works, I had to take axes off her and call the police to carlm her down. When they finally wanted to put her in hospital, I told them not to bother, with the right medication she carmed down a lot. She is going in to rehab. perhaps in 4 days time. I am bringing up her 4 year old daughter. Her boyfriend has just got out of jail he was their a week. His mother is bringing his 3 year old up. I got to talk to his mum which was great as I could share what I have found out ie child is top prority.
Thanks so much to you all
Wellington, New Zealand - Wednesday, December 31, 2003 at 11:24:38 (HST)When I was 13 I was under the impression that drugs were done by older people (17, 18 etc). Now i'm 14 and know from first hand experiance that is not the case. My best friend got addicted to herion and now I'm addicted too.
London, UK - Wednesday, December 31, 2003 at 01:44:40 (HST)I am a 25 yr old single mother of a beautiful 5 yr old boy. I had had my experiences with drugs as a teenager but have been clean for 7 years. My drugs consisted of marijuana, methamphetimines, acid, pills and alcohol. I am sure I was addicted but having this beautiful child, I cannot even imagine ruining my life or his. The reason I am on this website, is my ex husband is a heroin addict. He has always been an addict of some sort. I moved to Indiana when I was 18 and met my husband. We would use acid, marijuana, pills and alcohol together. I had a really bad experience on acid and decided that I did not want to ruin my mind, so I quit. Eighteen months later, I gave birth to my son and knew that I wanted to stay clean. My husband, who was injured in an accident, was addicted to pills and marijuana. I tried desperatley to help him get clean but to no avail. In 2002, I heard rumors that he was using heroin. It made sense, all of our money was gone. I warned him that if I did find out he was using heroin, I would leave. In January 2003, I found out he was using. I packed everything I could fit in my car and moved back home to Missouri. Four days later, he broke into the house where I was staying to kidnap our child. The police came but he escaped and headed back to Indiana. He has been in jail since then and was just released a week ago. He states that he is clean and that he wants his family back. I love him so much but I do not want my child to have to experience the life of an addict. I guess my question is, can a former heroin addict really stay clean? Please help!
Gideon, MO USA - Tuesday, December 30, 2003 at 07:32:41 (HST)Zoey: Please check into an inpatient rehab. I know you tried it before, but you must try again and you will succeed. I will say a prayer for you. I know you can do it. Best of luck.
USA - Sunday, December 28, 2003 at 13:08:50 (HST)I feel so low. I am desperately struggling with heroin addiction. I'm pregnant at the moment and have spent the last 5 months trying to stop using, for my baby's sake. I'm failing. I'm failing everyday. Rehab (twice) hasn't helped at all. I was so sure I could "stop" when the time was right. The time is right now. Why doesn't H leave me alone ?
USA - Sunday, December 28, 2003 at 11:04:44 (HST)Thank you for your website. A month ago I found out my 20 yr. old son is a heroin addict. I have never experienced such pain in my life. I have been breathing, eating, and sleeping heroin addiction ever since searching for parents who are going through what I am. My son is no longer the same person and I don't know how to live with this pain. I feel helpless. I want to do something besides watch him slowly kill himself.
USA - Saturday, December 27, 2003 at 02:54:03 (HST)I am greatly touched by erin's story. I hope my husband would not go the same way as Erin was. He is a heroin addict and I tried so hard to helped him. We send him to rehab many times as I remember but his addiction still continues... The only thing could help him is God and himself......
Alice Camila <email@example.com>
Narrowsburg 12764, NY USA - Friday, December 26, 2003 at 13:15:42 (HST)My condolences to everyone out there that has lost a person to one of America's biggest epidemic. I have just found out that a good friend that I had grown up with overdosed last week and has died. It is a hard thing to deal with because it is a disease. How do you cure something when you only get sicker then hell doing it. Me myself, I have never done it, will never do it, only because I have seen the cause and effects of Herion personally and I don't want to go down that path. But I will never judge anyone who has done it or is still doing it. It is a sickness most Americans shun and won't help take care of.
Bonnie York <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Keene , NH` USA - Thursday, December 25, 2003 at 08:25:24 (HST)I hope everyone has a good holiday this year. I know the holidays can be especially hard for some but let's try to relax a little this year. I hope this holiday is filled with love, luck and personal balance. These things can only be obstained if your life is free and clear of heroin. Love you all and thanks for all the support.
NYC, USA - Wednesday, December 24, 2003 at 04:40:55 (HST)I just wanted to say that your story regarding Erin touched my heart and soul. My best friend died of a heroin OD about 5 years ago. I can't forget the night I received the phone call, it was my mother and I knew what she was going to say before she even said it.
mn USA - Monday, December 22, 2003 at 19:16:35 (HST)i was looking for an addict to talk to instead i found condolence to a mother of another gone addict so sorry x
canterbury, england - Sunday, December 21, 2003 at 14:19:53 (HST)My condolences to Erin's family for their loss. i was a drug addict/alcoholic for 17 years and was on heroin for the last 6 of those 17 years. i have been clean now for just over 2.5 years and would just like to say that it is possible to stay clean and recover from heroin addiction.no one said that it was going to be easy.on somedays it is just going to have to be good enough to just be clean and sober, and on those days please try to remember that "this too shall pass".god bless us all and god bless Erins family.
RD Davies <email@example.com>
Artesia, CA USA - Thursday, December 18, 2003 at 22:37:14 (HST)I read about your daughter and I am truely sorry. I have been clean of heroin for eight months now but before that I was a addict for six years. The last two years of my addiction were the worst I lived on the streets of kensington prostituting myself for money for my habit. I lost everything my house, my car my son. I sold everything I could get my hands on. I was also on Methadone maintnace but I was taking Xanax's and valuim with my methadone and after a while I just stopped going. I don't know what is different this time But it is. I am on Methadone Maintnace again and I'm not taking anything but the methadone I've been clean for almost a year. I am trying to put the past behind me which is hard I was arrested in Kensington twiice Once for drug possession and once for prostitution and I still have warrants for not going to court. I don't want to go to jail., I just started seeing my son again and life is just starting to go back to normal. I am sorry for yor lose. I know she is in heaven watching over you
philadelphia, pa USA - Thursday, December 18, 2003 at 15:08:20 (HST)****LOLA TEA**** Please seek help immediately...you are doing so well..please don't jeoperdise the 5 months you have worked so hard for..and also your future. A relapse doesn't necessarily mean using...by just thinking about using you are showing signs of relapse. Don't worry though..this is good..it means that you can take action to prevent a further occurance. Talk to your friends, family..or just go and see a drug councillor. Email me if you need..but please address the issue that made you drive around in search of heroin..because it could happen again.
My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you just need to chat.
God Bless Erin.
London, England - Saturday, December 13, 2003 at 01:55:48 (HST)I am so sorry for Erin's family. My daughter 25 is an heroin addict also. She is helping herself and in Rehab now, doing very well. I tried and tried to help her as much as a Mom could, till finally I said "Tara you have to choose whats important in your life, the drug or loosing your Mom" "I never want to see you again if you choose to use heroin". She cried "Oh Mom, I would rather die than to never see or hear from you again. She's clean now and doing well.
Brenda Truax <Luckyladi822@aol.com>
Tonawanda, USA - Thursday, December 11, 2003 at 10:05:17 (HST)its the heroin capital of the world don't give up on yourself or anyone else
baltimore, md USA - Thursday, December 11, 2003 at 09:58:05 (HST)i live in baltimore and i've ran to just about 10 different cities from heroin, this is the easiest place in the world to by drugs. I'm an 8 year addict who has lost many people to this disease. I have recently gotten on a methadone program and it has helped me from my feelings of hopelessness. Give it a try there is always hope
baltimore, md USA - Thursday, December 11, 2003 at 09:48:57 (HST)i never touched heroin once and it ruined my life. it took my best friend way from me. me and ryan were best friends and dated off and on for 4 years. this summer i found out he was using heroin and there was nothing i could do but accept it. in september i went to his house after work and he was sitting around getting high with 2 friends. 1 hour later ryan fell asleep and soon after his friend called for me to come downstairs. my poor baby layed there in his living room with brown gunk flowing out of his nose and his friends ran out of the door as soon as i dialed 911. i sat there giving him mouth to mouth while fluids came up into my own mouth drenching me with vomit. 10 mins. later the ambulence arrived and it took 10 minutes to rececitate him. i am only 17, this is not what 17 year olds should have to think about everyday of the rest of their lives. ryan hasn't stayed clean but i have stayed by his side. i have never called for god as many times as i did that day. he dosnt even remember it but i wont ever forget. just like we dont know how it is to be on the inside, a junkie has no idea what its like on the outside looking in. there is only one thing in this world that i hate and it is heroin because it took the one thing i love more then myself and made him disappear forever because he will never be the same person again.
ridley, pa USA - Wednesday, December 10, 2003 at 19:07:31 (HST)Hi Marie,
I am so thankfull that i have found such a website as this i think that you have done a fantastic job, i am sure Erin will be very proud of you.
I have a brother Christopher whom is a Heroin addict and has been for about the last six years, unfortunatally there is no miracle cure for this illness and we as a familly have had to live the nightmare for the past six years with him.
On Christmas eve almost three years ago he also lost one of his friends to the illness and he lives with guilt everyday.
We as a familly had almost locked ourselves away from the outside world because we had no-one to turn to.
So we decided that we would do something for the famillies and we set up a familly support group by the name of L.I.S.A. and this has proven very popular with both addicts themselves and their famillies whom thought they were living the nightmare alone.
Should anyone wish to speak with me please do not hesitate to contact me.
Thomas Mc Fadden <email@example.com>
glasgow, Britain - Wednesday, December 10, 2003 at 13:15:58 (HST)Last night, after feeling lonely, desperate and hopeless, I got in my car and began that horrible search for heroin. I was in a neighborhood I did not know, and thank God I did not find any. I would have thrown away 5 months of a heroin free life.
NYC, NY USA - Wednesday, December 10, 2003 at 06:30:37 (HST)I never realised how much I hurt my family until I started reading other (mostly) mothers accounts of the destruction heroin had caused to their children. I actually sit here in another country and physically hurt for you and Erin. There are no words. In the end heroin addiction should be treated as a health problem and not a criminal one. When this happens we will see addicts and families get the help and support they DESERVE. I hope you fill the hole that Erin left with beautiful memories, my love and understanding to you, Brooke.
Brooke Foster <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Melbourne, Australia - Monday, December 08, 2003 at 17:43:02 (HST)Hi Marie,
I just wanted to say that i feel for your loss.
Im 22 years old and like so many others I have been battleing heroin for 5yrs now.
Im currently on my 2nd methadone programme going on 2years.The problem is as soon as i have money I go running back, and i have gotten to the stage where I truely wonder whether I can live life without it, this makes me so depressed coz'I dont want to be stuck in the clutches of it for ever.
I also had a cocaine habit, and was doing a 1/2 gram to 1 gram a day plus @ least a 1/2 gram more of heroin as well, i had been takin money from my work and finally got caught and fired, i was a nervous mess, I realised i could drop the coke if I HAD to but it is the same if I have the money i will do it.
Neway hopefully one day I can get rid of this terrible affliction.
I wish you the best of luck in the future and thanx for setting up this site.
peace,luv,light,unity and respect to you and your family.
London, Britain - Monday, December 08, 2003 at 17:17:52 (HST)Marie, I, too, have lost my 35 year old son Jon to heroin. He died 7 months ago after struggling with addiction for over 20 years. He even spent 6 years in recovery, but decided about 3 years ago that he wanted to try to drink again (his drug of choice had been alcohol). For some reason he was never able to stay sober for more than a few months, but he did go to AA regularly. Then just like your daughter, he left an AA meeting to go visit a friend from rehab. She was doing heroin, and he said he wanted to try it. She told him not to, that it was the devil's work, but for reasons I nor anyone will ever understand, he did it anyway. We did not know this for a few months, but when we found out, we knew that with his history with addiction, this was very bad news. He really hated what he had done, and he did go through de-tox twice. The last time he asked to come live with us, that he needed the security and that he was so incredibly lonely. He stayed with us until he decided to use again last April and within a few days, he was dead of an overdose of cocaine and heroin. We had tried to take him to de-tox, but he wouldn't go. Sadly, the last time we saw him alive, we were extremely angry with him, and I even asked him whether he wanted to be cremated or buried since he was killing himself, and I slammed out of his condo. However, during the time he had stayed with us, I had talked to him many times about his addiction, and I saw what pain he was in. I had asked him if it helped him resist using by thinking of the hurt he caused others, and he thought a moment and said very sadly,"No." For some reason that has helped in my grief because I know how painful this all was for him. He went to AA and NA for well over 10 years and really wanted to live a life like everyone else, but just couldn't seem to pull it off. He told me that he understood his addiction less than anyone and that part of his problem was the way he thought. I just wonder if anyone else who has lost someone to addiction has felt some sort of peace that their loved one is out of pain because that is where I am. It's not that I'm not grieved about my loss, but my son and our family struggled so long with the fear of what could happen that I do feel a sense of peace. Ironically, my husband is a social work professor and was writing the first chapter of a book on men and substance abuse when our son died,so no matter how much knowledge you have about the subject, it doesn't protect the addict; that is the power of the disease. I would like to hear from anyone who has had a similiar experience as mine. I have a lot of friends whose children have addiction problems but none who have lost a child to this disease, so I could really use some feedback.
Ann Ligon <email@example.com>
Atlanta, Ga USA - Friday, December 05, 2003 at 14:55:29 (HST)Its a sort of sick facination that keeps me coming back to this site."How many more people have been added?"
I was a stone junkie for 10 years...same story as everyone else...clean 2 and a half years now. It hasn't been easy..in fact it's sucked...but every day I find some reason to get out of bed. I am so sorry for all the people i hurt...all that i stole from. God Bless us All.
oh USA - Friday, December 05, 2003 at 04:17:18 (HST)Happy Christmas to all. Christmas is the hardest time for both addicts and parents. God bless Erin and her family.
London, England - Thursday, December 04, 2003 at 00:13:43 (HST)I am sending my condolence to you and your family!
I am a recovering addict and anyone who wishes to share anything that is on your mind, please feel free to e-mail me!
Shay Gees <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Phila, PA USA - Monday, December 01, 2003 at 14:00:39 (HST)I had written a little over a month ago about having a friend that was addicted to herion and being at witts end trying to help them. While through the advise I was given in this register, and long discussions I was able to talk her into going into a Methadone program. This was because she was just not able to detox and I was getting tired of being used as a friend. While a month later she is in a Methadone program that costs her only $15/week and I think along with her helped turn her life around. She had not worked, other than selling herself in three years, but she has got a job through me that she did great with the first week(last week, She is learning to drive and talking about going to college in the Spring and getting a car. I have talked to her about not trying to rush things, but she is wanting to do so much, as fast as possible to make up for lost time. She and I know methadone is not the final answer, but it is a good step for her and maybe you if you are an addict. It takes you from getting a street drug that is ruining your veins, having you wait for the damm dealer,losing any drive or care///to something that is regulated, alot alot cheaper,and somewhat accepted. Many people will use the excuss that it is still a drug and I would rather detox, but if you are not strong enough, try this as it may help you like it helped her. Marie thank you for this website and I hope it will help others as it did my friend.
Phoenix, AZ USA - Saturday, November 29, 2003 at 03:09:31 (HST) Heroin
It starts to happen but you are far from beginning to understand or notice it creeping up on you, like a silent bubble in the wind. Decieved by its entertainment and pleasure, you begin to fall into its' dark evil chambers, but not even aware you are falling. It seems to add excitement to your life. You feel good in ways you've never felt before. All your fears are gone. It seems nothing could be better than this. A probelm comes about in your life, you feel sad and hopeless. You do not want to live, but somehow you can't die. You use it to make you feel good again and escape the problem. It works marvelous wonders on you. Now the problem is gone and in the past it seems. But now you need it all the time to cope with life. Your body and mind become totally dependant on it for feeling good physically and mentally. You begin to worry a little about if you can keep getting it forever, but do it again and forget about that stuff. You begin to forget your friends and your family. At this point you are already locked in its' evil chambers at the bottom of its' dark evil hole. When money bebins to become an issue and you are too lazy for a job you resort to stealing, after all what are your f....... choices? Deal with life without it, you would surely fail. From here the choice is yours. Will you let it conquer you and take your life, or will you break free of the chambers, climb the hole and fill it with dirt? The choice is yours. Nobody is going to stop you. Hunter 1982-2002
----- Original Message -----
Christa a mom <email@example.com>
USA - Friday, November 28, 2003 at 17:48:01 (HST)im truly sorry for your loss. i know what its like to deal with someone usung heroin. god is with you though.
az USA - Tuesday, November 25, 2003 at 07:32:24 (HST)Im sorry to here about your daughter. I have fought my heroin and many other drug addictions for 6 years now. Im still fighting it but i havent given up. I know that i have no reason as to why i still use drugs but i it is hard to stop, ive been to 10 rehabs in my 6 years and none have helped me yet. Your story made me think about the things i do...and it makes me want to try harder.
Munich, Germany - Monday, November 24, 2003 at 17:04:10 (HST)typo in address
Alina Easterbrook <firstname.lastname@example.org>
USA - Monday, November 24, 2003 at 12:52:48 (HST)Marie, I would like to express my deepest sympathies to you. I am so sorry that you had to lose a child, and battle for countless years with the demons that she fought internally. I am going to post this site in as many places as I can think of, in hopes that others may be able to benefit from what is certainly a horrible disease. Heroin is like a brain tumor, spreading and spreading until it consumes everything that the person is and was. I wish I could do something to ease the pain, but all I can offer is my support in the war against heroin. May God give you the strength and courage to carry on.
Alina Easterbrook <calixtcspeedblastriot>
Westwood, NJ USA - Monday, November 24, 2003 at 12:51:17 (HST)Truly a sad story. They ought to make today's high schoolers read this story. Thanks for sharing. Steve <email@example.com>
sd, ca USA - Tuesday, November 18, 2003 at 07:45:48 (HST)i understand what youre daughter went thru but i have a hard time understanding what you went thru as a parent i am also a heroin and dilodid addict i am struggling everyday to stay clean i have overdosed 3 times in 98` i was unconsious for 5 days i am tired of hurting my family and im tired of paying the consiquinces of my actions i am aware i need help but with no insurance it is very hard to get into treatment i have been to jail 3 times but i am not on probation so the state will not pay for it my heart goes out to you and youre family this is a disease that effects the entire family please say a prayer for me as will i for you love Jason warren dietrich
jason warren dietrich <firstname.lastname@example.org>
daytona beach , fl USA - Monday, November 17, 2003 at 13:27:14 (HST)Rapid Opiate Detox w/ Naltrexone pellets has miraculously helped my boyfriend!!!!! Hopefully it will help you. Here is more info. www.lancegooberman.com God Bless you all. I pray for all who are suffering! If you know an addict, please take my advice, DO NOT PUSH THEM AWAY, do not abandon them, if they try running from you, you chase them down and hold them tell them you love them and are going to help them through this! Most ppl do the opposite, that is only going to make them feel more empty and isolated and probably make them use more. THEY NEED LOVE THEY NEED ATTENTION THEY NEED TO BE TOLD AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE THAT THEY WILL AND ARE GOING TO WIN THIS BATTLE!!!!
elkton, md USA - Monday, November 17, 2003 at 12:37:05 (HST)Heorin is such a terrible thing. I could not see at the time (when I used) just how many people suffer as a result of one person's actions. It is but for the grace of God that I am still here, and fully recovered. I visit Erin's page every month...and always think about how her story has touched so many hearts. I know that this page was certainly instrumental in my recovery...I am sure it will continue to inspire many others to take the first step towards living a heroin free life.
God Bless Erin.
Andy. Andy <email@example.com>
London, England - Sunday, November 16, 2003 at 01:43:54 (HST)I am a heroin addict. I went to rehab once and came out and began using all over again. I just want people to know that it isn't easy to stop. It controlls you. I was an honor roll student, cheerleader. The last person people thought would get caught up in something like heroin. But I did, and in the process lost my family, and dozens of friends. There is no positive side of doing heroin. Just a long dark tunnel that you walk down alone.
Erin M <Nebabygurl03@hotmail.com>
North East, MD USA - Wednesday, November 12, 2003 at 16:11:20 (HST)I'm really sorry to hear your story, i was a student at Delcastle when you gave your speech about your story and i wrote before but i have problem myself i need to get out but can't tell anyone my friends are getting into what your daughter was into and i tried to help but they clean up and start again, i'm lost for things to do and i'm hoping telling thier parents will stop it all. I remembered your story and thought if you knew before it could have helped. So i want to help before serious stuff happens, i hope i'm doing the right thing. They think no one cares but I do and i want to help.
new castle, de USA - Saturday, November 08, 2003 at 08:39:39 (HST)First i would like to send my deepest sympathy to the family and friends of erin. i can relate alot to erins story i'm 18 years old and 6 days out of a 6 month treatment center in sabilasville maryland. i have been strung out on heroin for 2 years, this is my 3rd rehab that i have completed. i've seen erins story many times. but still everytime i read it i get the chills. i just want to say that i'm very sorry for the death of erin, but thank you for educated those who have not picked up yet.
northeast , md USA - Friday, November 07, 2003 at 10:34:53 (HST)A poem to my son and to others to let you know that addicts are in pain.
"My Perfect Son"
You were my blood and part of my soul, and my heart beat for two.
Now tat your gone, my heart beats for one and no longer know what to do.
There are these days where grief is so strong, that mom sits and thinks about all she did wrong.
I've come to the point where there's no one to blame. That's Heroin and part of her game.
Today they call her the devils dust, getting her everyday becomes a must.
Your heart was breaking at what mom was going through, but heroin stole your soul, you didn't know what to do.
You became corrupt and started to steal,
needing even more, you probably started to deal.
I would see you at times so very sick,
sweating, vomiting, crying and then your legs would kick.
I saw you double over with intense stomach pains,
and knew you were thinkng on how to get those white grains.
Your nerves wre screaming, your bones became so sore,
you could no longer walk, I watched you crawl on the floor.
I too, was feeling so much of your pain,
that I, like you started feeling insane.
There was no end to the torture you were in.
And all that torture lead you to sin.
Thn one day God looked at you wth tears in his eyes.
It was time he said, for you to say your goodbyes.
So he came to you with his plan and a hand,
and took you home to that promised land.
Now I look back at all you went through and all you had done,
And yes, still today you are "My Perfect Son"
NJ USA - Friday, November 07, 2003 at 03:34:29 (HST)God bless Erin.
Friendly group for ex-addicts, addicts, friends and family. The group primarily focuses on heroin addiction. All are werlcome.
Hope to meet you sometime.
Thankyou for your time. Andy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
London, England - Friday, November 07, 2003 at 01:23:26 (HST)I AM SORRY FOR YOU LOSE I HAVE BEEN EVERY PLACE YOUR WONDERFUL SOULED ERIN HAS BEEN THE ONLT THING I CAN SAY IS JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT TOGHTHER SOME THIGN ALWAYS HAPPENS AND YOU USE AGAIN I WAS CLEAN FOR 8YRS THATS A LONG TIME THEN I FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER GOT REALLY SICK STARTED TAKING PAIN PILL LIKE THEY WERE CANDY AND OF COURSE THEY DID NOT FILL THE VIOD FINALY I GOT BACK ON METHODONE MMT AND ONE THIGN THAT I HAVE LEARN A BIG THING TO STAY AS CLEAN AS YOU CAN BEOING A JUNKIE A DRUNK A PILL POPER WHAT EVERY YOU DRYG OF CHIOCE THAT YOU CAN NEVER JUST STOP YOU HAVE TO BE ON SOME THING AND FOR ME THE CHIOCE IS METHADONE I HAVE NEVER HAD A DIRTY UA ON THE MMT PROGRAME IT COAST ME AND MY HUSBAND 56 BUCKS A WEEK I CAN WORK FEAL GOOD ABOUT ME AND DO THE RIGHT THINGS ON THIS REMBER YOUR ENDORFINE WELL HERION AND DOWNES REPLACE THIS AND THEY DONT JUST COME BACK WHEN YOU STOP USING FOR A FEW MONTHS OR EVEN YRS YOU HAVE TO REPLACE IT I THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHIGN I HAVE BEEN ABALY TO SAVE AND NOT LOSE IN LIFE AND JUST LIFE ITSELF BUT I KNOW I WILL BE ON METHADONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAT WILL NOW BE LONGER AGAIN I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS AND MAY YOU FIND ALL THE PEACE AND HAPPYNESS YOU NEED IN LIFE
LOVE WITH LIGHT JORJA COMSTOCK JORJA <GEONETINCJC@MSN.COM>
KC, MO USA - Thursday, November 06, 2003 at 10:04:10 (HST)Hi Marie- Thanks again for this site. I met a wonderful girl who cried for help in her letters. I started writting to her telling her ways that would help her get clean. The last time I talked to her she was going through withdraw. I'm praying that she didn't go back. She sounds to me that she is a great person with a very loving heart but has a very bad disease. She has not written back to me in a few weeks. I know that she reads this site often. I hope that she sees this. And to the girl... if you read this you know who you are. I hope that you are okay and getting things together for yourself. Remember I'm here if you need anyone to talk to. God Bless...
Baltimore, MD USA - Thursday, November 06, 2003 at 07:42:52 (HST)I would like to start by saying that I am truly sorry to hear of the pain and suffering all of you have endoured especially Erin. I am a 20 year old girl who volunteers a lot of my time on the East Side in Vancouver Canada. I deal with cases like Erin's everyday and it never seems to get any easier. I am going to school to become a drug and substance abuse counsilor and I will keep Erin's story in my mind and heart always.
Coquitlam, BC Canada - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 20:07:50 (HST)i'm so sorry for the lost of ur dear daughter...its so heartbreakin!
p-town, LA USA - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 14:37:56 (HST)I am really sorry of the lost of your daughter.One of my friends died of heroin overdose, I felt guilty for not being able to help him, but I was scared myself to used it.
I can only imagine the pain that you must be going trough, but thank you for sharing your story.
Nancy Anabel <email@example.com>
CA USA - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 11:05:50 (HST)My heart goes out to you. This July I found out that my 20 yr old daughter has been using heroin for the past 3 years. I found out because she had a bad reaction while using it and was taken to the hospital, she almost died. She put herself into detox and then into rehab. After rehab she came home to live with me and now 3 monthes later has moved out and is using again. All of us in her family are living a life of pain and heartache due to her drug addiction. My mind is always on her, my heart aches and my days are spent worrying. I pray she is able to break this addiction, I don't want to lose my daughter.
johnstown, pa USA - Wednesday, November 05, 2003 at 04:28:05 (HST)I just wanna say that im sorry for your loos.i CANT IMAGIN WHAT IT MUST FEEL LIKE.but i do know what it is like to be a heroin addict.ive been one for 4 year and im only 19.i doing good right know but i have done good before and failed.alls i can say is her story has been an inspiration and i want to thank you for sharing it.god bless
rochester, ny USA - Monday, November 03, 2003 at 16:17:43 (HST)We have a Grandaughter Erin, And feel so sorry. But for the grace of God ?
Brian R. Allen <firstname.lastname@example.org>
York, U. K. - Sunday, November 02, 2003 at 15:49:54 (HST)I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Erin. I lost my 21 yr old son Jason to a heroin overdose 2 years ago. There's nothing more difficult than watching your child kill himself with drugs, and nothing you do seems to help. We will see our Angels again in Heaven. You and your family are in my prayers. Take care.
FL USA - Saturday, November 01, 2003 at 15:04:22 (HST)Have not added any comments lately but when I read a comment like Judy left, as a mom, it makes you want to grab on to that kiddo and squeeze the drugs out of them. As parents, sometimes we are helpless and can only watch our children lose the battle with the drug demons. Heroin is truly a demon which takes away our children. I lost my only child to heroin just 10 months ago. You never get over the loss and can only hope that now they are in a much better place and free from the constant battle with the demons. Our children suffered fighting the demons and now that they are safe we are fighting the demon of grief.
Carol Michael's mom <email@example.com>
Minneapolis, Mn USA - Saturday, November 01, 2003 at 07:52:32 (HST)Dear Marie, I've navigated around the site to finally read YOUR story about Eric. You are very strong and I can feel your pain as I read your story. I too would love to be able to reach out to others who could use some support. How did you get this started? I feel so helpless (and) powerless over my son's heroin addiction that it is eating me alive...my mind is consumed with this drug and what it does to the people/families that love the people who are under the stronghold of this drug. It is purely satan himself with our kids. I would love to hear from you, may God Bless you and your family. Thank you for a place to express myself in some way. Judy
md USA - Friday, October 31, 2003 at 10:53:18 (HST)I just came upon this site. My son is addicted to heroin. I'm watching him wither away. What DEMONIC drug that takes your soul from who you really are. I pray for all addicts and their families...this is truly a family disease. I feel like I haven't done much to help him, although he seems to have the answers! NOT! Since he is 21, there's not much I can make him do. He just moved out yesterday, and driving across the country to get away from our area....right now, I'm just speechless and so worried. One thing that may help some families to those we love that are addicted is a 12 step mtg. for us called Nar-anon or Al-anon. It helped me with his father back in '91. thank you for this site. I will come back. God Bless to you All.
MD USA - Friday, October 31, 2003 at 10:10:12 (HST)free free at last
liverpool, england - Friday, October 31, 2003 at 08:59:21 (HST)I read the story of your daughters passing on. It was very powerful. I have been addicted to heroin for 8 years, I know, its very hard.It starts as something innocent..an innocent little monkey..then turns to a monsterous gorilla. I have been on methadone for over a year and do not use heroin at all. For me it was the only way to stay clean. I feel for you and your loss...she seems to be a truly beautiful girl that got caught up in this horrible subculture. May the wings of a thousand angels carry her to the promised land. R.I.P
Dannie Relapse <DannieRelapse@earthlink.net>
Dallas, TX USA - Thursday, October 30, 2003 at 16:16:14 (HST)i am only 16, i stumbeled across this page.. looking for info about heroin for a school project.When i read erins story i felt a feeling of luckiness to be still alive i suppose is a great gift. i have never done any drugs becuase everyday i hear and see the people that are addicted and it makes me wonder why the world is such a cruel place. my uncles have all been on heroin and im sure one of them still is.. i havent seen them for around 8 years i dont know if they r alive or dead. heroin is such a big killer in the world and society needs to do more to help these addicts. Marie im so sorry for the loss of your daughter i cant imagine how hard it must have been to watch ur daughter go down that path of self destruction.just think of the good times.....my thoughts are with you... KELLY
sydney, vic australia - Thursday, October 30, 2003 at 13:09:36 (HST)hello i stummbled on2 this web site and blown away when i started readin Erin diary,i am 25 and live in england i was addicted 2 heroin and crack an was usein drugs 4over 10 years loseing my childhood an growing up addicted..
i tryed2 clean up every which way scrips/methidone/detox/friends dieing but couldn't i went 2 my first N/A meeting (there are only3 a week in the second biggest city in britian ) about4 years ago and got clean in 2001 thats 2 and a half years CLEAN i couldn't even get1day before so there is freedom from the addiction, my heart goes out2 Erin's loved ones..... peace Tom O'hanlon <firstname.lastname@example.org>
birmingham, uk - Thursday, October 30, 2003 at 05:32:41 (HST)My heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter. I have not lost my son yet to his addiction, but I know it is just a matter of time. See, we have been going through this from seven years, and he is only 23. This past April he went into rehab and for the first time came home with the attitude that his live was going to change forever, he was going to meetings, seeking out support etc. That last six months (as usual). We are again back to square one, back on dope! It is so hard to let go normally, but I feel I being forced to put him out because emotionally and physically I can no longer watch him destroy his life. At this point, I really do not see any good outcome and reading your story makes me hurt even more. It's tough, but after much sole searching I realized that all the love in the world cannot make him change, only he can. I told him this and pray each night I don't get that call to come and identify my son, but after seven years of his addiction, I can no longer take it. It has begun to destroy my life. I love my son and always will, but have finally realized that alone cannot help him.
Bath, PA USA - Wednesday, October 29, 2003 at 08:02:57 (HST)Hello. I wanted to give my condolences to the family of Erin. I know what its like to lose a loved one from the grasps of heroin. I know what it feels like to have so much pain in your heart knowing that you could of done something to stop it...but there isn't a way you could of. I lost too many loved ones from heroin and cocaine and every drug imaginable...I cope with their deaths every day and I try to look at the brighter side...I will always have their memories...I have their soul wrapped with mine...I have theirs thoughts and I have theirs prayers...
my deepest sympathes
USA - Monday, October 27, 2003 at 13:42:17 (HST)Sorry...this is the correct url...
USA - Saturday, October 25, 2003 at 23:58:12 (HST)God Bless Erin and her family. I visit this page regularly and gain sp much strength (as an ex-addict myself) from all the wonerful and warm comments posted.
Please visit our small but friendly addiction based group. For addicts, ex-addicts, friends and family.
All are welcome.
Andy. Andy <email@example.com>
London, England - Saturday, October 25, 2003 at 23:56:33 (HST)Hi Marie, I just wanted to say i am sorry about ur daughter and that if you needed to talk i am here i lost my brother to the same thing and my boyfriend is now in rehab trying to recover from the addiction!! I Know what you are going through and it is sad. My brother had many talents and interests also that he could have been great at and made something of himself with, it is just sad that such a stupid thing can ruin what could have been great.
Milton, PA USA - Saturday, October 25, 2003 at 11:18:13 (HST)Hi marie if you get this message can you please e mail me. I want to talk to you. I have just had a baby boy and I been clean for 14 months.
kimberly rutland <kimberlyq7@.com>
newark, de USA - Friday, October 24, 2003 at 10:34:46 (HST)Hi marie if you get this message can you please e mail me. I want to talk to you. I have just had a baby boy and I been clean for 14 months.
kimberly rutland <kimberlyq7@.com>
newark, de USA - Friday, October 24, 2003 at 10:34:45 (HST)I am sorry to read about your daughter. I am soon to be an addictions counselor in Baltimore. Grew up around drugs all my life. There are certianly too many good people out there unfortunately getting caught up in an irreversible cycle of using. A good friend of mine started his own addiction when he donated his own liver to his dying father, became addicted to morphine in the hospital, and was released only to begin years of abuse with just about every drug on the street. Substance abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to any one of us and its great that you are sharing your story with others. People are still affected by what they see and hear even when you think they are not listening.
Baltimore, USA - Friday, October 24, 2003 at 09:30:59 (HST)I wanted to write a followup to an email I had written a long time ago. I had asked for prayer for my best friend, my son's dad, John, who was struggling with addiction. I had asked for prayer to get him off the streets and into Peniel in Johnstown, an excellent christian program.
John almost made it to the treatment center. He found, miraculously, a church in Pittsburgh to sponor him, St. Vincent DePaul, who was willing to pay most of the expenses. Sadly, John died the weekend before he was to go into Peniel. I guess somehow or another there is a reason for everything. Thinking he was going into treatment for a year, he visited that prior weekend, built a tree house with his son, played ball, attended his son's baseball game and we shared in a lot of happiness and hope. He died a few days later. God works in mysterious ways. I had asked for prayer that he be released from his pain and while death was not what I had expected, it was God's will.
I continue to pray for all addicts and trust that they will seek help outside themselves and know that within them are very good, loving, strong individuals who can make it...they just need to turn to God and get all the help they can.
Yeagertown, PA USA - Thursday, October 23, 2003 at 08:21:57 (HST)I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, and i myself would like to say i have been threw what she went threw.. Only my addiction wasn't to herion it was to meth or as others call it speed.. I was addict for almost 5 years and now am clean.. There were many reasons for me to get clean the whole time i was doing it, but i didn't want to.> Then last year when i was 20 i found out that i was pregnant and then that helped me relize that i needed to get clean for my daughter.. I'm now happy to say that i have a wonderful,healthy, buetiful 3 month old daughter and i have been clean for a year this October.. I hope that to those of you who have family that is addicted to one thing or another that there is hope.. They just have to hit rock bottom and want the help.> Remember you can't force the addict to stop the addict has to WANT to stop..
somewhere small, NE USA - Thursday, October 23, 2003 at 08:07:46 (HST)im so sorry to hear of you and your daughters struggle,i myself have destroyed my life due to drugs and the only condolence i can offer is that from what i have seen its not the person who is acting in such a selfish naieve manner but the drugs making them do so,deep down erin probably had a good head and a kind heart but the drugs hid that side away
england - Thursday, October 23, 2003 at 06:48:09 (HST)I am writing this because I am at witts end trying to get a good friend I have to stop using and do not know if I should just give up and not have her as a friend. I KNOW SHE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE THE DECISION TO DETOX AND STAY THAT WAY, but it is killing me.
I made friends with her because of her smile, and friendlness. She was 17 when she started and has aleady been addicted for 3 years,is a probation violator because she had left her probation early to do herion again and has been supporting her habit by selling herself, which causes her to need to shoot up more because she hates it. She is having to "muscle" because she has lost so many of her veins. At first I was giving her money, and I still do when she gets really sick, but I know that only enables her. I have gone to NA meetings with her, watched her get dope sick and held her in my arms. She has already used up many "Friends" to help her habit and got rid of them when they are not useful of to much of a trouble. She talks about how guilty this makes her.She also says that she would give ANYTHING to be clean, not have to lie and cheat and prostitute myself, not feel ashamed or guilty. When she is with me she talks about detoxing and has made some small steps towards it, but is so scared of it she shakes. She has tried to detox herself, by cutting her habit, but something happens that stresses her out and she is back to 1/2 a gram a day. AND OF COURSE SHE WANTS A PAINLESS WAY TO DETOX LIKE SOME TREATMENT PROGRAMS OFFER or is now talking about going to Mexico to get some pills that would help her detox, because she hears the detox facilities in Phoenix do not provide any relief, and she knows she will walk out when it really gets bad. I am writing this to see if I can getemails providing suggestions to me on how I can help her or from users to her on how to detox.. I am thinking about selling something big to let her try one of those places like in Detroit that sedate you to detox, but am not sure that she would not use anymore. She does not have insurance and can not use mine. Anything??
Phoenix, AZ USA - Wednesday, October 22, 2003 at 15:52:09 (HST)I'm a 250 pound ex-Marine, but I cried when I read Erin's story because my youngest daughter is living the same nightmare, and the end is never good for most addicts. Each time the phone rings, I think the end has come. I'm sorry for your loss.
Lawrenceburg, IN USA - Tuesday, October 21, 2003 at 05:46:48 (HST)Your daughter was a very beautiful, intelligent and insiteful girl. In her journal, she expressed hope that God would help her one more time to gain control that she had lost. He has her now and will keep her safe forever. I am sorry for your loss. It is unfair. I understand how sad you feel because I lost my 19 year old son to another type of killer. In Jaison's case, it was a murderous criminal who had a gun. People who distribute heroin are as guilty as the ones who use other weapons to kill. It takes longer with heroin but the results are almost always the same.
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Friday, October 17, 2003 at 19:14:44 (HST)Hi Marie,
I wrote to you about a month ago after my 23 year old sister died of a heroin overdose. Since then, I have been working on a website similar to yours. I would also like to get involved with a few others in going to talk to schools, especially middle schools. I believe you do that. Can you advise on how I can get started? What would I need to do? I think we need much more drug education and it has to be more 'real' rather than having a big costumed dog walking around. I think the best way to stay clean is not to start at all. Please advise. Again, my sincere sympathies on the loss of your daughter.
Nicole DelBuono <firstname.lastname@example.org>
toms river, NJ USA - Friday, October 17, 2003 at 04:30:35 (HST)I am so sorry. I lost my daughter about 3 weeks ago. I don't know yet what she took, but I know she was addicted to a lot of things. She would always say she was doing better. It is really killing me. I don't know what I could have done. My doctor said it is out of your control. I know how you feel. Nothing makes it better.
Palatka, Fl USA - Thursday, October 16, 2003 at 16:25:19 (HST)Well, I wrote in here about a week ago. I'm writing again because I've made the decision to really try and stop. I can't afford methadone, so I need to try and find some Xanax or buprenorphine shots or something or I'll never make it thru the next week...I read all of these comments from people and especially the people who have gotten clean and are staying clean...There was a time in my life when I took clean time for granted. It seemed like it was easy or something. Now-I'd give ANYTHING to be clean for just one day - for my body to feel normal, for these nasty scars to go away, to not have to lie and cheat and steal and prostitute myself, to be able to talk to my family, to not feel ashamed, to not have to give away everything I own to feed this monster, to have a friend to talk to (I have no friends-my addiction robbed me of that years ago...), to feel comfortable, to drive like a normal person and not crash into everything because I'm on a nod, to be able to eat, I would give anything to have these things in my life. I'm scared as hell. I'm at the jumping off place that the big book talks about. I can't live with it and I can't live without it. I'm scared that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life the same way I've spent the last 7-chasing this thing that gives me nothing but pain. I REALLY WANNA STOP...I hate meetings...It's like a freakin cult or something, but right now I'm hurtin so bad, I'd even go to a meeting-just to hear some hope, because I feel so damn hopeless right now. Going to detox is not an option, rehabs are not the answer, methadone is something I don't wanna mess with again - I just have to do this thing cold turkey and crawl right the hell out of my skin for the next week. I can't even stand the thought of that feeling. I can deal with all the other symptoms, it's that feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin, when it feels good for someone to punch you or to bang your head against a wall or to lay naked on a cement floor because the fabric of sheets irritates my skin. I am not looking forward to this at all. I'd rather walk through fire then detox. And that is why I have continued to use. I can't freakin take that crawling out of my skin feeling. But I have to stop. I WANT to stop. I'm tired of this friggin merry go round. If anyone could please offer some advice or something, anything, please please write me. If anyone knows where I can score some Xanax or something, please let me know...I'm gonna need about 80 of em to calm my nerves. Thank you again, Mrs. Allen for this web site, which gives me somewhere to go and hear people just like me. God help us...Jackie S.
Clifton Heights, PA USA - Thursday, October 16, 2003 at 09:38:50 (HST)My name is Nadine and I live in London.I am currently working as a drug worker trying to help people who are suffering from sustance missuse.I have have also experienced the pain of losing someone I love suddenly and although I can't change the world I can at least leave it saying I had a dam good try. I hope as parents you find some peace.
All my prayers Nadine.
Nadine Latibeaudiere <email@example.com>
london, england - Thursday, October 16, 2003 at 09:33:53 (HST)hi mrs.marie thank you for this website i'm sorry about your loss heroin is truly a demon. i've been a addict since 1998. i have been clean for 13months but just recently relapsed and got in trouble with the police again on oct.8 i've been beating myself up all weekend this website has truly been a blessing tonight thank you god bless you and your family
goldsboro, nc USA - Tuesday, October 14, 2003 at 14:33:48 (HST)Marie- I wrote to you back in June of 2002. I told you about my mom and my boyfriend. Well I'm happy to say that they are both doing well. My boyfriend is on a methadone program but it is better then heroin. He is working and getting his life together. I always keep a close eye on him. It does upset me to say though that I did just lose a close friend do to heroin. He didn't overdose but he died from a desease called "endocargnitice" which is commonly caused by drug use. They say that he could have had it for up 6 weeks and not known about it. His death really put an impact on my boyfriend because that was his "BEST" friend since the age of 6. My boyfriend is 26 now so that it 20 yrs of friendship. My boyfriend feels so lost and so alone without his bestfriend. But I keep telling him that the next time he gets the erge to get high he needs to remember in his head that drugs is what took his bestfriends life. I live in what they call "The Heroin Capital" of the United States. Our population is about 645,000. 60,000 of the people are heroin addicts. It is everywhere you turn around in Baltimore City. There are kids ages 10, 11, & 12 on the streets selling heroin. It is taking over our city.
Baltimore, MD USA - Tuesday, October 14, 2003 at 09:06:22 (HST)My prayers go out to you and your family. My nephew and his wife have been on heroin and cocaine. I helped them both to get off the heroin, but I'm afraid it has called them back to it again. My nephew keeps telling me that he
is not back on it, but I'm seeing the signs again and my heart aches. I wish the Government would do something about all the drug addictions that we have in the United States. We need to set up good clinics here instead of sending all of our tax funds to other countries. Not that I'm against helping other countries, but I feel that so much is needed here to educated the children in our own grammar and high schools. I know they will say we are doing it now, but from all the violence and everything else that is going on it definitely is not enough. In fact, my nephew's wife had gone to a rehab clinic, and signed herself out
within 24 hours. I feel bad for all the people
on drugs and wish that somehow we could stop this from happening. I am truly sorry that this
happened to you and your family. I fear for my
nephew and his wife.
Mary Ellen <firstname.lastname@example.org>
West Deptford, NJ USA - Monday, October 13, 2003 at 14:11:18 (HST)Hi Marie, I received your response to my e-mail and I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers. As you mentioned in your e-mail losing a child is a lost you never ever forget and no matter how long it has been it still feels like just yesterday. Corey was never a bad child, he never got into trouble never did drugS but just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Not only did he lose his life but two of his friends as well, one survived but the other one was not so lucky. But it gets a little better with time. The last time I saw cOREY was Thanksgiving Day 2000 and the next day he was gone. He had just purchased a car with money he made working and everthing was going well for him. The more I think about it the madder I get, The kid that did the shooting got 2 life sentences plus 60 years with no chance of parole, Hopefully he will have time to think about how many lives he has destroyed, and the person that supplied the drugs to your daughter I hope somehow the supplier will stop the madness and think about all the innocent lives they are destroying and how many families they are hurting by poisoning our society with drugs and guns. If you think about it one is just as bad as the other. I call them DESTROYERS.
LILLIAN TOLLETTE <email@example.com>
evans, ga USA - Monday, October 13, 2003 at 03:37:18 (HST)
I read the story about your child Erin, and I want to send my condolences to you and your family. I know it especially hurts when people like the coroner can be so cold. They definitely shoud have shown more compassion than that. They may have hardened their hearts, which is unofortunate for them, but as long as yours is intact, you know you will always feel the capacity to love your child and remember those good times.
May God bless and keep you until you're reunited with her.
USA - Sunday, October 12, 2003 at 15:48:19 (HST)Ijust lost my brother to a heroin overdose. He lay dead under the train tracks in philly for two days. he was my best friend and i miss him so much. I also am afflicted with this disease and it's taking everything I have to not go back there. I know your pain completley. I cry with you.
philly, pa USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 23:47:57 (HST)My son is going through withdraws tonight .He has been using almost 2 years. I can't believe the pain he's in.At one point today I thought he might die.I can't believe how sick he is and he will not go to a Dr.I just wish I could help him
tina smith <firstname.lastname@example.org>
centralia, il USA - Saturday, October 11, 2003 at 18:26:38 (HST)I posted here back on the 5th sept.I was 10 days clean then and now Im over a month after 3 yrs of solid using,today was one of the toughest since I detoxed,the depression Im in is horrible,hit me out of the blue,I had a little girl 10 days ago and shes in canada with my partner and because of my using I cant be there to hold them both.God I want to be with them,but my using got me into heaps of financial trouble,I avoided getting into trouble with the law,thank god I do on that.Over here in NZ there is hardly any help for withdrawing and I went cold turkey on my own,with some help from the detox page in heroin times,its hard as,but it can be done,if you are detoxing please read the detox page in heroin times,its helpful as.Im hoping I will be back to post again next month,that Im still clean and thank you to Carol who emailed me from this site,offering me her thoughts,much appreciated,its nice knowing someone else is thinking of you,even for a short time.
new zealand - Friday, October 10, 2003 at 20:35:45 (HST)Dear Marie,
Like many others to comment, I'm no different. My story is the same as Erin's. What started out at 17 like a good old time has turned into a living hell seven years later. I knew I was an addict back then - I just didn't care enough to care. Anyway, here I am - 24 y/o, strung out and living a hell like I never imagined - everyday, it's "I'll stop tomorrow, but first let's get thru today." Last October 18th, one of my best friends from back in the day, when things were a good ol time, when one bag sniffed would get us all chill for like 8 hours, Jessie Sheard (Jesse da Junglist-we called her), she died last October 18th, so her anniversary is up and coming. I was in a year long rehab program when it happened. Didn't get to say goodbye...Don't know what it is about reality that some of us just can't deal...I went to meetings (AA and NA) since I was like 16 years old, but for some reason, I always go back...Even when Jessie died - she was like the closest person to me that ever died up to that point and I still just couldn't do anything to stop...My family hasn't talked to me in GOd knows how long, my life is like that movie Groundhog Day, only it ain't freakin funny...ANd i'll be back down in philly tonite, I'm sure, sittin on the Ave, waitin...watchin all the other junkies go by and watch them waitin, with a glazed look in the eye...I've been to Florida and back tryin to kick this for like 7 years now. And it isn't that we haven't hit bottom...Erin did I'm sure...Just like myself, but for some reason it always calls back, like it did to her...I know, cuz it calls to me too...ANyway, thank you Marie and please keep this website up, no matter what...Thanks, Jackie from Cherry Hill, NJ
Jackie S. <JacquelineE22779@yahoo.com>
Cherry Hill, NJ/Clifton Hts., PA, PA USA - Friday, October 10, 2003 at 08:47:21 (HST)The story of your daughter runs parallel to mine.I have now been sober for 16 months,I am 21 years old.It is difficult at times to remember the conquences of addiction,the pain that is felt and the pain it inflicts on those who love you.This helped me to remember;and for that I am truely greatful.I now know that I can make it one more day.thank-you.
Cincinnati, OH USA - Friday, October 10, 2003 at 06:23:58 (HST)heroin reaches out to so many people young and old who are unfortunate enough to be born with an addiction, it is not selective, any one can fall prey to the evil that is its heart and soul.I have fought its allue for the last ten years and finally i feel that hope is on the horizon for me, i am so sorry for your loss but i also wish to commend you for the web site you have created, to help others see just what devastation it causes. my thoughts are with you. take care and keep safe x
swindon, england - Thursday, October 09, 2003 at 10:12:55 (HST)Hi Mrs. Allen, My name is Lillian and I am from Evans, Georgia, I lost my son in 2000 not drugs but another drug (the deadly gun) I know what it is to lose a child, Corey was only 18 when he was murdered and when he died it left a hold in my heart, I think about him everyday. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you even though our children died in a different manner we both have suffered and still suffering. My heart and prays are with you. Pray heals all your wounds. The thing that keeps me going is that he's in a better place and GOD needed some your soldiers in his army so he drafted Erin and Corey. And trust me they are both very happy.
LILLIAN TOLLETTE <email@example.com>
evans, ga USA - Thursday, October 09, 2003 at 09:21:13 (HST)Sorry for what happened to your daughter but that's why we need to do something about our community's and keep the drugs and violence away. I might only be 14 but I know the difference between right and wrong and no matter what anybody tells me, I stay true to being a child and not a deman for what drugs are turning people into today. I send my condolences to you and your family.
Chicago, Illinois USA - Thursday, October 09, 2003 at 03:52:05 (HST)Hi Marie,
You did the site a bit differently and I had a difficult time getting into the archives. I had this site bookmarked and it doesn't work anymore. I had to literally go into the web and find the site and bookmark again this way. Others may be having the same problem
nj USA - Thursday, October 09, 2003 at 01:03:15 (HST)I am so sorry fo all that you went through. God bless.
USA - Tuesday, October 07, 2003 at 19:05:41 (HST)